How Government Works

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said, “Someone may steal from it at night.” So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?” So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?” So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?” So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?” So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, “We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost.” So they laid off the night watchman.

Switching Heads

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband’s funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.He asks, “Wouldn’t it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he’s wearing?”But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.When she comes back for the funeral, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the funeral director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.He says, “Actually, it didn’t cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So… I switched the heads”

Ticket to Titsburg

A guy goes to buy a train ticket, and the girl selling tickets has an incredible set of jugs.

He says, “Give me two pickets to Titsburgh…umm…I mean, two tickets to Pittsburgh”. He’s really embarrassed…

The guy in line behind him says, “Relax, pal. We all make Freudian slips like that.

Just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to say to my wife, `Please pass the sugar’, but I accidentally said…
`You fucking bitch, you wrecked my life!”

God’s Gift to Women

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.
He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. “It’s a very handy thing,” God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. “I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability.”

Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, “Oh, give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I’d be so great! When I’m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I’d be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please….” On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).

Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn’t mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee. And so it was. And it was… well, good.

“Fine,” God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. “What’s left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms…”

A rose by any other

A rose by any other name would stick you just as bad and draw just as much blood when you grab a thorn.I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead?”What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

Musician joke

Arriving in HeavenThree men die and go to heaven and queue to meet St. Peter.St. Peter: Hi, what’s your name?Paul: My name is Paul.St. Peter: Hi, Paul. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?Paul: 120K.St. Peter: Wow! Tell me, Paul, what were you doing to earn that kind of money?Paul: I was a lawyer.St. Peter: That’s great. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the second man. Hi, what’s your name?Roger: My name is Roger.St. Peter: Hi, Roger. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?Roger: 60K.St. Peter: Hey, that’s great! Tell me, Roger:, what did you do for a living?Roger: I was an accountant.St. Peter: That’s very good. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the second man. Hi, what’s your name?John: My name is John.St. Peter: Hi, John. Tell me, John, how much were you earning when you died?John: About $23,000.St. Peter: Hey, that’s fantastic, John! Tell me, what instrument did you play?

The Bible in 50 words

For those who want a good founding in Bible studies but don’t want to take the time to read the {rhymes with jammed} thing — here’s the Bible in 50 wordsGod madeAdam bitNoah arkedAbraham splitJoseph ruledJacob fooledBush talkedMoses balkedPharaoh plaguedPeople walkedSea dividedTablets guidedPromise landedSaul freakedDavid peekedProphets warnedJesus bornGod walkedLove talkedAnger crucifiedHope diedLove roseSpirit flamedWord spreadGod remained.