Rodney Dangerfield Top One-Liners!

A girl phoned me the other day and said …. Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My father carries around the picture of the kid that came with his wallet.

I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “do you think we’ll ever find them? He said, “I don’t know kid, there are so many places they can hide.

Mermaid sex

This guy went into a bar and ordered a beer. He happened to look down the bar
and see a man sitting there with a head the size of a cue ball. So he walked
down and said to the man, �Excuse me sir, I don’t mean to be rude but I noticed
you have a small head. Is this a birth defect?� The man said �No, I got this in
the war. The German�s in WWII torpedoed my ship. I was the only survivor on the
ship so I swam to shore. One day a mermaid swam up to me and said she would
grant me three wishes. For my first wish I wanted to return to the U.S. The
mermaid granted that wish. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever
need. Wish granted. My third wish was to have sex with the mermaid. She said, �I
can’t grant that wish because mermaids can’t have sex.��

So I said, �How about a little head?�

Little Johnny and his mother

One day, Little Johnny was going up to his bedroom when he heard
moans coming from his mother’s room. He opened the door a bit
and she was touching herself saying
“I need a man, I need a man!”
Johnny wondered what she was doing but went to bed.
The next day, he was going to his bedroom, and he heard moaning
again.
He opened the door a bit and saw a man on top of his mother
doing what they shouldn’t be.
He hurried to his room, started touching himself and said,
“I need a bike, I need a bike!”

101 uses for AOL disks

It’s a simple feat to format and reuse AOL disks…but with a little imagination, a truly useful purpose can be found for those pesky white platters invading our mailboxes and magazines.

1. Mini cutting board (great for the office or the car, use metal door for knife).

2. Attach it to a ruler and presto! – you’ve got a fly swatter.

3. Construct a life size replica of Stonehenge.

4. At a restaurant, shove one under a wobbling table leg.

5. Money clip (use the metal door and discard the plastic case…the “rich nerd” look is IN this year).

6. Eye patch (for one-eyed software pirates).

7. Christmas ornaments (the more the merrier).

8. Give them to young children to use as building blocks.

9. Glue them to the bottom of the space shuttle and use them as re-entry burn tiles.

10. Dentures (melt & form them into new teeth for grandma).

11. Room dividers for hamsters.

12. Drink coasters.

13. Use multiple disks to create an ideal door stopper.

14. Ice scraper.

15. Bathroom tile.

16. Bookmark.

17. Mini frisbee.

18. Air hockey puck.

19. Dog chew toy.

20. Dart board.

21. Pooper scooper.

22. Grill scraper.

23. Use them for karate board-breaking demonstrations (save a tree).

24. Wrist slicer — after receiving first AOL bill (use metal door).

25. Conversation piece for coffee table.

26. Destroy them — smash, burn, or run over to relieve stress.

27. Light switch cover.

28. Chinese throwing stars (tape 2 together).

29. Clay pigeons for target practice.

30. Greeting card (bind two together at one end).

31. Halloween treat (give them away all night long).

32. Bullet proof vest (arrange together in triple thickness).

33. Firewood.

34. Bird house.

35. Paper weights.

36. Pen holders (make a box without a top).

37. Post-it notes holder.

38. Refrigerator magnet (glue a magnet to the back).

39. A very sturdy base for putting the motorcycle sidestand on when parking on soft surfaces.

40. Keep ’em in the trunk for extra traction in the snow.

41. Solar Eclipse Glasses (open door and look through disk at the sun/moon — actually works).

42. Placing one in each back pocket helps children who get paddled by the coach. This spreads the force to a wider area.

43. Make an AOL disk & pasta casserole.

44. Incense burners (put stick in hole of disk hub and light the incense).

45. Bug Shield (glue a bunch to the front of your car’s hood).

46. Put them on car windshields at the mall (along with this list).

47. Melt the plastic of the disks into a giant sculpture.

48. Hand them out as party favors.

49. Hidden/spare key holder (crack open one side, insert key and then place near door. Completely safe…who would want an AOL disk?).

50. Vertical blinds.

51. Be an AOL diskette surgeon and disect a diskette.

52. Bench press weights (I can press 120).

53. Grind ’em up and refertilize the front lawn.

54. The new “Domino’s stuffed-crust pizza” filling.

55. Tell the kids to leave warm milk & AOL disks for Santa.

56. Brake shoes.

57. House insulation.

58. Recycle them for the scrap metal.

59. Kitchen tile for Bill Gates’ new mansion in Seattle (walk all over the competition).

60. Hockey Puck.

61. Add water and special plant life to make a Chia-Disk.

62. Noise maker for your bike spokes (why damage your valuable baseball cards).

63. Put one on a leash and drag it along as you walk…makes the perfect pet.

64. Poker chips.

65. Baseball practice (throw them up in the air and hit them with the bat).

66. Keychain (Put a key ring through one of the write-protect holes and you’ve got a snappy executive bathroom keychain for the office).

67. Mail to 10 friends — start an AOL chain-letter (add a disk with each link).

68. Earmuffs (glue some fur on one side, then attach a U-shaped piece of bent coathanger to both disks).

69. Grind them up to make fake snow.

70. Earrings (put loop into write-protect hole).

71. Dental floss (use actual disk).

72. Use them for zipper pulls (instead of ski lift tickets).

73. When your collection of disks reaches 52, use them for a deck of cards.

74. Use them to fill potholes.

75. Hood ornament.

76. Snow blower replacement blades.

77. Put them in your shirt pocket to make you look smart.

78. Make two stacks of 10 and use them as heels for platform shoes.

79. Rubik’s cube case (make into box).

80. Shipping material (keeps your photos from being bent in the mail).

81. Protect your table from burns caused by hot pots and pans.

82. Snack trays (great for holding hors d’oeuvres at parties).

83. Give them as stocking stuffers to all those people who get you mad.

84. Fly paper (use actual disk and put string through middle, hang 2″ apart and apply honey to disks).

85. Pocket protector (gee Gilbert I really like your new pocket protector — thanks, Lewis).

86. They make a *dandy* addition to a #$*+&% neighbor’s back yard. Better yet, get them to actually install it on their computer.

87. Use them as elbow and knee pads.

88. Wax scraper for snowboards.

89. Use them to decorate your aquarium and create Computer City under water.

90. Tape a few together and use them as a mouse pad.

91. Collect a large mass and detonate a supernova.

92. A wind clacker (similar to a wind chime).

93. Soap dish (remove metal to prevent rusting).

94. Row markers for your vegetable garden. (carrots, beans, peas….).

95. Makes the perfect dance floor for your ant colony.

96. Bread roller (use actual disks and put rod through center-use about 100).

97. Hot glue gun resting/protecting pad.

98. Baby mobile.

99. Fence (may need a few thousand).

100. Toe tags for mortuaries. Great for identifying dead computer nerds.

101. Wonderbra inserts for that Madonna-techno look.

Damn Frogs

A lady was walking down the street when a small sign in the window of a shop caught her eye. She stopped, turned back and read the sign which said “Clitoris licking frog available” Checking to see that no one on the street was observing her, she hurriedly entered the shop, closing the door quickly behind her.

Inside there was a counter but no sign of activity or human presence. On the counter there was a bell with a sign on top saying: “Please ring for service”

The lady gave the bell a push. It rang but nothing happened. She hit the bell again and after a few minutes she heard a shuffling, slurping sort of sound and eventually a man emerged from a door behind the counter. “Bonjour madame”

Mandatory Vacation

Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small
business.
“I started a new practice last year,” the first one said. “I insist
that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months.”
“Why in the world would you do that?” the other asked.
She responded, “It’s the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do
without.”