Q: What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume?
A: “Sat on the Presidential Staff”
Author: admin
Revenge on a Whaling Ship
Two whales, a male and female, are swimming off the coast of
Japan when the male whale looks up and sees the whaling ship
that killed his father five years ago. Excited at the
opportunity to avenge his father’s death, the male whale says to
the female, “Let’s go underneath the ship and blow air through
our blow holes. That ought to knock their boat over, and make
them think twice about killing innocent whales.”
The female whale agrees, and the plan works perfectly. Once the
whaling ship has completely sunk, the male whale notices that
most of the sailors are making their way back to the shore by
either swimming or in lifeboats. Not willing to let them get
away so easily, the male whale yells “They’re going to shore.
Let’s go gobble them up!” Suddenly, the female whale becomes
less cooperative. “Hey!”, she says, “I agreed to the blowjob,
but I’m not swallowing any seamen!”
En el cielo, mientras San
En el cielo, mientras San Pedro est� repartiendo las habitaciones llegan al mismo tiempo un sacerdote y un abogado. San Pedro env�a al abogado a un penthouse con TV, aire y otros lujos, mientras que al sacerdote lo env�a a una habitaci�n sencilla con un abanico, una vela y la Biblia. El sacerdote, enojado por lo que recibi�, sale a reclamar y le dice a San Pedro:
“�Por qu� a mi, que he sido un hombre dedicado a todo lo bueno, me das una habitaci�n sencilla y a �ste que es un abogado le das un penthouse?”
Entonces San Pedro le contesta:
“�Lo que sucede es que sacerdotes tenemos de sobra, pero �ste es el primer abogado que nos llega al cielo!”
The Rooster and the Cat
Answer these questions to the best of your ability:
1. How many eyes does a rooster have?
2. How many legs does a rooster have?
3. How many beaks does a rooster have?
4. And finally how many wiskers does a cat have?
OK now that you’ve answered all these questions to the best of
your ability ask yourself this…Why is it you know so much
about cock and nothing about pussy?
Genetic manipulation
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a turkey?
Drumsticks for everybody!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
A Mean Drunk
Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire
State Building, when the first man turns to the other and says
“You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top
of this building, the winds around the building are so intense
that by the time you fall to the 10th floor, they carry you
around the building and back into a window”. The bartender just
shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The second guy says, “What, are you nuts? There’s no way that
could happen. “No, its true,” the first man says. “Let me prove
it to you.” He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and
plummets toward the street below. As he nears the 10th floor,
the high winds whip him around the building and back into the
10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
He meets the second man, who looks quite astonished. “You know,
I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time
fluke.” “No, I’ll prove it again,” says the first man as he
jumps again. Just as he is hurtling toward the street, the 10th
floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the
window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
“Well, why not.” the second guy says, “It works. I’ll try it.”
He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward passes the 11th,
10th 9th, 8th, floors. . . . . and hits the sidewalk with a
SPLAT.
Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker and says,
“You know Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk”.
Buying Paint
BUYING PAINT FROM A HARDWARE STORE
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: We have regular quality for $12 a gallon and premium for $18. How many gallons would you like?
Customer: Five gallons of regular quality, please.
Clerk: Great. That will be $60 plus tax.
BUYING PAINT FROM AN AIRLINE
Customer: Hi, how much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends.
Customer: Depends on what?
Clerk: Actually, a lot of things.
Customer: How about giving me an average price?
Clerk: Wow, that’s too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon, and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What’s the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn’t any difference; it’s all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then, I’d like some of that $9 paint.
Clerk: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to use it?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: What? When would I have to paint in order to get the $9 version?
Clerk: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You’ve got to be kidding!
Clerk: Sir, we don’t kid around here. Of course, I’ll have to check to see if we have any of that paint available before I can sell it to you.
Customer: What do you mean check to see if you can sell it to me? You have shelves full of that stuff; I can see it right there.
Clerk: Just because you can see it doesn’t mean that we have it. It may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price just went to $12.
Customer: You mean the price went up while we were talking!
Clerk: Yes, sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a day, and since you haven’t actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. Unless you want the same thing to happen again, I would suggest that you get on with your purchase. How many gallons do you want?
Customer: I don’t know exactly. Maybe five gallons. Maybe I should buy six gallons just to make sure I have enough.
Clerk: Oh, no, sir, you can’t do that. If you buy the paint and then don’t use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.
Customer: What?
Clerk: That’s right. We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will be in violation of our tariffs.
Customer: But what does it matter to you whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!
Clerk: Sir, there’s no point in getting upset; that’s just the way it is. We make plans based upon the idea that you will use all the paint, and when you don’t, it just causes us all sorts of problems.
Customer: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible will happen if I don’t keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Yes, sir, it will.
Customer: Well, that does it! I’m going somewhere else to buy my paint.
Clerk: That won’t do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules. Thanks for painting with our airline.
Un tipo lleva a una
Un tipo lleva a una supermujer a un hotel. Despu�s de unos tragos y bailes sensuales, �ste le pide a la chica que se la chupe. Ella, que estaba recontra caliente, accede. Empieza la faena y la tipa resulta toda una Lewinsky. Mientras ella est� arrodillada, �l le acaricia el pelo, la cara, el cuerpo… Todo. De repente, todo el cuarto empieza a sacudirse por un fuerte terremoto que no ten�a para cuando terminar. Sin pensarlo, la chica sale corriendo despavorida as� como estaba.
Instantes despu�s, el hombre, que reci�n hab�a vuelto en s�, se da cuenta de lo que est� ocurriendo y que en sus manos ten�a las orejas de la chica. Calato, sale corriendo y le pregunta al conserje:
“Oiga, �no ha visto a una chica corriendo sin orejas?”
El conserje, medio asustado, alcanza a balbucir:
“�No, no, pero s� he visto a una chica corriendo con una pinga en la boca!”
Your Momma is so old…..
Your Momma is so old, that when she was in high school, the football team played with leather helmets.
Pervert and pick pocket
whats the difference between a pervert and a pick pocket ?
One watches snatches the other snatches watches.
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.181. When your roommate has friends over, get under your covers and stare at them through a little hole in the covers. Use a telescope.
The Rabbi wants a raise.
There was a Rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby.
The Rabbi went to the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Rabbi’s family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After five or six children, this started to get expensive.
The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbi’s pay situation. As you can imagine there was much yelling and bickering.
Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the crowd. “Having children is an act of God!”
In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up and in his frail voice said..
“Point of information – snow and rain are also ‘acts of God’, but we wear rubbers!”