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Two drivers collided on a country road. One was a lawyer, and the other was a doctor.
The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his whiskey flask.
The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.
“Aren’t you going to have a drink yourself?” asked the doctor.
“Sure, after the police leave,” replied the lawyer.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman and Curtis
Three bronzed Alaskan blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding
fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them,
taps them on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your
fishing licenses.”
“We don’t have any.” replied the first blonde.
“Well, if you’re going to fish, you need fishing licenses.” said the Game
Warden.
“But officer,” replied the second blonde, “We aren’t fishing. We all have
magnets at the end of our lines and we’re collecting debris off the bottom of
the river.”
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe
magnets tied on the end of each line.
“Well, I know of no law against it,” said the Game warden, “Take all the
debris you want.” And with that, the Game Warden left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started
laughing hysterically. “What a dumb Fish Cop,” the second blonde said to the
other two, “Doesn’t he know that there are steelhead in this river?!”
Q: How many old macrobiotics does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: Five. One to change it, three to hold the ladder, and one to call the ambulance.
A man on a bike, carrying two sacks on his shoulders, was stopped by a guard while crossing the US-Mexican border.
“What’s in the bags?” asked the guard.
“Sand,” the cyclist replied.
“Get them off. We need to take a look.”
The guard emptied the bags and found out they contained nothing but sand. The man reloaded his bags and continued across the border.
A week later, the same man was crossing again with two more bags.
The guard demanded to see them, and again they contained nothing but sand.
This continued every week for six months, until one day the cyclist failed to appear.
A few days later, that same guard ran into the cyclist in the city.
“Hey, where have you been?” the guard asked. “You sure had us wondering! We knew you were smuggling something across the border. So tell me and I won’t say a word. What was it?”
The man smiled and told him the truth. “Bicycles!”
Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A1: A golden retriever.
A2: A labrador.
A3: An indicator of a really bad hangover
The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado in Kansas, and off they spin to the Land of OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.
“WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?”
Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly:
“I had a terrible time with Iran, so I’ve come for some courage.”
“No problem” says the Wizard, “WHO IS NEXT?”
Ronald Reagan steps forward, “Well.., Well.., Well.., I need a brain.”
“Done” says the Wizard.
“Who comes next before the Great Wizard?”
Up steps George Bush sadly, “I’m told by the American people that I
need a heart.”
“I’ve heard it’s true” says the Wizard. “Consider it done.”
Then there is a great silence.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn’t say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, “WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY!?”
And Willie replies – “Is Dorothy around?”
Top ways to get thrown out of chemistry lab7. Mutter repeatedly, “Not again… not again… not again.”6. When it’s very quiet, suddenly cry out, “My eyes!”5. Deny the existence of chemicals.
yo moms ass is so fat it can crush earth
A brunette and two blondes are locals at this Irish pub down the
street. Every Friday, the three girls go and drown their sorrows
in a drink.
One evening, at the bar, the brunette drops down dead, face flat
on the table. When the police arrive, they begin to interview the
two blondes, “How did this happen?”
“We don’t know,” replies a blonde.
“Well how long have you known your friend?” the police ask.
“For a while” a blonde replies.
“Do you know of any illnesses? Or anything irregular or
different about your friend?” the police inquire.
“Oh I know!” shouts the other blonde, “she has two assholes!”
Confused the police ask “How do you know that?”
The blonde answers, “Well whenever we enter the bar, the
bartender says ‘here comes that brunette with the two assholes.'”
10 Differences Between School and Hell
1>It doesn’t rain in Hell.
2>Everyone has heard of Hell.
3>It’s more fun getting into Hell.
4>You can’t fail out of Hell.
5>At least you can sleep in Hell.
6>Hell is forever. School just seems like it.
7>People smile in Hell.
8>You only have to sell your soul to get into Hell.
9>You know there are hot women in Hell.
10>You wouldn’t tell a friend to go to school.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Estaba una pareja de casados haciendo un 69 cuando, de repente, la esposa exclama:
“�Viejo, viejo, asesinaron a Ruiz Massieu!”
Molesto, el esposo le reclama:
“Ya te dije que no veas tanto las noticias por TV”.
“Y yo ya te dije que de una buena vez por todas dejes de limpiarte el culo con el peri�dico”, contesta la mujer con un moh�n.