Why did the student eat his homework?
His teacher said it was a peace of cake.
Author: admin
A Dollar for Israel
A customs agent stopped an old Jewish man who had just immigrated to Israel and asked him to open his two suitcases.In the first suitcase he found over a million dollars in one dollar bills.”Excuse me, sir” he asked the old gentleman, “where did you get all this money?””Vell, I’ll tell you,” the old man began, “for many years, I travelled all around America, I stopped at all of the public rest rooms in all the major cities; I vent to New York, then I vent to Chicago, then I vent to San Francisco. I vent into all the stalls here the men were spiriting and I say ‘Give me a dollar for Israel or I’ll cut off your testicles vit my knife.'””That’s quite a story,” the customs agent said, “what’s in the second suitcase?””Vell, you know,” said the old man, shaking his head, “not everyone likes to give…”
Lost Wife
A Mainer was out in a rowboat with his wife when she fell overboard. Despite his best efforts, he couldn’t find her, so he rowed back home.
Next day, his friend showed up at the dock and said, “Clyde, I found your wife. She got tangled up in my trap lines and she’s got thirty lobsters sticking to her. What should I do?”
“Quick, pull off the lobsters and set her again!”
Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her…
Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
To keep her neck warm.
A man without a clue.
Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton and James Dean?
A: A man without a clue.
Aunty’s letter
Dear Sanju baba,
I’m writting this slow because I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where
we did when you left home.
Your Pa read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of
your home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address because the last
family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn’t
have to change their address.
This place is really nice. I even has a washing machine. I’m not sure it works
so well, though, Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain, we
haven’t seen it since. The weather isn’t bad here.
It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second
time for fourdays. About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle said it
would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off
and put them in the pockets.
Bablu locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it
took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this
morning, but I haven’t found out what it is yet so I don’t know if you are an
aunt or uncle.
The baby looks just like your brother. Uncle Rakesh fell into a swimming pool
last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We
had him cremated; he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Bablu was driving.
He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the
back, they drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down.
I am now closing this letter and will share more good news with you again next
time. Your Favorite Aunt,
P.S…If this letter does not reach you, please let me know, I will send u
another.
How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don’t even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out! And once they figured it out they wouldn’t be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS…….I’m sorry…what did you ask me?
Mandatory Vacation
Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small
business.
“I started a new practice last year,” the first one said. “I insist
that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months.”
“Why in the world would you do that?” the other asked.
She responded, “It’s the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do
without.”
Fill up the plate
My wife chewed me out at the company picnic a while back.
“Doesn’t it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?”
“Not a bit,” I replied. “I just tell them I’m filling up the plate for you!”
Luego de comerse tres platos
Luego de comerse tres platos exquisitos en un restaurante de lujo, el cliente llama al mozo:
“Camarero, todav�a me he quedado con hambre, �qu� me aconseja pedir?”
“�Quiere un consejo sincero? Pida la cuenta y estoy seguro que se le pasar� el apetito”.
Just reading
A married couple is lying in bed one night.
The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book.
As he’s reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits.
He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.
The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him.
The husband is confused and asks, Why are you taking off your clothes?
His wife replies, You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay.
The husband says, No, not at all.
His wife asks angrily, Well, what the hell were you doing then?
I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
In Just 3 Words…
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.
The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly towards him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, “I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.”
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman’s hand. He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, “Paint my house!”