Kay Martin, a secretary to a New Zealand MP, got the fright of her life a few weeks ago. According to the Auckland Sunday Star, she and a friend were chatting over a drink when they heard a chicken squawking. The bird sounded in some distress, so they went outside to investigate, thinking perhaps that it had escaped from one of the neighbors. But, there were no chickens anywhere. Then Martin realized with horror that the sound was coming from her own kitchen – coming, in fact, from the oven, where she had put a chicken in to roast half an hour earlier. ”It was as if it was shrieking at me from its grave,” she says. ”It was so bizarre I just froze.” As they approached the oven, the squawking reached a crescendo. They took the tray out, and as the chicken began to cool, the squawking died away. Martin chopped the neck off and threw it in the sink. She noticed that the vocal chords were intact. ”Steam was coming up the neck from the stuffing,” says Martin, and this had caused the dead bird to squawk. She has not cooked chicken since.
Author: admin
Great Scam
A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check. After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers’ money in the form of a company check. However, due to the name of the company, few people will present these checks to their banks.
The name of the company: “The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company.”
Location
“Places I’d Rather Not Live In…”
Paradox, New York
Crapo, Maryland
Boogertown, North Carolina
Spasticville, Kansas
Hellhole, Idaho
Purgatory, Maine
What would Freud say about…
Climax, Michigan
Spread Eagle, Wisconsin
Needmore, Arkansas (Clinton’s Home Town?)
Hardup, Utah
Big Bogue Homo, Mississippi
Intercourse, Pennsylvania
Hornytown, North Carolina
Conception Junction, Missouri
It doesn’t surprise me that there is a…
Rudeville, New Jersey
Boring, Oregon
Hell, Michigan
Hooker, California
Virgin, Utah
Dulls Corner, Maryland
Bowlegs, Oklahoma
Volcano, Hawaii
Beersville, Pennsylvania
Fleatown, Ohio
Burnt Corn, Alabama
Two Guns, Arizona
Toad Suck, Arkansas
Little Boy Blue
Nock nock.
Whos there?
Little boy blue.
Little boy blue who?
Michel Jackson.
Yo mama’s So Fat
Yo’ mama so fat, the photographer charged her for a family photo!
Nymphomaniac
Jon was looking for a little “action”. He picked up a sweet young thang at the bar and took her back to his hotel room. Little did he know she was damn near a nymphomaniac.
After six times she was screaming for more. After the ‘eighth’ time Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.
On the way out he stopped in the men’s room. He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped, and felt a moment of panic that he couldn’t find “it.”
After a couple of minutes “fishing around” he finally said, “Look, it’s ok. She’s not here!”
You’re a redneck … you bring your dog
You’re a redneck if…. You bring your dog to work with you.
Corpsalicious!
One day a medical professor and his class were standing over a corpse and the professor said, ”There are two things to being a medical forensicist. First: Don’t fear anything.” After saying that, the professor shoved his middle finger up the corpse’s anus and licked it. He then told the class to do the same. After hesitating, they all did it. ”Next,” the professor said, ”you have to have a key observation finger. Thus, I licked my index finger.”
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets
1. The cats live here. You don’t.
2. If you don’t want cat hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture
3. I like my cats a lot better than I like most people
4. To you, they’re cats. To me, they’re an adopted son or daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly
5. Cats are better than kids. They eat less, don’ t ask for money all the time, are easier to train, sometimes come when called, never drive your car, don’t hang out with drug-using friends, don’t smoke or drink, don’t worry about buying the latest fashions, don’t wear your clothes, don’t need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the kittens.
6. They ignore you until you are asleep.
Bruised bellybutton
Q: Why did the blonde have a bruise around her belly button?
A: Turns out guy blondes are just as stupid.
Maths
what did the maths teacher do when he got constapation ?
worked it out with a pencil
How Government Works
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said, “Someone may steal from it at night.” So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?” So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?” So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?” So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.
Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?” So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, “We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost.” So they laid off the night watchman.