Why was the blonde late for work?
Because the stop sign never said go.
Author: admin
3 men on a plane
Okay, so there was three men on a plane and the piolot said,
“The luggage weighs to much, each of you drop one thing.” So
each of them dropped one thing. The 1st man dropped an apple,
the 2nd man dropped an orange, and the 3rd dropped a stick of
dinamite. So, the three men landed safely and they were walking
along when:
They saw a little girl crying, “Why are you crying?” and the
girl said back, “An apple fell down and hit me in the head!” So,
they walked on and they saw a little boy crying. So they said,
“Why are you crying?” ANd he said back, “An orange fell out of
nowhere and hit me in the head!” So they walked on and they saw
an old lady crackin her head off. “Why are you laughing?” The
men said…….”I farted, and my house blew up!!!!!!!!!!!!!” the
elderly lady said back.
Christmas Parrot
A man wants to buy a pet for his girlfriend for Christmas, so he goes to a pet shop…
“Hello, I was thinking of buying a pet for my girlfriend.”
“You came to the right place. How about a parrot?”
“I don’t know, I was thinking of a more romantic animal.”
“It is not just a parrot. It is a singing parrot. He sings three different Christmas songs. LEt me show you.”
The pet shop worker raises the parrot’s right foot and lights a match under it. The parrot sings, “We wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish..” The match is then removed. He then lights a match under the left foot. “Dashing through the snow in a one horse opeen sleigh…” The match is then removed.
The man enthusiastically says, “That’s really neat. Let me hear the third song.”
The pet shop worker then puts a lit match between the parrot’s legs. “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire..”
Captain Penny’s Law: You
Captain Penny’s Law: You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you Can’t Fool Mom.
Young Gunslinger
It’s 1880, the decade of gunslingers and gentlemen. This is a story of one such young man that wanted more than anything to be the fastest and most respected gunslinger in the west. The place was Dodge City, Kansas in the Sawdust Saloon.
The young man walked into the Sawdust Saloon and, to his surprise, saw Bat Masterson sitting at a table playing poker. The young man walked up to Bat and said, “Mr. Masterson, I would like to be a gunslinger just like you. Could you give me some tips?”
Bat Masterson put his cards down, looked up at the boy and said, “Son, I don’t usually give out tips like this cause it could someday be detrimental to my health, but step back and let me take a look at you.”
The boy stepped back and Mr. Masterson said, “You look good. You’re wearing black, you’ve got two ivory handled guns with waxed holsters, and you look like a gunslinger. But what’s more important, son, is: Can you shoot?”
The young man, happy to show how good he was, quickly drew his pistol from his right holster and without aiming shot the cuff link off of the piano player’s right sleeve.
Bat Masterson said, “That’s good shooting son, but can you shoot with your left hand?”
Before Masterson could even finish, the boy had already drawn the pistol from his left holster and shot the cuff link off of the piano player’s left shirt sleeve. Very proud of himself the young man blew the smoke away from his six shooter and holstered his gun.
“How was that?” the boy asked Masterson.
Bat Masterson smiled and looked up and the boy and said, “That was pretty good shooting son. I couldn’t do better than that myself, but I do have one good tip for you.”
“What’s that?” the boy asked.
“I suggest that you go to the kitchen and ask the cook for a large can of lard. Then take both guns of yours and stick them down deep in the lard.”
Puzzled the young gunslinger asked Masterson why he should do that. Masterson put his cards down again, leaned back in his chair, and said, “Well son, when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano over there, he’s going to take those two guns of yours and shove em up your ass . . “
Despite the cost of living,
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Animal Menagerie
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old
daughter.
Mother: “What does the cow say?”
Child: “Moo!”
Mother: “Great! What does the cat say?”
Child: “Meow.”
Mother: “And what does the pig say?”
Child: “Oink, Oink.”
Mother: “Oh, you’re so smart! What does the frog say?”
And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and
in her deepest voice replied, “Bud-wei-ser.”
Apples for sale…
A guy’s driving down a country road when he comes upon a sign saying “Apples – $
5.00 each.” He thinks that that is a lot of money so he decides to go see what’s up.
He goes up to the farmer and says, “Hey, how come these apples are 5 bucks each?” The farmer replies, “They are peanut butter and jelly apples.” The farmer hands him one and says, “Here, try one.”
So the man takes a bite out of the apple and says, “Peanut butter – that’s great, but I thought you said that they were peanut butter and jelly apples.”
The farmer tells the man to turn it around. The man bites the other side and exclaims “son of a gun – jelly!” The man says, “These apples are great – give me some!”
He gets back in his car and drives a little further down the road and then sees another sign “Apples – $10 each.” Again, he pulls over, goes to the farmer and says, “Hey, what’s up with these apples?”
The farmer says, “They’re ham and cheese apples. Here, try one.”
The guy takes a bit and exclaims, “Son of a gun – ham!” The guy then says, “Let me guess – I have to turn it around.”
The farmer says “You got it.” The guy bites the other side and says, “Cheese.” Again the man says, “These apples are great – give me some.”
Then he gets back in his car and drives down the road. He comes upon a third sign that says “Apples – $50 each.” The guy really wants to see what’s up with these apples. Again, he pulls over, goes up to the farmer and says, “What’s the deal with these apples? 50 bucks each?”
The farmer tells him that “These apples are pussy apples. Here, try one.”
The guy takes a bite out of it and says, “Yuck! This apple tastes like shit!”
The farmer says, “Turn it around!”
El mozo de bar se
El mozo de bar se niega a servirle una copa m�s a un tipo que est� completamente ebrio. El beodo le reclama con prepotencia:
“�Eh, t�! �No sabes qui�n soy?”
“Realmente lo ignoro, se�or. Pero no se preocupe, que ya se acordar� cuando se le baje la borrachera”, le contesta el camarero con circunspecci�n.
An Unusual Vet
There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.
Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.
He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, “Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy — Either way, you get your dog back!”
Management Quotes
Recently, a magazine ran a contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life managers. Here are some of the submissions:
1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)
2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
4. This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn’t edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)
7. Quote from the Boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.” (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
8. “How About Friday?” My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, “That would be better for me.” (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
9. “We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.” (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: “This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above.” (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said “If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!” (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
12. Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company’s training programs and materials.
In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the “pedagogical approach” used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director’s office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn’t stand for “perverts” (pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired – and the word “pedagogical” circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
13. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company: “(Company name) is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!” (Lucent Technologies)
The Clinton Years
After much arguing and deliberation, historians have come up with a phrase to
describe the Clinton Era. It will be called SEX BETWEEN THE BUSHES.