Author: admin

Noah’s Ark…If it happened in 2000

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said “In six months I’m going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed.

But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark.” And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark, “Okay,” said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

“Six months and it starts to rain,” thundered the Lord. “You’d better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time.” Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. “Noah!” shouted the Lord, “where is the Ark?”

“Lord, please forgive me!” begged Noah. “I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn’t meet code. I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.”

“Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I had to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn’t let me catch any owls. So, no owls.”

“The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn’t complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.”

“They didn’t take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. So I sent them a globe. Right now, I’m still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croations I’m supposed to hire.”

“The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really don’t think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years,” Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the earth?” Noah asked hopefully.

“No,” said the Lord sadly. “The government already has!”

Un tipo, ansioso por echarse un trago, llega a un bar de un hotel de muchas estrellas; al escoger su mesa, levanta la mano, llama al mesero y ordena:

�Por favor, un whisky doble�.

Al instante, el mesero regresa y le sirve uno sencillo.

�Con tantos clientes se debe haber equivocado�, piensa el se�or, y se lo toma.

En seguida, pide otro whisky doble, y el mesero nuevamente, le sirve uno sencillo.

��Qu� raro, algo debe pasar!�, piensa, pero se bebe la copa, y pide nuevamente:

�Un whisky doble por favor.�

Y de nuevo, el mesero le sirve uno sencillo.

Esto se repite todas las veces que pide un whisky doble, pero el sujeto no dice nada. Cuando le sirven la copa n�mero veinte, el hombre ya est� medio borracho y le reclama al mesero:

��Ptss, ptss! Oiga, �c�mo est� eso: yo le pido un whisky doble y usted me trae uno sencillo?�

�Se�or, lamento decirle que en este bar todo es al rev�s�.

��A poco? ��Ahora me vas a salir con que EL TONTO HIJO DE … SOY YO Y NO VOS?!�

What is a lesbians common operation called?. A Strapadicktome.

A wife comes home and says to her husband, “I am moving to Las Vegas – I hear you can get $400 for sex”. The husband runs to the bedroom, starts packing his bags and says “I’m coming along to see this!”
“Why?” asks the wife, “Why would you come to Las Vegas with me?”

Husband replies, “Because I’ve gotta see you live on $800 a year!”

Three Nuns died and were up at outside the gates of Heaven. St. Peter was
there with them. St. Peter decided he needed to quiz each nun with a
different question to see if they really desereved to go to Heaven.

St. Peter asked the first nun, “Nun, Who was the first man on earth?” She
replied, “That would be Adam.” St. Peter let her through the gates.

St. Peter walked up to the second nun and asked her, “Nun, Who was the
first woman on earth?” She replied, “That would be Eve.” St. Peter let her
through the gates.

St. Peter walked up to the third nun and asked her, “What was the last
thing that Eve told Adam before they left Paradise?”

The nun was puzzled. She thought about it for a long time.
“HHHHMMMM,” she said aloud, “Thats a hard one.”
St. Peter let her through the gates.

An elder Cherokee Native American was teaching his grandchildren about life.

He said to them, “A fight is going on inside me… it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.”

“One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”

“The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.”

“This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too.”

They thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied… “The one you feed.”

Submitted by BreeBrown
Edited by Curtis