Hey! Benny did you know it was raining so hard yesterday I stepped in a puddle!!!
Author: admin
Men And Ceramic Tiles
What do ceramic tile and men have in common?
If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life!
Leaving
After an argument with his wife, a man stalked out of the house. He returned a few hours later to find his wife packing a suitcase. He angrily asked her where she was going.
“I’m moving to Las Vegas. I can make $400-500 there doing what I give you for free.”
The man thought about this for a moment, then pulled out his own suitcase and began packing. His wife asked where HE was going.
“I’m going to Las Vegas, too. I want to see how you manage to live on $800 a year!”
THE ass
There was a lady who liked my ass
Signs Your Accountant is Nuts
�In several places on your tax forms, he’s written, “Give or take a million
dollars.”
�Tells you to put all your money into British cattle futures.
�You notice that his “calculator” is just a broken VCR remote.
�Insists that there’s no such number as four.
�He laughed at the Bob Dole background check.
�Counts family of squirrels living in your yard as dependents.
�Advises you to save postage by filing your taxes telepathically.
�Instead of C.P.A. license, he’s got a framed photo of a shirtless Alex
Trebek.
�Demands that you call him the “Una-Countant.”
�He’s got a 1040 Form tattooed on his arm.
Bernadette burn’-a-det:
Bernadette burn’-a-det: The act of torching a mortgage.Burglarize bur’-gler-ize: What a crook sees with.Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Bowiling ball
What’s the diference in a bowling ball & a prostitute?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
Knock KnockWho’s there?Denise!Denise who?Denise are
Knock KnockWho’s there?Denise!Denise who?Denise are above your ankles!
Sex survey
The research worker, conducting a sex survey, phoned one of the husbands whose completed form was spread out before him.
“Mr. Pullman, there seems to be some discrepancies between the answers of you and your wife to the same question.
For example, under ‘Frequency of Intercourse’ you wrote ‘Three times a week’ and your wife ‘Three times a night’.”
“Well, that’s right,” replied the husband, “but that’s only until we have paid off the mortgage on the house.
Estaban en un r�o varios
Estaban en un r�o varios pescadores y no pod�an sacar nada de pescados y ve�an que una viejita siempre iba y sacaba muchas cubetas llenas de pescados, y entonces le fueron a preguntar c�mo hac�a para sacar tantos pescados.
Y la viejita les contesta:
“Pues miren, en la ma�ana en cuanto me despierto levanto la colcha y veo hacia qu� lado tiene el pene mi viejito, y si lo tiene a la derecha pues tiro el anzuelo hacia la derecha, si lo tiene hacia la izquierda pues tiro el anzuelo hacia la izquierda, y eso es todo.”
Y un pescador muy pregunt�n le dice:
“Se�ora y �si lo tiene parado?
“No mijito, ese d�a ni loca salgo a pescar.”
Crisis at the Zoo
Several months ago, there was a major crisis at the New York Zoo. The male gorilla died and the female missed her mate so much, she stopped eating. This persisted for several days and the keepers became very concerned. So, the made inquiries to other zoos to see if they could get a “loaner” male to console the female.
They had no success in finding a loaner. As a consequence they wound up recruiting a hairy chested Italian construction worker. At first he did not want to do it, but they pointed out what a valuable and important service he would be rendering.
Finally, he said, “All right, I will do it on 3 conditions:
1. I don’t have to kiss her.
2. Nobody gets to watch.
3. The kids will all be raised Catholic.
60 Things
60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy
1. I’ve smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it’s cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don’t we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It’s more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there’s a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4” bigger.
13. It’s ok, we’ll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there’s an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn’t know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won’t take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don’t we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn’t know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it’s hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I’ll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It’s a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where’s the rest of it?