A mother and her son were flying ‘Southwest Airlines’ from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, ‘If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?’The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, ‘If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?’The stewardess asked, ‘Did your mother tell you to ask me?’ He said that his mother had. So the stewardess said, ‘Tell your mother that its because Southwest always pulls out on time.’
Author: admin
The two blonde gurls!!
Two girls were going out!! The 1st girl said what should wear on my shoes! The 2st girl ashed what should go in my hair!! The first girl said to the second girl ” A pony””!
Then the 2st girl said to the first”” An elephant””! So they went out a bought a Pony and a Elephant! The First girl used the pony on her shoe! The second girl used the Elephant on her hair!! They went to the doctors and asked Why they were have problems with there foot and there head!! The doctor said u both have BRAIN DAMAGE! Then the both girls said”” WHAT””!
“
Fishin’ Poor?
It was well known that a certain lake was very poor for fishing up north, but a game warden happened to notice that one guy kept coming home with his limit of fish on several occations. He asked the guy: “How is it that you are catching fish out of that lake when no one else can?” The guy replied: “Well I am going back up there tommorow, why don’t you come along?” And, so the warden did. They were in the boat when the fisherman reached over and lit a stick of dynamite and then tossed it overboard. BOOM!!! There were fish floating to the surface all over! The game warden freaked out, and said: “You can’t do that! That’s illeagal!” The fisherman reached over and lit another stick and said: “Are you going to fish, or talk?”
Upholster
What would you call a drunk who works at an upholstery shop?
A recovering alcoholic.
Submitted by clamjo
Edited by curtis
Selling the Green Suit…
A man who isn’t qualified keeps pestering this tailor about giving him a job
selling suits. Finally, the owner tells him if he can sell this one green suit
he will give him a job.
Another employee points out to owner that they have had that suit on the rack
for four years, and that it is such an ugly, green suit that nobody would ever
buy it.
The owner replies, “Yah, I know. That’s my way of getting rid of that pest!”
Two hours later the new guy calls his boss for his next assignment.
The owner cannot believe it and heads down to the store to see how this fellow
did it. Upon arrival he sees his new salesman bleeding, scratched, and his
clothes torn in several places, but smiling.
“Congratulations, the job is yours! Nobody has come close to selling that old,
ugly, green suit.
But tell me, what in the world happened to you?”
“Well, replied the salesman, the guy that bought the suit loved it… said it
fit him great.
As far as my injuries go, he had this really sensitive seeing-eye dog!”
Yo mama
for halloween yo mamas trick was the treat
Children’s Prayers
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter the Lord’s Prayer. For several
evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully
enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: “Lead us not into
temptation,” she prayed, “but deliver us some E-mail. Amen.”
And one particular four-year old prayed, “And forgive us our trash baskets as
we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”
A little boy was overheard praying: “Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy,
don’t worry about it. I’m having a real good time like I am.”
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to
church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” One bright
little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel microphone, & as he preached, he
moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he
moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord & nearly tripping before jerking
it again. After several circles & jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned
toward her mother & whispered, “If he gets loose, will he hurt us?”
Six-year old Angie & her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in
church. Joel giggled, sang & talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had
enough. “You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church.” “Why? Who’s going to
stop me?” Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church & said, “See those
two men standing by the door? They’re hushers.”
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys
began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the
opportunity for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say ‘Let
my brother have the first pancake, I can wait'”. Kevin turned to his younger
brother & said, “Ryan, you be Jesus!”
A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year old son ran up
to him, grabbed his hand, & led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in
the sand. “Daddy, what happened to him?” the son asked. “He died & went to
Heaven,” the dad replied. The boy thought a moment & then said, “Did God throw
him back down?”
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to
discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, & shouted, “Thou shall not take the covers
off thy neighbor’s wife.”
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including
human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed
especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s
ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he was ill, &
asked, “Johnny what is the matter?” Little Johnny responded, “I have a pain in
my side. I think I’m going to have a wife!”
This last one is out of the mouth of my co-workers 3-year old son Reese: “Our
father, who does art in heaven, Howard is his name….”
When Lyndon Johnson was running for congress…
When Lyndon Johnson was running for congress he called
his opponent a “pig f**ker.”
Lyndon’s campaign manager said, “Lyndon, you know he doesn’t do that!”
Johnson replied, “I know that, but I want to make him deny it.”
Titanic Q & A
Q: Why did Jack die but Rose live ??
A (Official): He loved her so he stayed in the icy water and let her stay
on the floating debris with coat and life jacket on.
A (Unofficial): She has more fat than he does
Q: Why did Rose throw away the ‘Heart Of The Ocean’ at the end??
A (Official): As in all love stories, love is held far above any treasure
on earth. The ‘object’ of love is returned to the ‘love of
her life,’ whose spirit lives on at the bottom of the ocean.
A (Unofficial): She finally realized it’s just plastic.
Q: Why did the censors cut the nude scene ??
A (Official): So that the film will not have an R rating.
A (Unofficial): The sketch was better than the original.
Q: Why didn’t Rose jump when she was teetering on the bow of the ship??
A (Official): Jack persuaded her not to.
A (Unofficial): She was actually afraid that she might smash her pretty
face on the propeller. (Remember her excuse for leaning too
far out that she slipped?)
Ok. This is one question that you will probably have to conjure up your
own answers because I myself can’t figure out the answer as well.
Q: Why didn’t the lights go off on the deck when the engine rooms were
already flooded?
A (Official):
A (Unofficial):
Popsicle
They had a thing down town yesterday. Some idiots were putting up a seventeen-ton popsicle.
So for one day only the coldest thing in New York was not Hillary Clinton.
-David Letterman
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people
see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going
to the “other side.” That’s what “they” call it: the “other
side.” Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat
that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all
chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal
media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like “the
other side.” That chicken should not be free to cross the road.
It’s as plain and simple as that.
KEN STARR:
I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the
behest of the President of the United States of America in an
effort todistractlaw enforcement officials and the American
public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official
has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just
another pawn in the president’s ongoing and elaborate scheme to
obstruct justice an undermine the rule of law. For that reason,
my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity
provided he cooperates fully with our investigation.
Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the
other side of the road until our investigation and any
Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed.(We
also are investigatingwhetherSid Blumenthal has leaked
information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to
be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the
bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.)
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal a job from a decent,hardworking American. Dr. Suses:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I’ve not
been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die. In the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross
roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA:
In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was
good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX:
It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSAIN:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite
justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN:
What chicken?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more
chickens have to cross before you believe it?
FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed
the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross
roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and
balance your checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable
part of eChicken.
EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move
beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by
chicken. Could you define chicken please?
LOUIS FARRAKHAN:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken
crossed the “black man” in order to trample him and keep him
down.
THE BIBLE:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the
chicken,”Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the
road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS:
I missed one?
Erase uan vez una huasita
Erase uan vez una huasita que viene a Santiago a ver a una t�a. Y le da por ir a comprar.
Y cuando iba por ah� vio una falda a $7000 y entr� a verla pero se la subieron a $8000.
Despu�s iba por otro lado y vio unos calzones a $3000 pero adentro se los bajaron a $1500.
Despu�s fue al mercado a comprar tomates pero s�lo hab�a penca, ella no quer�a pero igual la tuvo que comprar.
Lleg� a la casa y la t�a le dijo:
“�C�mo te fue?”
“M�s o menos, solo que me subieron la falda, me bajaron los calzones y me metiron la penca.”