Author: admin

Picasso Saves Sight for Sore Eyes

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Picasso’s mistress was losing her eyesight so he took her to an opthomologist in Paris. Upon examination, the doctor reported that nothing could be done and she would soon become blind. Picasso then sought out the best eye doctor in all of France, but got the same prognosis. He even took her to the best doctor in all of Europe, to no avail.

He then decided to take her for a trip around the world so that she could see the sights before totally losing eyesight. They were in San Francisco when they saw a sign reading “Sam Smith-Eye Doctor, Free Consultation”. Picasso figured that it couldn’t do any harm to try this doctor as she was going to be blind anyway.

After a thorough examination, Dr. Smith reported that when he did an operation in cases like hers that it would cure her. Picasso agreed to have the operation performed.

After the operation and a few weeks of recovery, the doctor removed the bandages, and what do you know, she could see 20/20. Picasso was overjoyed and said ,”Doctor, tell me your fee. I am a very rich man and will pay whatever you ask”.

Mr. Picasso”, the doctor replied “I only ask my usual fee of $100.”

“Well then”, continued Picasso, “To reward you handsomely, I will paint a mural on your waiting room wall. When I am finished, we will invite the art critics to see it.”

The doctor agreed to this offer because the room needed a paint job anyway. So Picasso labors behind a curtain for three weeks and when he is finished, invitations are sent to the press for a showing.

On the chosen date the critics crowd into the waiting room and when all are ready, Picasso pulls down the curtain and there on the wall is a great big eye. Thats all, just a giant size eye.

“Great”, the critics all exclaim. “This is one of Picasso’s greatest masterpieces”.

Picasso nudges the doctor and says “Well, Sam, what did I tell you?”

The doctor replies “Its a good thing I’m not a gynecologist!”

Coming On Like Thunder…

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Thor, the Viking God of Thunder, and his pal Odin were up in
Valhalla, when suddenly Thor said to Odin, “It’s been a long
time now. I really need to have sex.”
Odin stood and pondered for a while, before replying, “Go
to Earth, O Thor, and find thyself what they call a ‘lady of
joy’ and treat her to your manly pleasures.”
And this Thor did. The next day, he came back up to see
Odin, and told him of the previous night’s events. “My
friend,” he said, grinning from ear to ear, “It was
wonderful. We had passionate sex 37 times..”
“37 times!” exclaimed Odin. “That poor woman! Mere
mortals cannot endure such treatment. You must go and
apologize this instant!”
So Thor went back down to earth and found the
aforementioned prostitute, saying. “I’m sorry about last
night, but you see, I’m Thor…”
“You’re Thor?” shouted the girl. “You’re Thor? What about
me? I’m tho thor I can hardly pith!”

Letters to the President

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Dear Bill: As a fellow Southern Baptist, I can sympathize with your predicament. Although when I was president I merely lusted in my heart, I have to admit that had I served another term, my lust might have broken free and moved down my body. God bless you in this time of trial.

Jimmy Carter

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Dear Bill: OK, so I’ll never be president, but at least Donna Rice was a babe!

Gary Hart

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My Dear Chap: This is a bit of a sticky wicket, but if I were you, I should ask that charming Jay Leno fellow to see you through. Pop onto his show, admit that you made an ass of yourself and all will be forgiven.

Hugh Grant

———————-

Bill: They entrapped me, they framed me, they caught me in a motel with drugs and a prostitute, but I bounced back and so can you! Bitch done set us up!

Mayor Marion Berry

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Dear Bill: Look at the bright side. At least you weren’t caught wearing Monica’s thong underwear. By the way, did you catch my sports show? I’m back on TV for the fall.

Marv Albert

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Dear Mr. President: You may have noticed that I’m not jumping on the impeachment bandwagon (note: this was written a week ago). Let me assure you, you’re not the only one in Congress who thinks oral sex isn’t really sex.

Warm personal regards,

Newt

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Dear Bill: Hang in there, pal! By the way, Kathie Lee sends Hillary her regards and invites her to come on her show anytime.

Frank Gifford

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Dear Mr. President: Now I’m on the Supreme Court. I’m here for life! And there’s nothing anyone can do about it! So there!

Justice Clarence (Long Dong) Thomas

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Dear Former Worthy Opponent: Whoo, Boy! All I can say is, Bob Dole would never have gotten himself into this mess. Not Bob Dole! Not before Viagra, anyway!

Bob Dole

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Dear Mr. President: I think it’s terrible what they are doing to you, and I want you to know that if you need to get away from it all, you’re welcome to bring Buddy and stay with me on my Wonderland Ranch for as long as you want. I’ll move the Cub Scout Pack to a tent on the lawn and you can have their room.

Michael Jackson

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Dear Fellow Sinner: Jesus forgives you and so do I.

Rev. Jimmy Swaggart

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Dear Bill: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

Jim Baker

P.S. Jessica sends regards and wants to get together with you sometime.

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Dear Bill: Next time (if there is a next time), don’t let them get you on tape. Big mistake!!

With sympathy,

Rob Lowe

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Dear Bill: If I survived wanting to be a tampon, you can survive the cigar bit. Things were grim for a while, but now it looks like I might actually manage to marry my darling Camilla, and someday I’ll be King! Funny how life turns out. So keep a stiff upper lip! (And relax everything else, haha! And they say I don’t have a sense of humor)

HRH Charles Windsor,

Prince of Wales

All I Ever Needed to Know I Learned at Melrose Place

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1.) All women are size 6 or smaller.

2.) There is only one bar in Los Angeles (Shooters).

5.) No one ever dies from being sick/shot/blown-up once their picture appears in the opening credits.

6.) All physicians are also trained psychiatrists.

7.) Most people will forgive you for trying to kill them (Michael tried to kill Sydney, Sydney and Kimberly tried to kill Michael, Amanda and Bobby Paresi, Peter tried to kill Amanda, Kimberly tried to kill the whole cast).

8.) In medicine, you can work your way up the ladder from resident to chief of staff in 2 seasons.

9.) In advertising, you can work your way up the ladder from receptionist to VP in 2 episodes.

10.) You don’t need to be legally sane to practice medicine.

11.) You can be a god-awful fashion designer (Jane) and a Harvard MBA (Richard) will still hire you.

12.) If you crush your wrist in a waffle iron, you only need an ACE bandage.

13.) When you are totally bald, it only takes a month to grow your hair back to shoulder length.

14.) When the highlight of your week is the “scenes for next week”, it’s time to go out and get a life.

– You can afford designer fashions on the salary of a receptionist at a doctor’s office.

– You can fall off a ten-story building and emerge unscathed as long as you fall on top of another body.

– Once you sleep with one sibling, you’ll sleep with every other sibling (Jo/Jake/Jess, Michael/Sydney/Jane, Australian guy/Sydney/Jane).

– If a bomb explodes in a building, the only person to die will be the person who has visited the building least often.

– You can become a psychiatric resident at a major hospital within one month after your release from a mental hospital.

– Once a mother gives her baby up for adoption, she never thinks about it again.

– A lifetime of trauma over childhood sexual abuse can be cured not by therapy, but by embarrassing your father at a barbecue.

– There are no Latinos or Asians in Los Angeles.

– Chemotherapy does not cause you to lose your hair if you let your roots show after bleaching it.

And the most important lesson:

– Acting talent is not genetic; even if your sister is an Academy Award nominee, you can still be the worst actor on television.

Un hombre se quejaba de

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Un hombre se quejaba de un fuerte dolor en el hombro y un amigo le dice, “Hay una computadora en la farmacia que puede diagnosticar cualquier cosa, mucho m�s r�pido y m�s barato que un doctor. Pones una muestra de tu orina y la computadora te diagnostica tu problema, y te sugiere qu� hacer. Adem�s, s�lo cuesta 5 pesos”.

El hombre llen� un frasco con orina y fue a la farmacia. Encontr� la computadora y puso la muestra de orina dentro de la m�quina. Luego deposit� los $5 en la ranura. La computadora comenz� a hacer ruidos, a encender y apagar varias luces, y luego de una peque�a pausa, por una ranura sali� un papel que dec�a:

Ud. tiene hombro de tenista
Frote su brazo con agua caliente y sal
No haga esfuerzos f�sicos de magnitud
En dos semanas va a estar mucho mejor

M�s tarde, decidi� probar si la computadora pod�a ser enga�ada. Mezcl� agua de la canilla, un poco de caca del perro, un poco de pis de la hija y su mujer. Para terminar, se masturb� y puso su semen en la extra�a mezcla. Fue a la farmacia, encontr� la computadora, y le puso la mezcla, adem�s de los $5. Despu�s de los sonidos y luces de rigor, la m�quina imprimi� el siguiente an�lisis:

Su agua es demasiado impura: C�mprese un purificador
Su perro tiene par�sitos: D�le vitaminas
Su hija se droga: Int�rnela en un instituto de rehabilitaci�n
Su esposa est� embarazada: Y no es suyo. Consiga un abogado
Y si no deja de masturbarse, no se le va a curar nunca el hombro.

Tres tontilandeses en un Jeep

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Tres tontilandeses en un Jeep por el desierto. El carro se da�a. El m�s avispado (es un decir) propone:

�Recuperemos del carro lo que podamos necesitar para la larga caminata�.

Y se apodera del radiador.

�Por si nos da sed�.

El segundo: �Yo tomo un sill�n, por si me canso�.

El �ltimo: �Yo me llevo la puerta, por si tengo calor, abro la ventanilla�.