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An Aussie student was walking on campus one day when another Aussie rode up on a shiny new bicycle.
‘Where did you get such a nice bike?’ asked the first.
The second Aussie replied,
‘Well, yesterday I was walking along minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
“Take what you want.”‘
The first Aussie nodded approvingly.
‘Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn’t have fitted.’
Doctor, the embarrassed man said, “I have a sexual problem. I can’t get it up for my wife anymore.”
“Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.”
The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife.
“Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas,” the medic said. “Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on.”
The doctor took the husband aside. “You’re in perfect health,” he said. “Your wife didn’t give me an erection either.”
1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
15> “…and the best part about this Internet company you’ve invested in is that their list is *actually* 15 items — that’s like a 33% discount!”
14> “Allow me to illustrate: Suppose this ceramic coffee mug here represent your high tech portfolio and this cast iron paperweight the current economic trends…”
13> “No, I don’t mean it’s time to sell eBay, I mean it’s time to sell everything you own *on* eBay.”
12> “Oops, I had these charts upside down!”
11> “Can I call you right back? I’ve got my bankruptcy attorney holding on the other line.”
10> “I know you said to buy Wal-Mart, but that little sock puppet doggie was just *so* cute…”
9> “I always forget… is ‘bull’ the good one or the bad one?”
8> “Enough about stocks. Do you know how much money you can make in black market kidney sales?”
7> “I don’t understand — this plan worked beautifully when they did it on ‘The Sopranos.'”
6> “Please don’t hang up — I’m only allowed one call…”
5> “First, the good news: you won’t have any problems with capital gains taxes this year…”
4> “I recommend rolling your last $100 into a blanket, a shopping cart and a case of Night Train.”
3> “Your position in the market? Bent over, grabbing your ankles.”
2> “I can’t talk long — I’m on my cell phone and the pavement is coming up *really* fast now…”
1> “So then I said, ‘What the hell is a margin call?'”
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I’m under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.Doctor: Tell me about your problem.Patient: I just did, didn’t I, you stupid fool!!
The TV game show Jeopordy uses so much toilet paper because doo de doo doo
do de do do de do de doop do do do do doo.doo-doo.
We’re off to see the wizard….The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.”WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD OF OZ? WHAT DO YOU WANT?”Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: “I had a terrible time with Iran, so I’ve come for some courage.””NO PROBLEM!” says the Wizard, “WHO IS NEXT?”Ronald Reagan steps forward, “Well..,Well.., Well.., I … think I need a brain”.”DONE” says the Wizard. “WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?”Up steps George Bush sadly, “I’m told by the American people that I need a heart.””I’VE HEARD ITS TRUE.” says the Wizard. “CONSIDER IT DONE.”Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn’t say a word.Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, “WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?””Is Dorothy around?”
John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding
anniversary. “Would you like a new Mink Coat?” he asks.
“Not really,” says Mary.
“Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John.
“No,” she responds.
“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggests.
She again rejects his offer with a “No thanks.”
“Well what would you like for your anniversary?” John asks.
“John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary.
“Sorry, I wasn’t planning to spend that much,” says John.
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started
massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front
turned and snarled, “Just what the hell you are doing?”
“Well,” said the guy, “you see, I’m a chiropractor and I could tell that you
were tense, so I thought I’d massage your back”
“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!” the guy replied. “I work for the
IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?”
Sam stayed with his grandmother when his parents went to Mexico for their vacation. “We are going to bring you back something nice,” his mother told him. “It will be a surprise.”Before they came home, Sam’s parents looked for something Sam would like. All they could find was a beautiful sombrero. It cost too much. But that afternoon, while they were eating their lunch in a park, they decided to buy the sombrero after all. Sam’s father threw what was left of their sandwiches to some stray dogs, and they walked back to the marketplace.One of the animals followed them. It was a small, gray creature with short hair, short legs, and a long tail. Wherever they went, it went too.”Isn’t he cute!” Sam’s mother said. “He must be one of those Mexican Hairless dogs. Sam would love him.” “He’s probably somebody’s pet,” Sam’s father said. They asked several people if they knew who its owner were, but no one did. They just smiled and shrugged their shoulders. Finally, Sam’s mother said, “Maybe he’s just a stray. Let’s take him home with us. We can give him a good home, and Sam will love him.”It is against the law to take a pet across the border, but Sam’s parents hid the animal in a box, and no one saw it. When they got home, they showed it to Sam.”He’s a pretty small dog,” said Sam.”He’s a Mexican dog,” his father said. “I’m not sure what kind. I think it’s called a Mexican Hairless. We’ll find out. But he’s nice, isn’t he?”They gave the new pet some dog food. Then they washed it and brushed it and combed it’s fur. That night it slept on Sam’s bed. When Sam awakened the next morning, his pet was still there.”Mother,” he called, “the dog has a cold.” The animal’s eyes were running, and there was something white around its mouth. Later that morning Sam’s mother took it to a vet.”Where did you get him?” the vet asked.”In Mexico,” she said. “We think he’s a Mexican Hairless. I was going to ask you about that.””He’s not Hairless,” the vet said. “He’s not even a dog. He’s a sewer rat-and he has rabies!!”–Editor’s Note: No, it’s not a true story�
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
A U.S. Marine got lost in the desert of Somalia during the fighting there.
He was thirsty, dirty, and sexually frustrated. He stumbled upon an old
lantern, rubbed it, and a genie appeared and granted him three wishes. The
marine thought about it and asked, “I would like lots of water, lots of
it. I want be clean, so clean that I turn white. And I want to see lots of
asses.”
The genie thought about it and replied, “Your wish is my command.” With a
snap of the genie’s finger, the Marine turns into a toilet seat–lots of
water, white and lots of asses.