Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Author: admin
Braggart
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is,” he said.
“I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”
“You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied.
“Let’s see what you got.”
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right. Get in.”
Cuando Dios hizo el mundo,
Cuando Dios hizo el mundo, para que los hombres prosperaran decidi� darles dos virtudes: A los Gringos los hizo ordenados y respetuosos de la ley; a los Ingleses, tenaces y estudiosos; a los Japoneses, trabajadores y pacientes, y as� sucesivamente.
Cuando lleg� a los Nicarag�enses, le dijo al �ngel, que anotara en una planilla lo siguiente: “Estos van a ser inteligentes, honestos, y Arnoldistas”.
Cuando termin� de hacer el mundo, el �ngel le llam� la atenci�n y le dijo: “Santo Padre, t� has dado a todos los pueblos del mundo dos virtudes, pero a los nicarag�enses les has dado tres. Eso har� que ellos prevalezcan por encima de todos los otros pueblos de la tierra”.
“Caramba” dijo el Se�or, “��es cierto!!, pero como los dones de Dios no deben quitarse, deberemos remediar esto. A partir de hoy los Nicas conservar�n esas tres virtudes, pero para no prevalecer por sobre los dem�s, ninguno podr� ejercer m�s de dos virtudes simult�neamente”.
Es por eso, que desde ese momento, el Nica que es Arnoldista y honesto, no puede ser inteligente; el que es inteligente y Arnoldista, no puede ser honesto, y el que es inteligente y honesto, jam�s podr� ser partidario de Arnoldo Alem�n.
Moraleja: “Dios sabe muy bien hacer sus cosas”
Judges Award
“Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,” the divorce court judge said, “and I’ve decided to give your wife $275 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” the husband said. “And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”
Clinton one-liner
If the Clinton’s divorce before 1996, who will get the house?
Q: How can you
Q: How can you tell the difference between a straight rodeo and a gay rodeo?
A: At a straight rodeo they yell “Ride them suckers!”
Pat and Mick landed themselves
Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning
tea pat yelled: “Mick! I lost me finger!”
“Have you now?” says Mick. “And how did you do it?”
“I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi…Damn! There goes
another one!”
Knock KnockWho’s there?Ooze!Ooze who?Ooze in
Knock KnockWho’s there?Ooze!Ooze who?Ooze in charge round here!
Tadpoll
whare do tadpolls go when they loose thers
Old Ladies Nipple
One day poor old Lena decided she didn’t want to be in this world any longer. She resolved to commit suicide. She figured the best way was to shoot herself in the heart…but she didn’t know just where her heart was. She called a doctor for the information.The doctor said that usually on a women, the heart is located about four inches below the left nipple.Lena followed the directions perfectly and was therefore very surprised to regain consciousness in a hospital.”I should be dead!” she wailed.”Don’t worry, lady,” the orderly answered, “your knee will mend before you know it!”
Good, Bad, Ugly…….
Good, Bad, Ugly….Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.Bad: You can’t find your birth control pills.Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.Ugly: You’re in them.Good: Your husband understands fashion.Bad: He’s a cross-dresser.Ugly: He looks better than you.Good: Your son’s finally maturing.Bad: He’s involved with the woman next door.Ugly: So are you.Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.Bad: She keeps interrupting.Ugly: With corrections.Good: Your wife’s not talking to you.Bad: She wants a divorce.Ugly: She’s a lawyer.Good: The postman’s early.Bad: He’s wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47.Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.Good: Your daughter got a new job.Bad: As a hooker.Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do.Good: You’re son is dating someone new.Bad: It’s another man.Ugly: He’s you’re best friend.Good: You’re wife is pregnant.Bad: It’s triplets.Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
How to Cook a Turkey
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch)
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out