Yours Fun Portal !
This guy goes to a whorehouse and says to the Madam, “I want to get screwed.”
The Madam tells him to go up to room #12 and knock on the door. The guy walks up to the door, knocks on it, and says, “I really want to get screwed, bad!”
A very sexy voice replies “Just slide $20 under the door.”
So the man slides the $20 under the door and waits… Nothing Happens! He knocks on the door again, and yells out “I want to get screwed!”
The sexy voice behind the door answers, “Again?”
Do you know why New Yorkers are always so depressed?
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.
How do you make a whore moan?Don’t pay her!
Two beggars are sitting on a park bench outside a church on a Sunday morning. They are both dressed in rags, each is holding a top hat, the one has a large cross around his neck and the other a large Star of David. After church, the congregants file out, each placing money in the hat belonging to the beggar with the cross while ignoring the beggar with the Star of David. Soon the hat of the beggar with the cross is overflowing with money while the other beggar’s hat remains empty.
A priest who has been watching this approaches the bench and says to the beggar with the Star of David around his neck “My son, surely you realize you are in a Christian country, in a Christian neighborhood, on a Sunday morning, sitting outside a church? How can you possibly expect anyone to give you any money, especially since you are wearing a large Star of David around your neck?”
On hearing this the beggar with the Star of David around his neck turns to the other beggar and says “Moshe, can you believe this priest trying to tell us how to run our business!”
A blonde wanted to win the lotto so she prayed to god, and she lost. Next week she prayed to god again, and she lost. The week after she prayed to god, and she lost. She said to god, why wont you let me win? God replied, How about buying a ticket first?
On their first night to be together, the newlywed couple go to change.
The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her
beautiful robe.
The proud husband says, “My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe.”
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. “Oh, oh,
aaaahhh,” he exclaims, “my word, you are so beautiful, let me take your
picture.
Puzzled, she asks, “My picture?”
He answers, “Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart
forever.”
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to
shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, “Why do you wear a robe?
We are married now.”
At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, “Oh, oh, oh my, let me get a
picture.”
He beams and asks, “Why?”
She answers, “So I can get it enlarged.”
Talk about bad luck – this lot takes the cake!
A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise’s car into a river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore – where a tree blew over and killed him.
Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas, was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge – and killed him.
Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head and he died of a fractured skull.
George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, Rhode Island, narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed, killing him.
Depressed that he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand threatening to kill himself. His wife pleaded with him not to do it, and after about half an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife.
In 1976, a 22-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing the busy Falls Road in Belfast when he was struck by a taxi and flung over its roof. The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay stunned in the road, another car ran into him, rolling him into the gutter. It too drove on. As a lot of gawkers gathered to examine the magnetic Irishman, a delivery van ploughed through the crowd, leaving in its wake three injured bystanders and an even more battered Bob Finnegan. When a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd wisely scattered and only one person was hit – Bob Finnegan. In the space of two minutes, Finnegan suffered a fractured skull, broken pelvis, broken leg, and other assorted injuries, but hospital officials said he would recover.
Hitting on a novel idea that he could end his wife’s incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled.
13. Your dojo’s symbol is a bullseye target.
12. First demonstration consists of falling to the floor, curling into the fetal position, and whimpering pitifully.
11. Frequent pauses while instructor tearfully stops to right his spilled pocket protector.
10. The “gees” are used hospital gowns, and the “throwing stars” are just slices of old cheese.
9. The homework is always just to watch a Jackie Chan movie.
8. The techniques are only effective if your attacker is one of the Three Stooges.
7. Instructor’s low fees enhanced by take from one-on-one “pop quizzes” in dark alleys.
6. Benihana has a restraining order against your instructor.
5. Local muggers gather in the parking lot waiting for class to end.
4. Current students bark out on cue the phrase “Insurance does not exist in this dojo!”
3. You take yourself to the mat 4 out of 5 times simply trying to tie your belt on.
2. Sensei’s “ancient Chinese secret” required notifying the neighbors when he moved in.
1. Did Confucius ever really say he was “going to open up a can of whoop-ass” on someone?
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ] [ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]A man wants to buy a pet for his girlfriend for Christmas, so he goes to a pet shop…
“Hello, I was thinking of buying a pet for my girlfriend.”
“You came to the right place. How about a parrot?”
“I don’t know, I was thinking of a more romantic animal.”
“It is not just a parrot. It is a singing parrot. He sings three different Christmas songs. LEt me show you.”
The pet shop worker raises the parrot’s right foot and lights a match under it. The parrot sings, “We wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish..” The match is then removed. He then lights a match under the left foot. “Dashing through the snow in a one horse opeen sleigh…” The match is then removed.
The man enthusiastically says, “That’s really neat. Let me hear the third song.”
The pet shop worker then puts a lit match between the parrot’s legs. “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire..”
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old
daughter.
Mother: “What does the cow say?”
Child: “Moo!”
Mother: “Great! What does the cat say?”
Child: “Meow.”
Mother: “And what does the pig say?”
Child: “Oink, Oink.”
Mother: “Oh, you’re so smart! What does the frog say?”
And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and
in her deepest voice replied, “Bud-wei-ser.”
It’s 1880, the decade of gunslingers and gentlemen. This is a story of one such young man that wanted more than anything to be the fastest and most respected gunslinger in the west. The place was Dodge City, Kansas in the Sawdust Saloon.
The young man walked into the Sawdust Saloon and, to his surprise, saw Bat Masterson sitting at a table playing poker. The young man walked up to Bat and said, “Mr. Masterson, I would like to be a gunslinger just like you. Could you give me some tips?”
Bat Masterson put his cards down, looked up at the boy and said, “Son, I don’t usually give out tips like this cause it could someday be detrimental to my health, but step back and let me take a look at you.”
The boy stepped back and Mr. Masterson said, “You look good. You’re wearing black, you’ve got two ivory handled guns with waxed holsters, and you look like a gunslinger. But what’s more important, son, is: Can you shoot?”
The young man, happy to show how good he was, quickly drew his pistol from his right holster and without aiming shot the cuff link off of the piano player’s right sleeve.
Bat Masterson said, “That’s good shooting son, but can you shoot with your left hand?”
Before Masterson could even finish, the boy had already drawn the pistol from his left holster and shot the cuff link off of the piano player’s left shirt sleeve. Very proud of himself the young man blew the smoke away from his six shooter and holstered his gun.
“How was that?” the boy asked Masterson.
Bat Masterson smiled and looked up and the boy and said, “That was pretty good shooting son. I couldn’t do better than that myself, but I do have one good tip for you.”
“What’s that?” the boy asked.
“I suggest that you go to the kitchen and ask the cook for a large can of lard. Then take both guns of yours and stick them down deep in the lard.”
Puzzled the young gunslinger asked Masterson why he should do that. Masterson put his cards down again, leaned back in his chair, and said, “Well son, when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano over there, he’s going to take those two guns of yours and shove em up your ass . . “
At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, “We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41.”So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: “Thank you for participating in Delta’s physical fitness program.