Joint Checking Account: a handly little device which permits my wife to beat me to the draw.
Author: admin
Government Employee
A United State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what’s in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.
“This will look nice on my mantelpiece,” he decides, and takes it home with him.
While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. “I wish for an ice cold diet Coke right now!” He gets his Coke and drinks it.
Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. “I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside.” Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.
He tells the genie his third and last wish. “I wish I’d never have to work ever again.”
POOF! He’s back in his government office.
Consciousness
That annoying time between naps.
The Cheese Grater
A friend of Stevie Wonder bought him a cheese grater for Christmas. A few weeks later the chap met up with the star again and asked him what he thought of the present.”Man!” replied Stevie.”That was the most violent book I’ve ever read!”
Fun to do during an exam
You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise you’re not just failing, you’re getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment “Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit. “
An error in the premise
An error in the premise will appear in the conclusion.
Marketing Screw Ups
Coors put its slogan, “Turn it loose,” into Spanish, where it was read as
“Suffer from diarrhea.”
Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American
campaign: “Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.”
Clairol introduced the “Mist Stick”, a curling iron, into German only to find
out that “mist” is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the “manure
stick.”
When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same
packaging as in the U.S., with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later
they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of
what’s inside, since most people can’t read.
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious
porno magazine.
An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which
promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of “I saw the Pope” (el Papa), the shirts
read “I saw the potato” (la papa).
Pepsi’s “Come alive with the Pepsi Generation” translated into “Pepsi brings
your ancestors back from the grave” in Chinese.
The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as “Ke-kou-ke-la” meaning “Bite the
wax tadpole” or “female horse stuffed with wax” depending on the dialect. Coke
then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent “ko-kou-ko-le”
translating into “happiness in the mouth.”
When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to
have read, “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you”. Instead, the
company thought that the word “embarazar” (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so
the ad read: “It won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.”
Mermaid sex
This guy went into a bar and ordered a beer. He happened to look down the bar
and see a man sitting there with a head the size of a cue ball. So he walked
down and said to the man, �Excuse me sir, I don’t mean to be rude but I noticed
you have a small head. Is this a birth defect?� The man said �No, I got this in
the war. The German�s in WWII torpedoed my ship. I was the only survivor on the
ship so I swam to shore. One day a mermaid swam up to me and said she would
grant me three wishes. For my first wish I wanted to return to the U.S. The
mermaid granted that wish. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever
need. Wish granted. My third wish was to have sex with the mermaid. She said, �I
can’t grant that wish because mermaids can’t have sex.��
So I said, �How about a little head?�
Toughest job
Well, I just found out, you know what the toughest job in the world!
Trying to sell subscriptions to Newsweek in Afghanistan.”
-Jay Leno
What did the blonde say when she knocked over…
What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
“It’s OK Daddy, I’m not hurt.”
Pick up lines that m
1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?2. I’d like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.3. If it’s true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.6. You are so fine that I’d eat your shit just to see where it came from.7. My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can’t hold it in.8. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let’s go fuck.9. Is that a keg in your pants? ‘Cause I would love to tap that ass!10. If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?11. You remind me of a championship bass, I don’t know whether to mount you or eat you!12. Your parents must be retarded, because you are special. 13. Could I touch your belly button . . . from the inside? 14. I’m not too good at algebra, but doesn’t U+I = 69?15. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I’ll give you the meat.16. Guy: “Would you like to dance?” Girl: “I don’t care for this song and surely wouldn’t dance with you.” Guy: “I’m sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants”17. I’m new in town, could I have directions to your house. 18. Fuck me if I’m wrong, but is your name Yolanda?19. I love every bone in your body – especially mine.20. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.21. Hey baby, what’s your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?22. I can’t find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this motel room.23. Wanna play Pearl Harbor?….Its a game where I lay back while you blow the hell out of me.24. Your body’s name must be Visa, because it’s everywhere I want to be. 25. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money? 26. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I’m the only one talking to you.27. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I’d be coming too.28. I’d like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.29. Oh, I’m sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
The Rabbi wants a raise.
There was a Rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby.
The Rabbi went to the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Rabbi’s family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After five or six children, this started to get expensive.
The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbi’s pay situation. As you can imagine there was much yelling and bickering.
Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the crowd. “Having children is an act of God!”
In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up and in his frail voice said..
“Point of information – snow and rain are also ‘acts of God’, but we wear rubbers!”