A man had been out in the back woods for weeks, cutting logs. He was a bit scruffy and didn’t smell very good. Finally he needed a break and came in to town for a few beers.In the bar, he saw the local jock of the town’s football team. He was bragging about his girlfriend and how she was lucky to have him for a boyfriend.The lumberjack, after drinking six bottles of beer, was heard to say, “Buddy, if she went out with me, she’d never go out with you ever again.”To which the local jock replied, “Hey buddy, if she went out with you, she’d never go out with ANYONE ever again.”
Author: admin
Chili
A man walks into a resteraunt and orders a bowl of chili. The waitress tells him that the man in the next booth ordered the last one. He joins the man, see’s he has a full bowl and asks “can I have your chili?” the man says sure. The man starts eating until he comes to the bottom of the bowl and see’s a dead mouse. He vomits into the bowl, the other man says – yeah, I did the same thing.
Fat momma
yo momma so fat she got more Chins than a Hong-Kong phone book
Yo mama and the planets
yo mama is so fat she played pinball with the planets.
Buy a Tractor
I haven’t sold one tractor all month,” a tractor salesman tells his friend.”That’s nothing compared to my problem,” his buddy replies. “I was milking my cow when its tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some string and tied its tail up to the rafters. Then I go back to milk it and it kicks me in the head with its right hind leg, so I grab some rope and tie its one leg up to the rafters. I go back to try and milk it again when it kicks me in the head with its left hind leg, so I tie its other leg up to the rafters. Then my wife comes walking in and I’ll tell ya, if you can convince her that I was trying to milk that cow, I’ll buy a tractor off ya.”
Little Red Riding Hood
Once upon a time Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the forest to her grandmother’s house. She was carrying a basket full of wonderful goodies for her and her grandmother to eat… she also had a big gun to protect herself in the woods.
One day Little Red Riding Hood came upon a Fox. The fox looked at Little Red and says “Little Red Riding hood, what are you doing walking in the forest by yourself. You know if the wolf catches you he will rip your clothes off and fondle your titties.”
Little Red sighs and smiles at the fox and slowly opens her basket and shows the fox her gun and says “No he won’t, see I have a gun to protect myself.” She smiles and skips away from the fox to her grandmother’s house.
Little red gets deep within the forest when she comes upon a bear who wanders up to her and smells the yummy food in the basket then thinks to himself for a second and says, “What are you, stupid, Little Red? You know if the Wolf catches you alone in the forest he’s going to rip your clothes off and fondle your titties.”
Little Red shows the bear the big gun in her basket and smiles, “No he won’t I have a big gun in my basket ….” She pulls out the gun “See, nothing can harm me.” Little Red smiles and skips to grandmother’s house.
Little red finally makes it to grandmother’s house…and knocks on the door…no one answers so she goes right in. She walks to the bed, sees the Wolf and screams as the Wolf yells, “Little Red Riding Hood, I am going to rip your clothes off and fondle your titties!”
The wolf reaches out to her and Little Red smiles and pulls out her gun and yells, “No you’re not! You are going to EAT ME, JUST LIKE THE BOOKS SAYS!”
Life would be so much
Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
One Too Many
Sitting beside Ben in the bar was the ugliest woman he’d ever laid eyes on, so ugly was she, in fact, that he refused each and every one of her advances.
After awhile, having had one too many, the woman said “Y’know, mishter, if I have one more drink I’m really gonna feel it.”
Turning to the woman, Ben said, “T’tell the truth, sister, if I have one more drink, I prob’ly won’t mind.”
Signs That You'r
1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
Mind over matter… if you don’t mind it doesn’t…
Mind over matter… if you don’t mind it doesn’t matter.
Sad sad Australians
An Aussie student was walking on campus one day when another Aussie rode up on a shiny new bicycle.
‘Where did you get such a nice bike?’ asked the first.
The second Aussie replied,
‘Well, yesterday I was walking along minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
“Take what you want.”‘
The first Aussie nodded approvingly.
‘Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn’t have fitted.’
Nothing.
Q. What’s the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMS?
A. Nothing.