a muffin walks up to another muffin and says its realy getting hot in here the other muffin says
ahhhhhhh talking muffin!
Author: admin
Emptying Swimming Pools
Your mama is so fat, when it comes time for people to empty their swimming
pools for winter, she makes money jummping into the pools to empty them.
Wife is Leaving for Vegas
A wife comes home and says to her husband, “I am moving to Las Vegas – I hear you can get $400 for sex”. The husband runs to the bedroom, starts packing his bags and says “I’m coming along to see this!”
“Why?” asks the wife, “Why would you come to Las Vegas with me?”
Husband replies, “Because I’ve gotta see you live on $800 a year!”
The (nose) Pick List
THE KIDDIE PICK…When you’re by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, there’s no time limit!CAMOUFLAGED KIDDIE PICK…When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.FAKE NOSE SCRATCH…When you make believe you’ve got an itch but you’re really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.MAKING A MEAL OUT OF IT…You do it so furiously, and for so long, you’re probably entitled to dessert.SURPRISE PICKINGS…When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurtling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.AUTOPICK…The kind you do in a car, when no one’s looking.PICK YOUR BRAINS…Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.PICK AND SAVE…When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don’t catch on to what you did.PICK AND ROLL…No explanation needed.PICK AND FLICK…Ditto.PICK AND STICK…You wanted it to be a “Pick and Flick,” but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.PAYDIRT…The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.
It all adds up!
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying attention in class. She called on him and said, “Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?”
Little Johnny quickly replied, “NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!”
Statistical assumptions
There were a physicist, a circus strong man, and a statistician marooned on a desert island. A box of canned food washes ashore, and the question is how to open the cans. The physicist suggests dropping them from the trees so that they break open. The strong man says that’s too messy. Instead, he will rip the cans open with his bare hands. The statistician says that’s still too messy, but he knows how to open the cans without making a mess. “First,” he says “assume we have a can opener.”
What Is Matzo
A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park He sat down on a bench and began eating. A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him.Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.The blind man ran his fingers over the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, “Who wrote this?!”
In a Tacoma, Washington men’s clothing store:…
In a Tacoma, Washington men’s clothing store:
“15 men’s wool suits, $10. They won’t last an hour!”
Who gets it?
Q:There was a smart blonde, a dumb blonde, and Big Foot walking along the road,they see a $100 laying on the ground:who gets it and why?
A: the dumb blonde, the other two dont exsist
the hunting trip
there were three men a chinamen a whiteman and a indan they went out hunting the chinaman brang a moose back they sed ware did u get that i followed the tracks and BANG the white man went out hunting he brang back a deer they sed were did u get that i followed the tracks and BANG the indain went hunting and came back with a missing leg and no arms they sed ware did u get that i followed the tracks and BANG BANG i got hit by a train
Noah’s Ark…If it happened in 2000
Noah’s Ark…If it happened in 2000
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said “In six months I’m going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed.
But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark.” And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark, “Okay,” said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
“Six months and it starts to rain,” thundered the Lord. “You’d better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time.” Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. “Noah!” shouted the Lord, “where is the Ark?”
“Lord, please forgive me!” begged Noah. “I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn’t meet code. I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.”
“Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I had to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn’t let me catch any owls. So, no owls.”
“The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn’t complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.”
“They didn’t take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. So I sent them a globe. Right now, I’m still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croations I’m supposed to hire.”
“The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really don’t think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years,” Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the earth?” Noah asked hopefully.
“No,” said the Lord sadly. “The government already has!”
Priest and Christmas
What does a priest and a christmas tree have in common?Their balls are for decoration