Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
Author: admin
Your mamma so old
Your mamma so old.. they put her on display at the museum under Fossil
The Universe is a figment
The Universe is a figment of its own imagination.
In front of a New
In front of a New Hampshire car wash: “If you can’t read this, it’s time to wash your car.” Sign in a realtor’s office: “Lots for little.” Sign in a shoe store: “Come in and have a fit.” Sign in a maternity clothes store: “We are open on labor day.” Sign in a non-smoking area: “If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
Top 10 Signs You’re Being Stalked by Martha Stewart
10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a magazine with pinking shears, and they’re all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.
9. You find a lemon slice in the dog’s water bowl.
8. On her TV show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen licorice downspout and the half-open graham cracker garage door.
7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose petal & saffron demi-glace’, with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce.
6. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you leave the bathroom.
5. You discover that every napkin in the entire house has been folded into a swan.
4. No matter “where” you eat, your place setting always includes an oyster fork.
3. Twice this week you’ve been the victim of a drive-by doilying.
2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.
1. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.
Coke machine
A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins.She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and, of course, the machine keeps feeding out drinks.Another woman walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before asking if someone else could have a go. The blonde spins around and shouts in her face, ‘Can’t you see I’m winning?’
U.S. AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, Zoomie, swear to sign away four years of my useless life to the United
States Air Force because I know I couldn’t hack it in the Army and because the
Marines frighten me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work
done by others more dedicated than me who take their job seriously. I also swear
not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test
as a valid form of exercise.
I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States, even
though I believe myself to be above that. I promise to walk around calling
everyone by their first name because I know I’m not really in the military and I
find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of
life than all those around me and will at all times be sure to make them aware
of that fact.
After completion of my — snicker — “basic training,” I will be a lean, mean,
donut eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chairborne
Ranger. I will believe that I am superior to all others, and will make an effort
to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back with it. I will
do no work unless someone is watching me (and it makes me look good), will annoy
those around me, and will go home early everyday.
I consent to never getting promoted — EVER — and understand that all those
whom I made fun of yesterday probably will outrank me tomorrow.
So help me God.
Signature: ___________________ Date: _________________
Los reci�n casados llegan a
Los reci�n casados llegan a la habitaci�n del hotel. El marido est� impaciente por comenzar. La novia, tranquilamente, se sienta en la cama, se quita la peluca y la tira al armario; luego se saca la dentadura postiza y la echa al armario, a continuaci�n, se quita un pecho y lo arroja al armario; despu�s se desenrosca la pierna de palo que llevaba y al armario; al quitarse el brazo ortop�dico le susurra al marido:
“Cari�o, ven”.
“��Ad�nde, a la cama o al armario?!”
Blonde golfers
Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag,
but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green,
they discovered one about three feet from the cup, while the other somehow had
gone directly in.
They tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both
using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House
and asked the golf pro for a ruling.
After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots
under such adverse conditions he asked, “OK, so who was playing the yellow
ball?”
How many Yale students does it take to change…
How many Yale students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. New Haven looks better in the dark.
Resulta que Cornelio se ha
Resulta que Cornelio se ha casado con Facilisa, y �sta, la noche de bodas, coloca un cofre cerrado con un gran candado al pie de la cama.
“�Para que es ese cofre, cielo?, pregunta Cornelio, “Ese es un secreto m�o que nunca te voy a decir”, le reponde su amada.
Cornelio, respetuoso del sentir de su mujer, no vuelve a preguntar. Al volver del viaje de bodas, Facilisa coloca al pie de la cama de su nuevo hogar el dichoso cofre. Cornelio, presa de la intriga y la duda, le vuelve a preguntar: “Vida mia, despu�s del maravilloso viaje de bodas, no me puedes decir que es lo que guardas con tanto celo en ese cofre?” “No, querido m�o. Como te he dicho antes, es mi secreto y no te lo dir�.”
As� pasan muchos a�os, sin que Cornelio pregunte m�s por el cofre. Sin embargo, al cumplir 50 a�os de casados, despu�s de la celebracion, Cornelio persiste nuevamente y dice: “Amor mio… son ya 50 a�os de casados. Hemos compartido mucho, y la verdad es que creo que es tiempo de que me digas lo que guardas en el cofre.” Facilisa, conmovida por la escena, finalmente accede, y al abrirlo, Cornelio encuentra dentro cinco granitos de maiz y una bolsa repleta de dinero.
Cornelio, perturbado, le pregunta a su mujer: “�Y eso, para que lo has guardado con tanto celo? “Debo confesarte, responde Facilisa, que por cada vez que te he sido infiel, guardaba un granito de maiz en el cofre.” Cornelio, aunque decepcionado, se consolaba pensando que cinco infidelidades, en 50 a�os de casados, despu�s de todo no era tanto. Entonces, pregunta a Facilisa: “�Y el dinero?” Y le responde Facilisa: “Es que cada vez que juntaba una tonelada de ma�z, pues la vend�a.”
Out Hunting
A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said “Stay here and be VERY QUIET. I’ll be across the field.” A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son asking “What’s wrong? I told you to be quiet.”
The son answered, “Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said “Should we eat them here or take them with us?” I panicked…