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Estaba una pareja de casados haciendo un 69 cuando, de repente, la esposa exclama:
“�Viejo, viejo, asesinaron a Ruiz Massieu!”
Molesto, el esposo le reclama:
“Ya te dije que no veas tanto las noticias por TV”.
“Y yo ya te dije que de una buena vez por todas dejes de limpiarte el culo con el peri�dico”, contesta la mujer con un moh�n.
Four nuns are standing in line for confession. The first nun goes into the confessional and says bless me father for I have sinned I touched a man�s private parts. The priest asks, “What part of your body did you use?” The nun replies, “My right hand.” The priest tells her to dip her right hand in holy water say 10 hail Mary�s and all will be forgiven.The second nun goes into the confessional and says, “Bless me father for I have sinned I touched a mans private parts.” The priest asks, “What part of your body did you use?” The nun replies, “My left hand.” The priest tells her to dip her left hand in the holy water say 10 hail Mary�s and all will be forgiven.Well, this leaves the third and fourth nun standing in line. The fourth nun taps the third nun on the shoulder and asks, “Would you mind if I went first?” The third nun says, “Sure I don’t care, but would mind telling me why?” The fourth nun replies, “Well, I would like to drink the water before you have to sit in it!”
Dear Sir: A few days ago, you phoned us about the job you
applied for with our company, and we told you that you did not
get the job. However, we are now writing to inform you that you
did not get the job. We wanted to make sure you understood that.
Sincerely,
Personnel Department
********************
Dear Sir:
Congratulations! You got the job! That is probably what you were
hoping this letter would say. But it doesn’t, because you didn’t.
Sincerely,
Human Recourses
********************
Dear Sir:
You recently applied for a position with us, but you did not get
it, as we have informed you by phone and by mail. However, we
have not heard back from you that you completely understand that
you failed to get the job. Please call or write and let us know
that you realize that you are not employed by us in any way, and
never will be.
Sincerely,
Personnel Department
********************
Dear Sir:
Please be advised that the person we hired instead of you has
been promoted to department manager, and he has asked us to
inform you that, should a position open up, he would not hire
you.
Sincerely,
Personnel Department
********************
Dear Sir:
Would you consider taking a job for less pay than we originally
discussed, even though we would never offer you such a job?
Sincerely,
Personnel
********************
Dear Sir:
If it is any consolation, we feel that if we had hired you, by
now we would have been forced to let you go.
Sincerely,
Human Recources
********************
Dear Sir:
We are writing to find out what kind of carpeting and curtains
you want in your new office. . . . Wait, we made a mistake.
You’re the wrong person. Oh, well, we’re going to go ahead and
send this letter to you anyway.
Sincerely,
Personnel Department
********************
Dear Sir:
Could you report for work first thing Monday morning, if you had
a job? Just curious.
Sincerely,
Personnel Department
********************
Dear Sir:
While updating our file of job applications, yours was folded
into a paper airplane and was accidentally sailed out the
window. Would you mind filling out the enclosed application and
mailing it back to us in the shape of an airplane?
Sincerely,
Personnel Department
********************
Dear Sir:
It has come to our attention that an employee in our department
has been sending you unauthorized and inappropriate letters. We
have told him not only that he is fired but that we are hiring
you in his place. He left here in an uproar, swearing that he
was “going to find (you) and crush (your) head like a walnut.”
(Some of us think he said “like a peanut,” but most think he
said “walnut.”) If he shows up at your apartment, please explain
to him that we were just kidding; we would never hire you.
Sincerely,
Personnel Department
***** Violin Jokes
What’s the difference between a violin and a viola?
There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the
violinist’s head is so much bigger.
Why are viola jokes so short?
So violinists can understand them.
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They never get up that high.
String Player’s Motto: “It’s better to be sharp than out of
tune.”
Why is a violinist like a Scud Missile?
Both are offensive an inaccurate.
What’s the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
No one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.
Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their
instrument?
Violins aren’t built with spit valves.
Why should you never drive a nail into your roof with a violin?
You might bend the nail.
***** Cello Jokes
Why are intermissions limited to twenty minutes?
So you don’t have to retrain the cellos.
How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.
***** Bass Jokes
How many string bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The pianist can do that with his left hand.
How do make a double bass play in tune?
Cut it up and make it into a xylophone.
***** Trumpet Jokes
How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to do it and four to tell the first how much better
they could have done it.
What’s the difference between a trumpet player and the rear end
of a horse?
I don’t know either.
What’s the traditional greeting of trumpet players?
“Hi. I’m better than you.”
Minimum Safe Distance Between Street Musicians and the Public:
Violinist: 25 feet
Bad Violinist: 50 feet
Tone deaf guitar player who knows three chords: 75 feet
15 year-old electric guitar player with a Nirvana fixation: 100
feet
Accordionist: 60 miles
***** Drums
What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
Gifted.
Why do drummers have S ounce more brains than horses?
So they don’t disgrace themselves in the parade.
How can you tell if a drummer is walking behind you?
You can hear his knuckles dragging on the ground.
How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They have machines that do that now.
According to the Washington Times (7/2/97) when a Virginia High School
student exposed mice to hard rock music 10 hours a day for three weeks,
their ability to navigate a maze they already knew decreased
significantly. A control group, exposed to classical music, actually
improved their maze time. The experiment was cut short because the hard
rock mice ate each other.
The angry wife met her husband at the door.
There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.
“I assume,” she snarled, “that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o’clock in the morning?”
“There is,” he replied. “Breakfast.”
Little boy had a bad day at school, stomping through the yard he kicks the cow, after a few more steps he kicks a pig.
His mother watching said ” Young man, just for that you don’t get any beef or pork for a week!”
Just then his father comes up to the porch, going up the steps the dad kicks the cat.
The little boy turns to his mother and asks, “Are you going to tell him or should I??
Submitted by Curtis
A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road.
The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened.
He then asked what the animal was worth.
“Oh, about $200 today,” said the rancher. “But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I’m out.”
The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer. “Here,” he said, “is the check for $900. It’s postdated six years from now.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A shoeseller meets a mathematician and complains that he does not know what size shoes to buy. “No problem,” says the mathematician, “there is a simple equation for that,” and he shows him the Gaussian normal distribution. The shoeseller stares some time at het equation and asks, “What is that symbol?” “That is the Greek letter pi.” “What is pi?” “That is the ratio between the circumference and the diameter of a circle.” Upon this the shoeseller cries out: “What does a circle have to do with shoes?!”
At the finals of the National Poetry Competition the two finalist were an
unlikely pair. Finalist number one was a Harvard educated professor of
literature and the winner of several previous competitions. Finalist number two
was a young Marine Lcpl. from the hills of West Virginia who needed help filling
out the entry form.
The final round consisted of each competitor being given the same word and
having thirty seconds to complete a verse, using the word.
The Professor went first. The Judge said, ” The final word this year is
‘Timbuktu'” The Prof. started thinking. Ten seconds went by. Twenty seconds.
The crowd became nervous. After twenty eight seconds the Prof. began,
“Across the hot Sahara sand,
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination- Timbuktu.”
The crowd went wild, there was no way that the Hillbilly Marine would ever top
that.
The Lcpl. was brought on stage. The judge gave the word, “Timbuktu.”
The young Lcpl. looked to the sky, he thought for 10-15 seconds, stepped up to
the microphone, cleared his throat, and began,
“Tim ‘en me, a-hunting went,
Met three girls in a pop-up-tent,
They was three and we was two,
So, I bucked one and Tim Buck Two!”
The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado in Kansas, and off they spin to the Land of OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.
“WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?”
Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly:
“I had a terrible time with Iran, so I’ve come for some courage.”
“No problem” says the Wizard, “WHO IS NEXT?”
Ronald Reagan steps forward, “Well.., Well.., Well.., I need a brain.”
“Done” says the Wizard.
“Who comes next before the Great Wizard?”
Up steps George Bush sadly, “I’m told by the American people that I
need a heart.”
“I’ve heard it’s true” says the Wizard. “Consider it done.”
Then there is a great silence.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn’t say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, “WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY!?”
And Willie replies – “Is Dorothy around?”