Little Red Riding Hood

Once upon a time Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the forest to her grandmother’s house. She was carrying a basket full of wonderful goodies for her and her grandmother to eat… she also had a big gun to protect herself in the woods.

One day Little Red Riding Hood came upon a Fox. The fox looked at Little Red and says “Little Red Riding hood, what are you doing walking in the forest by yourself. You know if the wolf catches you he will rip your clothes off and fondle your titties.”

Little Red sighs and smiles at the fox and slowly opens her basket and shows the fox her gun and says “No he won’t, see I have a gun to protect myself.” She smiles and skips away from the fox to her grandmother’s house.

Little red gets deep within the forest when she comes upon a bear who wanders up to her and smells the yummy food in the basket then thinks to himself for a second and says, “What are you, stupid, Little Red? You know if the Wolf catches you alone in the forest he’s going to rip your clothes off and fondle your titties.”

Little Red shows the bear the big gun in her basket and smiles, “No he won’t I have a big gun in my basket ….” She pulls out the gun “See, nothing can harm me.” Little Red smiles and skips to grandmother’s house.

Little red finally makes it to grandmother’s house…and knocks on the door…no one answers so she goes right in. She walks to the bed, sees the Wolf and screams as the Wolf yells, “Little Red Riding Hood, I am going to rip your clothes off and fondle your titties!”

The wolf reaches out to her and Little Red smiles and pulls out her gun and yells, “No you’re not! You are going to EAT ME, JUST LIKE THE BOOKS SAYS!”

Blond Shot

There was a blond, a brunet, and a red head waiting to get shot for their wrong doing. When the brunet was about to be shot she yelled tornado. Everyone looked back and she ran away. When the red head was about to be shot she yelled huricane. Everyone looked back and she ran away. When the blond was about to be shot she yelled fire, and they shot her.

Chili

A man walks into a resteraunt and orders a bowl of chili. The waitress tells him that the man in the next booth ordered the last one. He joins the man, see’s he has a full bowl and asks “can I have your chili?” the man says sure. The man starts eating until he comes to the bottom of the bowl and see’s a dead mouse. He vomits into the bowl, the other man says – yeah, I did the same thing.

Guess my age

A woman gets a facelift for her 47th birthday.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand and asks the sales clerk, �How old do you think I am?�

�About 32,� the clerk replies.

�I�m actually 47,� the woman says.

She then goes into McDonald�s and asks the cashier the same question.

�I�d guess about 29,� she says.

�Nope, I�m 47,� the woman replies.

Later, as she waits for the bus, she asks an old man the same question.

�I�m 78,� he says, �and my eyesight is starting to go. But when I was young, you could determine a woman�s age by putting my hand up her shirt and feeling her boobs.�

Curiosity getting the best of her, she says, �What the hell, go ahead.�

He slips his hand up her shirt and, after a few minutes, says, �You�re 47.�

�That�s amazing!� she says, stunned. �How did you know?�

�I was behind you in line at McDonald�s.�

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

brass rat

A man walked into a curio shop and began to browse. He was attracted to a brass rat on a shelf behind the counter. He asked the shopkeeper for a price, and was told to make an offer. Presently they agreed on a price, and the brass rat changed hands. The shopkeeper warned the customer as he took the money, “This sale is final. If you leave the shop with the brass rat, I won’t take it back under any circumstances.” The customer agreed and left with the rat. As he walked home, he noticed that a live rat came scurrying out of an alley and began to follow him. Soon there were more, all following him and milling bout his feet. The man began to run, but the rats kept up, and more joined the procession. After a few minutes, thousands of rats were chasing after the man. The man ran frantically for the river, and threw the brass rat into the water. The live rats followed the brass rat, and soon all had drowned. The man returned to the curio shop, and on seeing him enter, the shopkeeper shouted, “I told you, the sale was final! You cannot return the brass rat!” The customer replied, “That’s no problem. I just wondered if you had a brass lawyer in stock.”

Knock Knock 157

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Sacha!
Sacha who?
Sacha fuss, just because I knocked on your door!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Saddam!
Saddam who?
Saddam and shut up!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Sadie!
Sadie who?
Sadie Pledge of Allegiance!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Safari!
Safari who?
Safari so good!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Sally!
Sally who?
Sally dance!