Learning to Cuss

Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it’s time to learn how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, “Okay, you say ass’ and I’ll say hell'”.

All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they’d like for breakfast.

“Aw, hell,” says the eight-year-old, “gimme some Cheerios.”

His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother. “What’ll you have?”

“I dunno,” quavers the six-year-old, “but you can bet your ass it ain’t gonna be Cheerios.”

Jaimito era un gamberro en

Jaimito era un gamberro en clase. La maestra era ciega. Un d�a enfadada le mando a todo el mundo a raparse la cabeza. Jaimito penso: “C�mo me voy a rapar la cabeza con mi cabello tan bonito como lo tengo.”

Entonces tuvo una idea. Al d�a siguiente la maestra empez� a tocar las cabezas de los ni�os y todas estaban correctas, pero cuando lleg� a Jaimito, Jaimito le puso el culo para que lo tocara y la maestra exclam�:

“�Muy bien, Jaimito y con la raya en medio!”

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged…

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a
traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge
rose from the bench. “Madam, I have
waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this
court,” he smiled with
delight. “Now sit down at that table and write ‘I will not
pass through a red light’ five hundred times.”

Chicken and Horse

A chicken and a horse were playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer but the farmer cannot be found. So she drives the farmer’s BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. She then throws the other end of the rope to her friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking.

A few days later the chicken and the horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, ‘No, I think I can stand over the hole’. So he stretched his legs over the width of the hole and said, ‘grab for my ‘thingy’ and pull yourself up’. So the chicken grabbed hold of the horse’s “thingy” and pulled herself to safety.

The moral of the story:
If you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks!

Holy Spirit

There was a boy riding on his bike outside a church.
The priest saw him and told him to come into the church and the boy said,”…But they’ll steal my bike.”

The priest explained how the Holy Spirit would take care of it, so they went inside.

The priest showed the boy how to make the sign of the cross and told the boy to repeat it…”In the name of the Father, The Son…Amen”

The priest said,”What about the Holy Spirit?”
The boy replied, “Its outside taking care of my bike!”

Who’s screwed now?

Bill was chuckling at the bar when his friend Mike joined him. “Women, they
think they’re so smart,” he said with a sly smile, going on to explain that he’d
eavesdropped on a phone conversation between his fiancee, Lynn and her best
friend. “Amy,” she said, “Bill doesn’t know it yet, but the only time I’m
putting out is when I want to get pregnant.”

At this, Bill doubled over with laughter, and Mike looked at his friend with
some consternation, “I’d be mad as a hatter! Why aren’t you?” he asked.

“Why get mad?” answered Bill. “She’ll never know I’ve had a vasectomy!”

Little Red Riding Hood

Once upon a time Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the forest to her grandmother’s house. She was carrying a basket full of wonderful goodies for her and her grandmother to eat… she also had a big gun to protect herself in the woods.

One day Little Red Riding Hood came upon a Fox. The fox looked at Little Red and says “Little Red Riding hood, what are you doing walking in the forest by yourself. You know if the wolf catches you he will rip your clothes off and fondle your titties.”

Little Red sighs and smiles at the fox and slowly opens her basket and shows the fox her gun and says “No he won’t, see I have a gun to protect myself.” She smiles and skips away from the fox to her grandmother’s house.

Little red gets deep within the forest when she comes upon a bear who wanders up to her and smells the yummy food in the basket then thinks to himself for a second and says, “What are you, stupid, Little Red? You know if the Wolf catches you alone in the forest he’s going to rip your clothes off and fondle your titties.”

Little Red shows the bear the big gun in her basket and smiles, “No he won’t I have a big gun in my basket ….” She pulls out the gun “See, nothing can harm me.” Little Red smiles and skips to grandmother’s house.

Little red finally makes it to grandmother’s house…and knocks on the door…no one answers so she goes right in. She walks to the bed, sees the Wolf and screams as the Wolf yells, “Little Red Riding Hood, I am going to rip your clothes off and fondle your titties!”

The wolf reaches out to her and Little Red smiles and pulls out her gun and yells, “No you’re not! You are going to EAT ME, JUST LIKE THE BOOKS SAYS!”

Blond Shot

There was a blond, a brunet, and a red head waiting to get shot for their wrong doing. When the brunet was about to be shot she yelled tornado. Everyone looked back and she ran away. When the red head was about to be shot she yelled huricane. Everyone looked back and she ran away. When the blond was about to be shot she yelled fire, and they shot her.

Sexual Problem

Doctor, the embarrassed man said, “I have a sexual problem. I can’t get it up for my wife anymore.”

“Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.”

The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife.

“Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas,” the medic said. “Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on.”

The doctor took the husband aside. “You’re in perfect health,” he said. “Your wife didn’t give me an erection either.”