How do English teachers refer to Santa’s Little Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses!
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Speeding Blonde
A police officer saw a car speeding down the highway.
He started chasing after the speeder .
When he got close he’s saw it was a blonde woman who was actually knitting while driving.
The cop yelled, “Pull over!”
The blonde shouted back, “No! It’s a sweater!”
Lesbian Shoe
Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?They’re called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!
Getting out of a Speeding Ticket
Did you hear about the kid who was pulled over for speeding?
The cop got out of his car and the young man rolled down his window.
“I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said.
The guy replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Question and answer Christmas joke
Q: What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?A: It was wound up already.
SADDAM HUSSEIN MEETS GEORGE BUSH
Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of
talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on
the side of Saddam’s chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam
presses the First button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and
punches Bush in the face.
Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later
the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in
the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to
put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third
button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates,
he’s finally had enough, knowing that he can’t do much without them functioning
well. “I’m going back home!” he tells the Iraqi. “We’ll finish these talks in
two weeks!”
A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the
two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bush’s chair and prepares
himself for the Yank’s revenge. They begin talking and Bush presses the first
button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers. A few seconds later
he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush
roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again,
and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
“Forget this,” says Saddam. “I’m going back to Baghdad!”
Dubya says through tears of laughter, “What Baghdad?”
The most savage controversies are
The most savage controversies are those about matters as to which there is no good evidence either way.
University Courses For Women
Etiquette and Behavior:
EB101: PMS (Preposterous Mood Swings) -Learning To Sleep Over At Mother’s
EB102: We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas
(Just Wear The Sexy Lingerie I Gave You)
EB103: How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right
EB104: Why It Is Unacceptable To Talk About Feminine Hygiene In Mixed Company
EB105: If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
EB106: How To Act Younger Than Your Mother
EB107: Apologizing For Farting When You’re On The Toilet Is Not Necessary
General Electives:
GE101: You, The Whining Sex
GE102: Why You Don’t Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend
GE103: Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous
GE104: Female Friendship – Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most
GE105: Learning To Appreciate Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men
Home Economics:
HE101: You Can Change The Oil Too
HE102: How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug
HE103: How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football
HE104: How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop
HE105: Get A Life – Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself
HE106: How To Close The Garage Door
HE107: How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste
HE108: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One
HE109: Why Going To The Bathroom Is Not A Group Activity
HE110: Overcoming “The Imelda Syndrome” (formerly called “How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?”)
Interpersonal Relationships:
IR101: Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness
IR102: If You Don’t Want An Excuse, Don’t Demand An Explanation
IR103: Romanticism – The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation
IR104: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching “The Three Stooges”
IR105: Marriage – The Number One Cause Of Divorce
Life Skills:
LS101: Combatting The Impulse To Nag
LS102: Parenting – Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around
LS103: Balancing A Checkbook – Even You Can Get It Right
LS104: Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility
LS105: Shopping – Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours
LS106: How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia
LS107: Living Without Power Windows – How To Turn A Crank
LS108: How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself
LS109: You Too Can Carry A Backpack
LS110: Dress Like A Slut And Put On Something Sexy – Why It Won’t Ruin Your Brain
LS111: Attainable Goal – Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving
LS112: How To Remain Femininely Enticing And Attractive After Menopause
LS113: How To Parallel Park
Sex Education:
SE101: Reasons To Give Head To Your Man
SE102: How To Stay Awake During Sex And Imagine That It Lasted For Over 10 Minutes
SE103: Fall Semester: You Can Use A Bed For More Than Just Sleep Spring Semester: It’s Okay To Do It Outside Of The Bedroom
SE104: How To Say “Yes” More Often
SE105: How To Say “No” But Really Mean “Yes”
SE106: Lingerie – The Gift That Keeps On Giving
SE107: Sexual Alternatives For “That Time Of The Month” (formerly called “Any Old Port In A Storm”)
SE108: Foreplay (not a required course, for extra credit only)
1. El Hombre Mamita deber�
1. El Hombre Mamita deber� someterse a los caprichos de la Gobernadora de turno.
2. El Hombre Mamita debe ser orgullo de su Gobernadora ante sus amigas.
3. Para su participaci�n en cualquier acto, sea este p�blico o privado, el Hombre Mamita
deber� contar con la previa y expresa autorizaci�n de su Gobernadora.
4. La Declaraci�n Universal de los Derechos Humanos no se hizo para el Hombre Mamita.
5. El Hombre Mamita no tiene opini�n propia. Ante cualquier eventualidad debe consultar
a su Gobernadora.
6. El Hombre Mamita s�lo tocar� el control remoto de la tv para pasarlo a su Gobernadora.
7. Cualquier malestar, f�sico o mental, de la Gobernadora es culpa del Hombre Mamita.
8. El Hombre Mamita no apetecer� la Gobernadora ajena.
9. El Hombre Mamita nunca se burlar� de otros Hombres Mamita en p�blico.
10. El Hombre Mamita siempre estar� orgulloso de ser Hombre Mamita.
They are having a lot of trouble dealing with the
Q: Why does the Clinton administration want to reinvent government?
A: They are having a lot of trouble dealing with the existing
form…democracy.
Getting a Gal…
A lawyer from New York was transferred to a small frontier town during the settlement of the West. After several weeks there he noticed that the town was populated solely by men.
He asked one of the local cowboys, “What do you do when you get the urge for a woman?”
The cowboy replied, “See them thar’sheep up on thet hill. We just go git us one.”
“That is disgusting and barbaric!!” replied the lawyer.
After about 3 months the lawyer could not stand it any longer. He decided though, if he was going to do a sheep, he would show these yokels how to do it right. He picked out the prettiest sheep of the bunch, bathed her, put a pink ribbon on her, served her hay on a
china plate, dressed her in fine lingerie,and then took the sheep to bed.
After he finished he decided to take his new found lover out for a drink. He wandered into the local saloon with the sheep under his arm.
The piano fell silent, people dropped drinks, and all the cowboys turned, and stared in shocked disbelief.
The lawyer said, “You bunch of hypocrites. You look at me as if I’m some sort of freak for doing what you’ve been doing all along. I’m just doing it with more class.”
“That ain’t the problem,” replied one cowboy. “That’s the sheriff’s gal you’re with.”
The distress call
Two guys were out hunting and they got lost.
The first guy says to the second guy, “What do you think we should do?”
The second guy says, “Let’s fire three shots into the air. It’s the international distress code.”
They fire three shots into the air, wait an hour, and nobody comes. The first guy says to the second guy, “What do you think we should do now?”
The second guy says, “Let’s fire three more shots into the air.”
They fire three more shots into the air, wait an hour, and nobody comes. The first guy says, “What do you think we should do now?”
The second guy says, “Let’s fire three more shots into the air.”
The first guy says, “Well I sure hope someone comes soon, these are my last three arrows!”.