Author: admin

Braggart

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The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is,” he said.

“I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”

“You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied.

“Let’s see what you got.”

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right. Get in.”

Forgive me Father…

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It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.
“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWll, I hid a Jewish man in my attic.”

“Well,” answered the Priest, “That’s no a sin.”

“But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed.”

“I admit that wasn’t good, but you did it for a good cause.”

“Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more question.”

“What is it son.”

“Do I have to tell him the war is over?”

Fruitcake Recipe

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If you find yourself stressed about all of the Thanksgiving cooking and
company, try this sure-fire recipe. I’ve never liked fruitcake, but this
recipe has made me change my mind. I discovered after trying this recipe
that there isn’t anything better on Friday nights after work than a HUGE
slice of this great recipe:

First, you’ll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four
large brown eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of
brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whiskey.

Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the
whiskey again. To be sure it’s the highest quality, our one level cup and
drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a
large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the
whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Beat two eggs
and add to the bowl and chuck in the chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix
on the tuner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose
with a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Now sift
lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or
something. Whatever you can find. Now, grease the oven. Turn the cake tin
to 350 degrees. Don’t forget to beat off the tuner. Throw the bowl out the
window. Check the whiskey again and go to bed.

Redneck quickies 2

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You might be a redneck if…

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

Your Christmas tree is still up in February.

You’ve ever been arrested for loitering.

You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’ouvre.

There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

You’ve ever shot anyone for looking at you.

You own a homemade fur coat.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your momma has “ammo” on her Christmas list.

Lotto

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A blonde wanted to win the lotto so she prayed to god, and she lost. Next week she prayed to god again, and she lost. The week after she prayed to god, and she lost. She said to god, why wont you let me win? God replied, How about buying a ticket first?

I Wanna Be A Commie

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A man goes to the doctor for a checkup. After the checkup, the doctor tells the man he has bad news. “You only have six months to live.”

The man sits for a while thinking, and then says, “There’s only one thing I can do, I’m going to become a Communist.”

The doctor asks,”You’ve been a patriotic American all your life, why are you going to become a Communist now?”

The man says, “Better one of them should die than one of us!”

Saving it for marriage

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John and Mary had been high school sweethearts, but they had never had sex. “We’ll have to wait until we are married.” She told him. So he waited…They are engaged three years and finally the big day rolls around. On their wedding night, Mary comes out of the bathroom, and announces, “I have some bad news. I have my period, and I don’t want our first time to be all bloody.” John exclaims, “You’re kidding!” Mary flatly informs him, “We’ll just have to wait a bit longer.”Mary goes to sleep and wakes up at 3 am to get a drink. On her way back to bed, she notices Johnny wide awake staring at the ceiling. “There’s no use John,” she said. “You might as well go to sleep.” He responded quickly, “I would, except my dick’s so hard there’s not enough skin left to close my eyes.”

Hiking

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A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike. “Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300,” he asked.

“Easy, dad,” little Johnny replied. “I earned it hiking.”

“Come on Johnny,” the father said. “Tell me the truth.”

“That is the truth!” Johnny replied. “Every night you were gone, mom’s boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see mom. He’d give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

It’s a cat’s world after all!

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On the first day of creation, God created the cat…. On the second day, God created man to serve the cat…. On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat…. On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the cat…. On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it…. On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man broke…. On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to scoop the litterbox….