Author: admin

The two blonde gurls!!

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Two girls were going out!! The 1st girl said what should wear on my shoes! The 2st girl ashed what should go in my hair!! The first girl said to the second girl ” A pony””!
Then the 2st girl said to the first”” An elephant””! So they went out a bought a Pony and a Elephant! The First girl used the pony on her shoe! The second girl used the Elephant on her hair!! They went to the doctors and asked Why they were have problems with there foot and there head!! The doctor said u both have BRAIN DAMAGE! Then the both girls said”” WHAT””!

“

The Worst Caddy

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A golfer enters a tournament and is assigned a caddie. On the first day, the golfer duffs a couple of key shots and does quite bad. He tries to act undisturbed about it and plays the second day, which is even worse. So he plays the third day and totally messes up every shot and has a terrible game. So on the last day of the tournament, he goes out and tries really hard, but he just did worse and worse, so at the end of the round, swearing violently and very frustrated, he shouts to his caddie, who has been quiet all week-end, and says, “You’ve got to be the worst caddie alive!!”The caddie thinks about this, shrugs, and replies, “Nah, that’d be too much of a coincidence!”

Never lie to a child

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A nude guy was sunbathing at the beach.

A little girl comes up to him, he covers his private parts with a newspaper.

The little girl says, “What’s under there?”

So the man answers, “A bird.”

The girl goes away and the man falls asleep.

When he wakes up, he is in a hospital and in great pain. A doctor comes up to his bed and asks, “What happened?”

The man answers, “I don’t know. I was at the beach and I fell asleep after talking to a little girl.”

So the doctor tells this to the Police, and they go to he beach to find any witnesses.

When they get there, they see the little girl the man was talking about. So they ask her if she did anything to the man.

She answers, “I didn’t do anything to the man, but while he was sleeping, I played with his bird.

After a while, it spat at me, so I broke its neck, burnt its nest, and smashed all its eggs!!”

Submitted by for4
Edited by Calamjo

Titanic Q & A

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Q: Why did Jack die but Rose live ??
A (Official): He loved her so he stayed in the icy water and let her stay
on the floating debris with coat and life jacket on.
A (Unofficial): She has more fat than he does

Q: Why did Rose throw away the ‘Heart Of The Ocean’ at the end??
A (Official): As in all love stories, love is held far above any treasure
on earth. The ‘object’ of love is returned to the ‘love of
her life,’ whose spirit lives on at the bottom of the ocean.
A (Unofficial): She finally realized it’s just plastic.

Q: Why did the censors cut the nude scene ??
A (Official): So that the film will not have an R rating.
A (Unofficial): The sketch was better than the original.

Q: Why didn’t Rose jump when she was teetering on the bow of the ship??
A (Official): Jack persuaded her not to.
A (Unofficial): She was actually afraid that she might smash her pretty
face on the propeller. (Remember her excuse for leaning too
far out that she slipped?)

Ok. This is one question that you will probably have to conjure up your
own answers because I myself can’t figure out the answer as well.
Q: Why didn’t the lights go off on the deck when the engine rooms were
already flooded?
A (Official):
A (Unofficial):

Erase uan vez una huasita

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Erase uan vez una huasita que viene a Santiago a ver a una t�a. Y le da por ir a comprar.

Y cuando iba por ah� vio una falda a $7000 y entr� a verla pero se la subieron a $8000.

Despu�s iba por otro lado y vio unos calzones a $3000 pero adentro se los bajaron a $1500.

Despu�s fue al mercado a comprar tomates pero s�lo hab�a penca, ella no quer�a pero igual la tuvo que comprar.

Lleg� a la casa y la t�a le dijo:

“�C�mo te fue?”

“M�s o menos, solo que me subieron la falda, me bajaron los calzones y me metiron la penca.”

12 Days of Christmas

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December 14, 1972

My dearest darling John:

Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real
Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure.
Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.

My love always,
Agnes

========================================================
December 15, 1972

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two
turtle doves. I’m just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.
They are just adorable.

All my love,
Agnes

=========================================================
December 16, 1972

Dear John:

Oh! Aren’t you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don’t
deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just
darling but I must insist, you’ve been too kind.

All my love,
Agnes

=========================================================
December 17, 1972

Dear John:

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they
are beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough. You are
being too romantic.

Affectionately,
Agnes

==========================================================
December 18, 1972

Dearest John:

What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings,
one for every finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my
nerves.

All my love,
Agnes

========================================================
December 19, 1972

Dear John:

When I opened the door today there were actually six geese
laying on my front steps. So you’re back to the birds again huh?
These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors
are complaining and I can’t sleep through the racket. Please
stop.

Cordially,
Agnes

========================================================
December 20, 1972

John:

What’s with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a
swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There’s bird poop all
over the house and they never stop the racket. I can’t sleep at
night and I’m a nervous wreck. It’s not funny. So stop those
freaking birds.

Sincerely,
Agnes

=========================================================
December 21, 1972

O.K. Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with
8 maids a milking? It’s not enough with all those birds and 8
maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is
manure all over the lawn and I can’t move in my own house. Just
lay off me, smartass.

Agnes

=========================================================
December 22, 1972

Hey Shithead:

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there’s nine pipers
playing. And Christ do they play. They’ve never stopped chasing
those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are
getting upset and they’re stepping all over those screeching
birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a
petition to evict me.

You’ll get yours !
Agnes

==========================================================
December 23, 1972

You rotten prick:

Now there’s ten ladies dancing. I don’t know why I call those
sluts ladies. They’ve been balling those pipers all night long.

Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve got diarrhea. My living
room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has
subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn’t be
condemned.

I’m calling the police on you !
Agnes

=========================================================
December 24, 1972

Listen Fuckhead:

What’s with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and
ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers
ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the
cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They’ve been
trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you’re satisfied, you
rotten vicious swine.

Your sworn enemy,
Agnes

=========================================================
December 25, 1972

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers
fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss
Agnes McHolstein.

The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should
come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss
McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been
instructed to shoot you on sight.

With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,
Law Offices of Badger Bender & Chole

Hiking through the jungle

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Dan Rather, Jesse Jackson, Cokie Roberts, and a Marine were hiking through the
jungle …
… one day when they were captured by cannibals. They were tied up, led to
the village and brought before the chief.
The chief said, “I am familiar with your western custom of granting the
condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last
requests?”
Dan Rather said, “Well, I’m a Texan; so I’d like one last bowlful of
hot, spicy chili.”
The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Rather
ate it all and said, “Now I can die content.”
Jesse Jackson said, “You know, the thing in this life I am proudest of is my
work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing “We
Shall Overcome” one last time.”
The chief said, “Go right ahead, we’re listening.”
Jackson sang the song, and then said, “Now I can die in peace.”
Cokie Roberts said, “I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape
recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday
someon will hear it and know that I was on the job ’til the end.”
The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts
dictated some comments. She then said, “Now I can die happy.”
The chief turned and said, “And now, Mr. Marine, what is your final wish?”
“Kick me in the ass,” said the Marine.
“What?” said the chief. “Will you mock us in your last hour?”
“No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,” insisted the Marine.
So the chief shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.
The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from
his waistband, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to
his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the cannibals with gunfire.
In a flash, the cannibals were dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the Marine was untying the others, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just
shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?”
“What!?” said the Marine, “And have you liberals call ME the aggressor?!?”