�In several places on your tax forms, he’s written, “Give or take a million
dollars.”
�Tells you to put all your money into British cattle futures.
�You notice that his “calculator” is just a broken VCR remote.
�Insists that there’s no such number as four.
�He laughed at the Bob Dole background check.
�Counts family of squirrels living in your yard as dependents.
�Advises you to save postage by filing your taxes telepathically.
�Instead of C.P.A. license, he’s got a framed photo of a shirtless Alex
Trebek.
�Demands that you call him the “Una-Countant.”
�He’s got a 1040 Form tattooed on his arm.
Author: admin
THE ass
There was a lady who liked my ass
The Brass Rat
A man walked into a curio store and was looking around. After awhile, he chose
a brass rat and brought it up to the counter.
The proprietor said, that will be $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the
story behind it.
The man said, ‘Thanks, but I’ll just pay the $10 and pass on the story.’
He purchased the brass rat and left the store.
As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats
following him. The further he walked — the more rats followed. He walked down
to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him. So, he decided to
walk out into the water, which he did — and all the rats drowned.
He returned to the store where he purchased the brass rat, and when he walked
in, the proprietor said, ‘Ah ha! You came back to pay the $1,000 for the story,
right?’
‘Nope,’ replied the man, ‘Just came back to see if you have any brass
lawyers!’
Blondes son
A Blonde goes and buys a new house and names it Hairy Butt.Of course she had a son named Crack.Well one day the blonde couldn`t find her son so she called the police and said I looked all over my Hairy Butt and couldn`t find my Crack.
BLESSINGS
Charlie was a regular visitor at the racetrack. One afternoon he noticed an
unusual sight. Right before the first race, a Catholic priest visited one of the
horses in the stable area and gave it a blessing. Charlie watched the horse race
very carefully, and sure enough the blessed horse came in first!
Charlie followed the priest before the next race, and again the priest went to
the stables and performed a similar procedure.
Charlie played a hunch and put a couple of dollars on the blessed horse. Sure
enough, the blessed horse came in by two lengths and Charlie won close to fifty
bucks! The priest continued the same procedure through the next few races and
Charlie won each time. He was now ahead $1000 so between races Charlie left the
track and went to the bank and withdraws his life’s savings, $20,000.
The biggest race of the day was the last one. Charlie followed the priest and
watched carefully which horse he blessed. He then went to the betting window and
put his whole $21000 bundle of cash on that horse to win. Then Charlie went out
to watch the horses’ race. Down the stretch they came and as they crossed the
finish line, the horse Charlie’s fortune was bet on fell over and died on the
race track.
Charlie was crushed. He located the priest and told him that he had been
watching him bless the horses all day and they all became winners except the
last horse on which he had bet his life savings.
Charlie then asked, “What happened to the last horse which you blessed? Why
didn’t it win like the others?”
“That’s the trouble with you Protestants,” sighed the priest, “you never can
tell the difference between a blessing and the Last Rites.”
The Blonde Potatoe
A blonde, a brunette, and a red-head where driving down the road, when a cop starts to chase them.
They rush off and crash into the side of a barn, they immediately jump out of the car and hide under potatoe sacks.
The cop runs in after them, and the first potatoe sack he comes to the brunette is under. He kicks it and the brunette says, “MEEEEOOOOOOW”, and the cop says, “Oh! It’s just a stupid cat.”
He then moves to the potatoe sack the red-head is under and kicks it. The red-head replies, “ROOF, ROOF”, the cop, angry now, says, “STUPID DOG!!”
Then the cop gets to the potatoe sack the blonde is under, he kicks it with great force and the blonde creams, “POOOOOOTAAAAAAATOOOOOOOE!”
Sex survey
The research worker, conducting a sex survey, phoned one of the husbands whose completed form was spread out before him.
“Mr. Pullman, there seems to be some discrepancies between the answers of you and your wife to the same question.
For example, under ‘Frequency of Intercourse’ you wrote ‘Three times a week’ and your wife ‘Three times a night’.”
“Well, that’s right,” replied the husband, “but that’s only until we have paid off the mortgage on the house.
It is hard to understand
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised
its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
Were is the p?
“now class say your abcs okay?”said mrs.jewls
little jimmy raises his hand
“yes jimmy?”asked mrs.jewls
“can i please go to the bathroom?”jimmy answered
” not untill u say your abcs”
“okay” said jimmy standing acwardly
” a-b-c-d-e-f-e-f-g-h-i-j-k-m-n-o…q-r-s-t-u-v-w-x-y-z”jimmy finished as he dartedfor the door
” wait were is the p?”asked mrs.jewls
” running down my pants” jimmy nervously stated as a yellow puddle formed
Bernadette burn’-a-det:
Bernadette burn’-a-det: The act of torching a mortgage.Burglarize bur’-gler-ize: What a crook sees with.Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Q. What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil
Q. What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil
Engineers?
A. Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
Leaving
After an argument with his wife, a man stalked out of the house. He returned a few hours later to find his wife packing a suitcase. He angrily asked her where she was going.
“I’m moving to Las Vegas. I can make $400-500 there doing what I give you for free.”
The man thought about this for a moment, then pulled out his own suitcase and began packing. His wife asked where HE was going.
“I’m going to Las Vegas, too. I want to see how you manage to live on $800 a year!”