A priest and a Irish man are having a game of golf together. The
Irish man takes the biggest swing ever…………SMASH a huge
pile of dirt goes flying “OH JESUS CHRIST I F#@*!ING MISSED”
screamed the Irish man. “hey now you control your language” said
the priest in an angry tone. So they were up to the next hole
now. The Irish man took another almighty swing SWACK the dirt
goes flying. “OH F$#@ING HELL JESUS CHRIST I MISSED AGAIN”
screamed the Irish man “I’m telling you if you use that kind of
language again god will strike you with lightning” warned the
priest. The next hole now. The Irish man take another huge swing
SWUCK dirt again. “F$#@ING JESUS CHRIST I F$#@ING MISSED A
F$#@ING GAIN” SCREAMED the Irish man. SCREW PCRRRRR A HUGE
LIGHTNING BOLT STRUCK DOWN AND HIT THE PRIEST. From way up above
the Irish man heard “OH F$#@ING JESUS CHRIST I MISSED.
Author: admin
Decent Proposal
An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said ‘yes’. The next morning when he awoke, he couldn’t remember what her answer was! ‘Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny…’ After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn’t remember her answer to the marriage proposal. ‘Oh’, she said, ‘I’m so glad you called. I remembered saying ‘yes’ to someone, but I couldn’t remember who it was.’
Casket Talk
What did one casket say to the other ?
Was that you coffin?
Olympic team
Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim is already in the U.S.
Married Men’s Magazine
Did you hear about the new men’s magazine that caters exclusively to married men?
It’s like Playboy or Penthouse magazine, except the centerfold is the same month after month after month…
Getting Served at a Pub
The landlord of a pub, is just locking up, when there’s a ring on the doorbell. He opens the door, and there’s a snail sitting there.”What do you want?”asks the landlord.The snail replies that he wants a drink.”Go away, we’re closed, and we don’t serve snails anyway”.The snail pleads and pleads with the barman to give it a drink, at which the landlord gets fed up, picks the snail up, throws it as far as he can, and then slams the door shut…… Exactly one year later, he’s locking up again, and there’s a ring at the doorbell. The landlord opens the door, and looks down to see a snail sitting there.”What do you want” says the landlord.”What did you do that for” says the snail.
Inline Lightbulb
How many inline skaters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
10, one to screw it in, and nine to say how extreme it was.
Yo Mama so fat
Yo mama so fat when someone invited her to the superbowl she said oh! Let me take a spoon!
15 Things the ’98 in Windows ’98 Stands For
The number of floppies it will ship on.
The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware.
The number of megabytes of hard disk space required.
The number of pages in the “EASY INSTALL” version of the manual.
The percentage of existing programs that won’t run in the new version.
The number of minutes to install.
The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run.
The number of people who will actually pay for the upgrade.
The number of MHz required for the operating system to run.
The year it was due to ship.
The 98 stands for average CPH : Crash Per Hour.
Bill Gates’ age when it ships.
The number of days until Gates tries to sell you a newer OS.
The required number of megabytes of RAM to run at usable speed.
The percentage that will be complete on the shipping date.
Identifying wasted time
TO: ALL PERSONNEL
FROM: ACCOUNTING
It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in
timesheets that specify large amounts of “Miscellaneous Unproductive Time” (Code
5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your
unproductive time.
Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based
on our observations of employee activities.
The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you
are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list
immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.
Thank you,
Accounting
Attached: Extended Job-Code List
Code and Explanation
5316 Useless Meeting
5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5319 Waiting for Break
5320 Waiting for Lunch
5321 Waiting for End of Day
5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not
Present
5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning
5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You
5481 Buying Snack
5482 Eating Snack
5500 Filling Out Timesheet
5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries
5502 Waiting for Something to Happen
5503 Scratching Yourself
5504 Sleeping
5510 Feeling Bored
5511 Feeling Horny
5600 Complaining About Lousy Job
5601 Complaining About Low Pay
5602 Complaining About Long Hours
5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)
5604 Complaining About Boss
5605 Complaining About Personal Problems
5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining
5701 Not Actually Present At Job
5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu
6102 Ordering Out
6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food
6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
6201 Stealing Company Goods
6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen
Company Goods
6205 Hiding from Boss
6206 Gossip
6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)
6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself
6211 Updating Resume
6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter
6213 Out of Office on Interview
6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
6223 Pretending You Like Coworker
6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks
6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl
6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)
6602 Complaining
6603 Writing a Book on Company Time
6611 Staring Into Space
6612 Staring At Computer Screen
6615 Transcendental Meditation
7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone
7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone
7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone
7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone
7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone
7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone
7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
8000 Recreational Drug Use
8001 Non-recreational Drug Use
8002 Liquid Lunch
8100 Reading e-mail
Se encuentran dos amigos despu�s
Se encuentran dos amigos despu�s de a�os de no verse.
“�Qu� pas� Juan! �C�mo has estado?”
“Bien, Jos� �y t�?”
“Bien.”
Y queriendo entablar conversaci�n uno le dice al otro, “Oye, �te acuerdas de la Juana?”
Y el otro le contesta, “�C�mo no me voy a acordar de ella, si cuando era m�s peque�o le daba yo hasta por el culo.”
A lo cual le contesta el otro, “�Qu� pas� mi amigo, si ella es mi esposa!”
Y el otro apenado le contesta:
“�Bueno, como ahora ya crec�, le debo de dar por los hombros!”
Old Man in Nursing Home
There was an old man in a nursing home who always fell out of his wheelchair. Finally, the nurses decided to do something about it, so they appointed a nurse to watch him all the time. He started to lean foward so the nurse stuck a pillow in front of him. Then he started to lean backward so she stuck a pillow behind him. Then he started to lean to the left so she stuck a pillow to the left of him. Then he leaned to the right and she stuck a pillow to the right of him. Later on that day, his son came to visit him. ”Dad, why do you have all those pillows around you”? ”Well, the nurses around here won’t let me fart!”