Yours Fun Portal !
Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very
hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a
huge fire under it, and leave them there. A few minutes later,
one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably. The
other missionary can’t believe it! He says, “What’s wrong with
you? We’re being boiled alive! They’re gonna eat us! What could
possibly be funny at a time like this?”
The other missionary says, “I just peed in the soup.”
You’re a redneck if…. You bring your dog to work with you.
-What did the hurricane say to the coconut?
-Hold on to your nuts, it’s going to be a hell of a blow job!
There was this zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on a bit so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm. The zebra was so excited, she got to see this huge space with green grass and hill and trees and all these strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, “Hi, I’m a zebra! What are you?” “I’m a cow.” “Right, right. What do you do?” “I make milk for the farmer.” “Cool.” The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it.”Hi, I’m a zebra. What are you?” “I’m a chicken.” “Oh, right. What do you do?” “I make eggs for the farmer.” “Right, great, see ya round.” Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost like her, but without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, “Hi, I’m a zebra. What are you?” “I am a Stallion,” said the stallion.”Wow,” said the zebra.”What do you do?” “Take off your pyjamas, darling, and I’ll show you.”
Two molecules are walking down the street and they run in to each other.
One says to the other, “Are you all right?”
“No, I lost an electron!”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m positive!”
Bill Clinton and Al Gore go into a local diner for lunch. As they read the
menu the waitress comes over and asks Clinton, “Are you ready to order?”
Clinton replies, “Yes, I’d like a quickie.”
“A quickie?!?” the waitress replies. “Sir, given the current situation of
your personal life I don’t think that is a good idea. I’ll come back when
you are ready to order from the menu.”
She walks away.
Gore leans over to Clinton and says, “It’s pronounced quiche.”
Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.
(From a machine at a college dorm:)
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So leave a message.
Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.
(Narrator’s voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
“Hi. Now you say something.”
“Hi, I’m not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.” beep “Hello. I am David’s answering machine. What are you?”
(From my Japanese friend in Toronto)
He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!
“Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.”
“Hello, this is Sally’s microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I’m stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.’
“Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.”
“This is not an answering machine, this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call.”
“Hi. I am probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like.
Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.”
“Hi, this is George. I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now.
Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.”
“If you are a burglar, then we’re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t home and it’s safe to leave us a message.”
“You’re growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.”
“You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of *your*voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes.
There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.”
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
Nock nock.
Whos there?
Little boy blue.
Little boy blue who?
Michel Jackson.
There was a postman who used to deliver mail to a house were a little girl every day shouted out “Hi Bill!” and waved to him. Though his name wasn’t Bill he always waved anyway. A couple of weeks later he ran into the girl’s mother and he asked her why every time her little girl saw him she shouted out “Hi Bill!”Her mother started blushing and said ” because whenever I see you coming I say here comes the bills!”
what did the maths teacher do when he got constapation ?
worked it out with a pencil
A shy man enters the Pharmacy to buy some condoms!
“What size would you like sir?” said the young buxom female pharmacist?
Red faced the man replied, �Well miss I am not sure,�
�Well in that case sir; go to the back of the Pharmacy, enter the shed outside! There you will find three holes in the back wall; try them out to establish the size you require�
After he had entered the shed, she rushes behind it, slipped her panties down, and backed on to the holes!
After a few minute establishing, the right hole to insert his penus into, she quickly backed on to it to respond to the ejaculation.
He began to enjoy poking the hole very much, and after some considerable time he finished the test and pulled out of the hole he was enjoying!
Where the female pharmacist quickly pulled her panties up and ran back into the Pharmacy to re-serve him!
He came back into the Chemist with a wide grin from ear to ear on his face.
�Well� said the young female pharmacist also with a large red broad grin on her face
�What size did you find the most comfortable sir?�
To which the man replied!
�Fuck the size I�ll buy the shed�
Llegan un elefante y una hormiga al Registro Civil. Titubeando, el paquidermo se dirige al juez:
“Se�or, juez… Este… Es que nos queremos casar”.
La hormiga lo interrumpe y, recrimin�ndole entre dientes, le reclama:
“�Nos queremos? �Nos teneemooos que casar!”