Author: admin

Clintonesque NewSpeak

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CLINTONESQUE LANGUAGE MANIPULATIONPresident Clinton has pushed the envelope of the English language to realms hitherto unchartered. Now that we know that a person can enjoy sex while not actually having sex, let’s consider other situations where similar language manipulation can provide an equally convenient defense… * In Chicago, it isn’t voter fraud unless you can prove those dead people would have voted the other way.* It isn’t reckless driving if you get into an actual wreck.* You are not guilty of DUI if you were so drunk that you thought someone else was driving.* It is not speeding if there are still cars in front of you.* You are not abusing drugs if you store them in a cool, dry place and never yell at them or beat them.* It is not premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.* It isn’t procrastination if you decide to postpone it right now.* It isn’t a pre-existing condition unless you had it before you existed.* You’re not fat if clothes are actually made in your size.

Stealing from the office (when your office is a plane)

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Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, they were quite surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. We can pretty much guess that they are no longer employed there.

Courage

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A student at Baylor University named Jesse was taking one of the
hardest psychology teachers on campus. Throughout the semester
he was not doing so well on his exams and papers. It came time
for finals and he studied very hard for that class knowing that
it would be a one question test. During the year they talked
about a number of differnet things like why people act the way
they do and how to change that. What actions are taken in what
situtations and so on. To recieve a good grade on the test the
student had to write everything they knew on the test subject.
The day came for the test and the students, especially Jesse,
were very nervous. The teacher came in and wrote on the board
the question:

What is it to Be Courageous?

All of the students started writing frantically. Jesse sat there
for a while and simply wrote in his blue book:

This is being courageous.

Jesse recieved the only A in the class.

After the birth of their 10th child, an Arkansas…

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After the birth of their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that
enough was enough. The husband went to the doctor and told him that he
and his wife didn’t want any more children, and what could the doctor do
to help?. The doctor smiled, told him to go home, get a cherry bomb, put
it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to ten.

The man relayed this story to his wife, and shaking his head in doubt
said, “I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don’t see how
putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help!”

His wife agreed, and they drove to Missouri together for a second
opinion. Surprisingly enough, when they told the second doctor why they’d
come, he asked them where they were from, and then told them to buy a
cherry bomb, put it in a can, and for the husband to hold it next to his
ear and count to ten.

Deciding that both doctors couldn’t be wrong, the couple went home,
lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. The husband held the can up to
his ear and began to count: “1, 2, 3, 4, 5…”, at which point he
paused, placed the can between his legs and counted on his other hand:
“6, 7, 8…”