Good Old Fred

Ol’ Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital,
near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.

As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol’ Fred’s condition
appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for
something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and
Ol’ Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he
died.

The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that
time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized
that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol’
Fred died. He said, “You know, Ol’ Fred handed me a note just
before he died. I haven’t looked at it, but knowing Fred, I’m
sure there’s a word of inspiration there for us all.”

He opened the note, and read, “Hey, you’re standing on my oxygen
tube!”

In front of a New

In front of a New Hampshire car wash: “If you can’t read this, it’s time to wash your car.” Sign in a realtor’s office: “Lots for little.” Sign in a shoe store: “Come in and have a fit.” Sign in a maternity clothes store: “We are open on labor day.” Sign in a non-smoking area: “If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

Coke machine

A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins.She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and, of course, the machine keeps feeding out drinks.Another woman walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before asking if someone else could have a go. The blonde spins around and shouts in her face, ‘Can’t you see I’m winning?’

Company President

Since I was the first to arrive at our high-tech company one morning, I answered the telephone. When the caller asked for field engineering, I explained that it was before normal business hours, but that I would help if I could. “What’s your job there?” the caller asked me.

“I’m the president,” I replied.

There was a pause. Then he said, “I’ll call back later. I need to talk to someone who knows something.”

Redneck quickies 37

You might be a redneck if…You keep a chainsaw in the trunk “just in case”. You’ve given your gun a woman’s name. Baling wire and a pair of pliers are what you consider high tech tools. You go to the post office to research your family tree. You have to check your coke can before you take a drink just in case you have mistaken it for your spit can.You have accidentally taken a drink from your spit can. Your wife asks you what you want to be when you grow up. You see a forest fire and think ‘Bar-bee-Q’. You’ve ever strained your tea through a flyswatter. Your mother is hairier than your father. Instead of flossing you use a plunger. You take the back window out of your pickup because it’s easier to chuck the empty beer cans in the back that way. When the back fills up with empty beer cans, you get another pickup and start all over again.Your grandma can bench press atruck axle.You watch “The Dukes Of Hazzard” and have to find someone to explain it to you.Your mom kisses you goodnight and you go to school the next day and say you’ve met your future wife.When your wife walks in front of you it looks like two pigs fighting in a gunny sack.Your only excuse for smelling bad is it runs in the family. Your favorite fruit is chicken.You think those yellow traffic signs that say “Slow children at play” means the kids in the area are not too bright. At least one of the kitchen appliances on your front porch is more than forty years old.

Boarding from what gate?

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, “We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41.”So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: “Thank you for participating in Delta’s physical fitness program.

End of the Rope

There were 11 women hanging onto a rope that was hanging down a cliff. Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette. They all decided that one person should let go because if they didn�t then the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette thought to herself �I�ll let go.�
After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would let go, all of the blondes started clapping.

New TV

There was a blonde and she wanted to buy a TV and so she went to a store to buy a TV. She goes in the store and looks around and finds a TV she really likes.

She goes up to the man at the cash register and says “Hey can I buy this TV?”

The guy says “No, I don’t sell any thing to blondes!”

Sad, she leaves the store but then as she is passing a salon she has a good idea ( for once) she thought “I am gonna dye my hair.”

The next day she comes in the store with black hair she finds the TV and says “Hello. can I buy this TV?”

“No, I don’t sell to blondes”

Well, this dyeing her hair a different color goes on and on at last she dyes she hair blue, comes in and says “Can I get a TV?”

“No, I don’t sell to blondes.” he said for the 6th time.

“But how do you know I am a blonde?”

“Because miss that isn’t a TV, it is a microwave.”

Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis

An Unusual Vet

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.
Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, “Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy — Either way, you get your dog back!”