Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to the
Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain. The doctor came out of the
bedroom a minute after he’d gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, “Do you have a
hammer?”
A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a hammer. The
doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom. A moment later, he came out
and asked, “Do you have a chisel?” Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.
In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers, a
screwdriver and a hacksaw. The last request got to Mr. Tuttle. He asked, “What
are you doing to my wife?”
“Not a thing,” replied old doc Carver. “I can’t get my instrument bag open.”
Author: admin
Question and answer Christmas joke
Q: Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet of handkerchiefs for Christmas?Q: Olive ?A: Yeah, you know, “Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names”
The chicken.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide!
Ages
The Ages of Woman:
1. Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.
2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.
3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.
4. Between the ages of 46 and 56 she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.
5. After 56 she is like Australia; everybody knows it’s down there but who gives a damn?
——————————————————————————–
The Ages of Man: (read these ones carefully)
1. Between 16 and 26: Tri-weekly.
2. Between 27 and 46: Try weekly.
3. Over 47: Try weakly.
Turky sperm bank
There was a guy who worked at a turky sperm bank.He went to a turky farm to collect sperm.
When he got there a turky came up to him and said,”goble goble,”the guy said”No fuck you dude, your getting a hand like everybody else!
Fully Loaded
A certain young man finally won a date with the blonde female of somewhat questionable morals that lived in his apartment complex.
To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get a sunburn on his “tool of the trade”. But the young man was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.
The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man’s sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.
The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his Johnson immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, “So that’s how you guys load those things!”
An Honest Lawyer?
An investment counsellor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realised she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.”As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.”She leaned forward.”Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?””Honest?”replied the job prospect.”Let me tell you something about honesty. Why, I’m so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.””Impressive….. And what sort of case was that?”The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, “He sued me for the money.”
In Modesto, CA,
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
If you do not like
If you do not like the answer, you shouldn’t have asked the question.
Saving it for marriage
John and Mary had been high school sweethearts, but they had never had sex. “We’ll have to wait until we are married.” She told him. So he waited…They are engaged three years and finally the big day rolls around. On their wedding night, Mary comes out of the bathroom, and announces, “I have some bad news. I have my period, and I don’t want our first time to be all bloody.” John exclaims, “You’re kidding!” Mary flatly informs him, “We’ll just have to wait a bit longer.”Mary goes to sleep and wakes up at 3 am to get a drink. On her way back to bed, she notices Johnny wide awake staring at the ceiling. “There’s no use John,” she said. “You might as well go to sleep.” He responded quickly, “I would, except my dick’s so hard there’s not enough skin left to close my eyes.”
Hiking
A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike. “Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300,” he asked.
“Easy, dad,” little Johnny replied. “I earned it hiking.”
“Come on Johnny,” the father said. “Tell me the truth.”
“That is the truth!” Johnny replied. “Every night you were gone, mom’s boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see mom. He’d give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
You don’t want to hear these!
Things you don’t want to hear during surgery:
1. Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.
2. Someone call the janitor – we’re going to need a mop
3. “Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness”
4. Spot! Spot! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!
5. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
6. Hand me that… uh… that uh… thingie.
7. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
8. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
9. Damn, there go the lights again…
10. “Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy’s got two of ’em.
11. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
12. Could you stop that thing from beating; it’s throwing my concentration off.
13. Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
14. I hope his family won’t miss him
15. And now we remove the subject’s brain and place it in the body of the ape.
16. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
17. Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?
18. Don’t worry. I think it is sharp enough.
19. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!.