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There is a lady laying in bed.
At about midnight her drunk husband comes walking in with a sheep under his arm and says, “Thats the fat pig I’ve been sleeping with when I’m not sleeping with you.”
His wife gets a confused look on her face and states, “but honey thats not a pig its a sheep.”
Her husband says, “Shut up pig, I’m talking to the sheep!”
Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton and James Dean?
A: A man without a clue.
A Mainer was out in a rowboat with his wife when she fell overboard. Despite his best efforts, he couldn’t find her, so he rowed back home.
Next day, his friend showed up at the dock and said, “Clyde, I found your wife. She got tangled up in my trap lines and she’s got thirty lobsters sticking to her. What should I do?”
“Quick, pull off the lobsters and set her again!”
A ten year old public school boy was finding fifth grade math to be the challenge of his life. Science? A piece of cake. Geography? No big deal. Spelling? Ha! Give me a break…but MATH? It was devastating! Not only to him, but to his mom and dad, too! They tried anything and everything to help their son… private tutors, peer assistance, CD-ROMs, extra textbooks, even hypnosis. Nothing worked.
Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private school. Not just ANY private school, but a Catholic school. Nuns. Weekly mass. The whole shootin’ match. Well, the first day of school finally arrived, and dressed in his salt-and-pepper cords and white wool dress shirt and blue cardigan sweater, the youngster ventured out into the great unknown. His mother and father were convinced they were doing the right thing. They were both there waiting for their son when he returned home. And when he walked in with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, they hoped they had made the right choice. He walked right past them and went straight to his room – and quietly closed the door.
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room – with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He only emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, he went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card. After school, the boy walked into the home with his report card – unopened – in his hand.
Without a word, he dropped the envelope on the family dinner table and went straight to his room. His parents were petrified. What lay inside the envelope? Success? Failure? DOOM?!? Patiently, cautiously the mother opened the letter, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red “A” under the subject, MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son’s room, thrilled at the remarkable progress of their young son!
“Was it the nuns that did it?”, the father asked.
The boy only shook his head and said, “No.”
“Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?”, asked the mother.
Again, the boy shrugged, “No.”
“The textbooks? The teacher? The curriculum?”, asked the father.
“Nope,” said the son. “It was all very clear to me from the very first day of school, that these folks in Catholic school meant business!”
“How so?”, asked his mom.
“When I walked into the lobby, and I saw that guy they’d nailed to the plus sign, I knew they were serious!
Erich Honnecker (the president of East Germany) was invited to Moscow by
Gorbachev for a visit. After weeks of preparation by Gorby, Honnecker arrives in
Moscow. As part of the celebration activities, there is a big parade through the
streets of Moscow. While the two are watching the parade, Gorbachev takes a
small boy aside and asks him, “Who is your mother?” The child replies, “Mother
Russia.” “And who is your father?”, asks Gorbachev. The boy answers, “Why, its
you Uncle Gorbachev!”. Finally Gorbachev asks the boy, “and what do you want to
be when you grow up?”. The boy proudly replies, “a good communist!”.
Erich Honnecker, meanwhile, has been watching this and is very impressed. So
impressed, that he decides to invite Gorbachev to [East] Berlin for a visit.
Again, after weeks of preparation, Gorbachev’s plane lands in Berlin. And again,
part of the celebration includes a parade. Remembering what Gorbachev did in
Moscow, Honnecker repeats the scene: He asks a little boy in the crowd, “Who is
your mother?” The child replies “the GDR [German Democratic Republic – East
Germany].” “And who is your father?”, asks Honnecker. “Why, its you Uncle
Honnecker!”, replies the child. “And what do you want to be when you grow up?”
queries Honnecker. Without hesitation, the boy replies “an orphan.”
My wife chewed me out at the company picnic a while back.
“Doesn’t it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?”
“Not a bit,” I replied. “I just tell them I’m filling up the plate for you!”
10. You can usually find someone to do it with.
9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.
8. You can finish early with-out feelings of guilt or shame.
7. When you open a book, you don’t have to worry about who else has opened it.
6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
5. If you don’t finish a chapter you won’t gain a reputation as a “book teaser”
4. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.
3. You don’t get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
2. You don’t have to put your beer down to do it.
1. If you aren’t sure what you’re doing, you can always ask your roommate for help!
A customs agent stopped an old Jewish man who had just immigrated to Israel and asked him to open his two suitcases.In the first suitcase he found over a million dollars in one dollar bills.”Excuse me, sir” he asked the old gentleman, “where did you get all this money?””Vell, I’ll tell you,” the old man began, “for many years, I travelled all around America, I stopped at all of the public rest rooms in all the major cities; I vent to New York, then I vent to Chicago, then I vent to San Francisco. I vent into all the stalls here the men were spiriting and I say ‘Give me a dollar for Israel or I’ll cut off your testicles vit my knife.'””That’s quite a story,” the customs agent said, “what’s in the second suitcase?””Vell, you know,” said the old man, shaking his head, “not everyone likes to give…”
The angry preacher…
The preacher rose with a red face. “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!”
No one moved.
The preacher continued, ” Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in our heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression!”
Again all was quiet.
Slowly a “drop dead” gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.
“Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan.
I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets.”
Two hunters were walking through the woods. one of them fell down and grabbed his chest like he was in great pain. His friend had a cell phone with and called the operater. He said, I need help, i think my friend is dead. She said calm down I can help! first, make sure he is dead. The operated waited, and then heard a gun shot. He came back on the phone and said, now what?
The CIA is hiring and is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately.
The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him:
“Do you love your wife?”
“Yes I do, sir.”
“Do you love your country?”
“Yes I do, sir.”
“What do you love more, your wife or your country?”
“My country, sir.”
“Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her.”
The man says to the interviewer, “I can’t do that. I guess that disqualifies me doesn’t it.”
The interviewer tells him yes but that the gun is filled with blanks. The agency would never ask you to do a thing like that. He is disappointed but hands the gun back, gets up and politely leaves.
The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same.
The interviewer gives him the gun, and tells him to go kill his wife.
The guy goes into the room. All is quiet for about five minutes. He comes back, puts the gun down and says “I can’t do it. Am I disqualified?”
The interviewer tells him yes. The man leaves quietly.
The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife.
The guy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes.
The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table.
The interviewer looks at him and asks “What happened?!?!”
“The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!”
yo mama is so hairy her breasts look like coconuts.