Author: admin

Stewardess Comments

Posted on by admin

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the “in-flight safety lecture” a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

  • “As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position.”
  • “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane…”
  • “Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.”
  • “We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane.
  • Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately.
  • Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it’s warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it’s dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y’all wanna go there I really don’t know.”
  • Pilot – “Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land… it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”
  • And, after landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
  • As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head steward announced on the intercom, “This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.
  • As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella…WHOA..!
  • “Here are a few heard from Northwest: “Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children.
  • As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.
  • “And from the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry… Unfortunately none of them are on this flight.”

Gorilla in a Tree

Posted on by admin

A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun.

“Now listen carefully,” he told the homeowner, “I’m going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctivly crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap the handcuffs on”

“Ok, got it.” the homeowner replied. “But whats that shotgun for?”

“If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla,” the man said, “shoot the Chihuahua.”

En cierta ocasi�n, una familia

Posted on by admin

En cierta ocasi�n, una familia inglesa que veraneaba por Escocia en uno de su muchos paseos, observ� una preciosa casita de campo que de inmediato les pareci� adecuada para ocuparla en su pr�ximo veraneo. Indagaron qui�n era el due�o y �ste result� ser un pastor de la iglesia anglicana, al que se dirigieron para pedirle les mostrara la peque�a finca. El propietario amablemente se las mostr� y, tanto por la comodidad del lugar como por su ubicaci�n, fue del agrado de la familia quedando comprometidos a alquilarla para sus pr�ximas vacaciones.

Ya de regreso en Inglaterra, platicando sobre la casa de campo escocesa, la esposa record� que no hab�a visto el W.C., y dado lo practico que son los ingleses, la mujer decidi� escribirle al propietario para preguntarle por el mismo en los siguientes t�rminos:

“Estimado pastor:

Hace unos d�as visitamos su finca con deseos de alquilarla para nuestras vacaciones y, como omitimos enterarnos de un detalle, quiero suplicarle que nos indique d�nde se encuentra el W.C.”

Finaliz� la carta con lo acostumbrado y decidi� enviarla d�nde el pastor. Al recibirla �ste, quien ignoraba que la abreviatura W.C. se refer�a al ba�o, creyendo que se trataba de una capilla anglicana llamada West Chapel, respondi� la carta de esta forma:

“Estimada se�ora:

Tengo el gusto de informarle que el lugar al que se refiere se encuentra a s�lo 12 Km de distancia de las casas. Es un rodeo molesto, sobre todo si se tiene la costumbre de ir con frecuencia, sin embargo, algunas personas llevan comida y permanecen en este sitio todo el d�a, por lo que se recomienda llegar temprano. Algunas personas llegan all� caminando, otras en cami�n o en tranv�a, no obstante, todas llegan en el momento justo. Hay cupo para 400 personas sentadas y 100 de pie. Los asientos est�n forrados de terciopelo marr�n y hay aire acondicionado para evitar bochornos y aglomeraciones. Se sugiere ir temprano para alcanzar lugar. Por cierto, por no hacerlo as� hace diez a�os, mi esposa tuvo que soportar todo el acto de pie y desde entonces no ha vuelto a utilizar tal servicio. Los ni�os se sientan juntos y cantan a coro. A la entrada se les da a todos y cada uno un papel y las personas que no alcanzan la repartici�n pueden usar el papel del compa�ero de asiento, sin embargo, al salir, deben regresar dicho papel para seguir haciendo uso de �l durante todo el mes. Todo lo depositado ah� es para dar de comer a los hu�rfanos del hospicio. Tambi�n hay fot�grafos profesionales que los retratar�n en diversas posturas que ser�n publicadas en los diarios de esta ciudad en la secci�n de sociales, lo que les dar� la oportunidad de conocer a tantas personalidades en estos actos; tambi�n hay magn�ficos micr�fonos para no perder detalle del sonido.

Atentamente, el Pastor”.

Los ingleses, al leer la respuesta del ministro, estuvieron a punto de desmayarse y, a pesar de la flema brit�nica, renunciaron a pasar sus vacaciones en tal lugar.

SADDAM HUSSEIN MEETS GEORGE BUSH

Posted on by admin

Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of
talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on
the side of Saddam’s chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam
presses the First button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and
punches Bush in the face.
Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later
the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in
the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to
put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third
button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates,
he’s finally had enough, knowing that he can’t do much without them functioning
well. “I’m going back home!” he tells the Iraqi. “We’ll finish these talks in
two weeks!”
A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the
two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bush’s chair and prepares
himself for the Yank’s revenge. They begin talking and Bush presses the first
button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers. A few seconds later
he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush
roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again,
and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
“Forget this,” says Saddam. “I’m going back to Baghdad!”
Dubya says through tears of laughter, “What Baghdad?”

Guide to talking to a cop!

Posted on by admin

Don’t you hate it! When the cop pulls you over, I mean. Well,
here are some answers to those questions that you could use.
Some of them use only if you want more than just a ticket!!!!

Question 1
Do you know why I pulled you over?
a) Yes or no (obvious answers)
b) Was it because of the cocaine on my dash or the beer in my
hand?
c) Because you were cranky you missed that last doughnut shop?
d) Depends on how long you were following me. (Liar Liar)
e) Because it’s asshole day?

Question 2
Do you know how fast you were going?
a) Yes or no
b) Not fast enough to outrun you!
c) No! My speedometer doesn’t go past 140.
d) You pulled me over, so YOU tell ME!
e) What is this, a test?

Question 3
Have you had anything to drink?
a) Yes or no
b) No. Got anything?
c) No Mr. Beer, I don’t have any officers tonight!
d) Not since my last drink!
e) Does the one in my hand count?

Question 4
Can I have your license and registration?
a) Make up your bloody minds!!! First you took my license away
yesterday and now you want me to show you?!?!
b) I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours!!

The Stupid Man’s Wish!

Posted on by admin

There was once a man who had created a machine that could
produce anything in the world. As he had just finished it, he
started to test it out for the first time.
He grabbed a little microphone, and then spoke into it “Whisky”
and out of the machine came a puddle of yellowish liquid. He
sniffed at the puddle, then realised his mistake.
He held the microphone up to his mouth and spoke again “Bottle
of whisky”. This time a bottle of whisky slid out of the machine.
The man clapped his head in delight. He rubbed his hand, and
then, with a greedy smirk, he said “Girl”. There was a puff of
smoke, and there before him, stood a naked girl.
He stared at her body, she had a flat chest, a freckled face,
and she was obvioulsy no more than eight yr old. He gasped, and
then he cursed the word “Hell”. A puff of smoke, and then the
house burst up in a flame.

The distress call

Posted on by admin

Two guys were out hunting and they got lost.

The first guy says to the second guy, “What do you think we should do?”

The second guy says, “Let’s fire three shots into the air. It’s the international distress code.”

They fire three shots into the air, wait an hour, and nobody comes. The first guy says to the second guy, “What do you think we should do now?”

The second guy says, “Let’s fire three more shots into the air.”

They fire three more shots into the air, wait an hour, and nobody comes. The first guy says, “What do you think we should do now?”

The second guy says, “Let’s fire three more shots into the air.”

The first guy says, “Well I sure hope someone comes soon, these are my last three arrows!”.

University Courses For Women

Posted on by admin

Etiquette and Behavior:
EB101: PMS (Preposterous Mood Swings) -Learning To Sleep Over At Mother’s
EB102: We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas
(Just Wear The Sexy Lingerie I Gave You)
EB103: How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right
EB104: Why It Is Unacceptable To Talk About Feminine Hygiene In Mixed Company
EB105: If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
EB106: How To Act Younger Than Your Mother
EB107: Apologizing For Farting When You’re On The Toilet Is Not Necessary

General Electives:
GE101: You, The Whining Sex
GE102: Why You Don’t Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend
GE103: Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous
GE104: Female Friendship – Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most
GE105: Learning To Appreciate Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men

Home Economics:
HE101: You Can Change The Oil Too
HE102: How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug
HE103: How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football
HE104: How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop
HE105: Get A Life – Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself
HE106: How To Close The Garage Door
HE107: How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste
HE108: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One
HE109: Why Going To The Bathroom Is Not A Group Activity
HE110: Overcoming “The Imelda Syndrome” (formerly called “How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?”)

Interpersonal Relationships:
IR101: Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness
IR102: If You Don’t Want An Excuse, Don’t Demand An Explanation
IR103: Romanticism – The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation
IR104: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching “The Three Stooges”
IR105: Marriage – The Number One Cause Of Divorce

Life Skills:
LS101: Combatting The Impulse To Nag
LS102: Parenting – Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around
LS103: Balancing A Checkbook – Even You Can Get It Right
LS104: Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility
LS105: Shopping – Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours
LS106: How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia
LS107: Living Without Power Windows – How To Turn A Crank
LS108: How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself
LS109: You Too Can Carry A Backpack
LS110: Dress Like A Slut And Put On Something Sexy – Why It Won’t Ruin Your Brain
LS111: Attainable Goal – Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving
LS112: How To Remain Femininely Enticing And Attractive After Menopause
LS113: How To Parallel Park

Sex Education:
SE101: Reasons To Give Head To Your Man
SE102: How To Stay Awake During Sex And Imagine That It Lasted For Over 10 Minutes
SE103: Fall Semester: You Can Use A Bed For More Than Just Sleep Spring Semester: It’s Okay To Do It Outside Of The Bedroom
SE104: How To Say “Yes” More Often
SE105: How To Say “No” But Really Mean “Yes”
SE106: Lingerie – The Gift That Keeps On Giving
SE107: Sexual Alternatives For “That Time Of The Month” (formerly called “Any Old Port In A Storm”)
SE108: Foreplay (not a required course, for extra credit only)

The New Flight Atten

Posted on by admin

A pilot got on the loudspeaker shortly after takeoff and said to the passengers, “Folks, welcome aboard flight seven eighty-nine to Cleveland. We’ll be flying at thirty-five-thousand feet, and expect to land in an hour and a half. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight.” Forgetting to turn off the microphone, he turned to his co-pilot, yawned, and said, “Why don’t you take over for a while? I’m going to take me a big healthy shit, and then I’m gonna shag the brains outta that new blonde flight attendant.”His announcement went over the whole plane. The pretty blonde flight attendant heard this and exclaimed, “Oh my God!” and started running towards the cockpit.An old lady sitting in an aisle seat stopped her and said, “Relax honey, he’s gotta take a shit first.”