A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, ‘Hey, we have a drink
named after you!’
The grasshopper looks surprised and says, ‘You have a drink named Steve?’
Author: admin
A girl who is seventeen…
A girl who is seventeen
is much more of a woman
than a boy who is seventeen.
Erase uan vez una huasita
Erase uan vez una huasita que viene a Santiago a ver a una t�a. Y le da por ir a comprar.
Y cuando iba por ah� vio una falda a $7000 y entr� a verla pero se la subieron a $8000.
Despu�s iba por otro lado y vio unos calzones a $3000 pero adentro se los bajaron a $1500.
Despu�s fue al mercado a comprar tomates pero s�lo hab�a penca, ella no quer�a pero igual la tuvo que comprar.
Lleg� a la casa y la t�a le dijo:
“�C�mo te fue?”
“M�s o menos, solo que me subieron la falda, me bajaron los calzones y me metiron la penca.”
The Worst Caddy
A golfer enters a tournament and is assigned a caddie. On the first day, the golfer duffs a couple of key shots and does quite bad. He tries to act undisturbed about it and plays the second day, which is even worse. So he plays the third day and totally messes up every shot and has a terrible game. So on the last day of the tournament, he goes out and tries really hard, but he just did worse and worse, so at the end of the round, swearing violently and very frustrated, he shouts to his caddie, who has been quiet all week-end, and says, “You’ve got to be the worst caddie alive!!”The caddie thinks about this, shrugs, and replies, “Nah, that’d be too much of a coincidence!”
Walking
One day, little Sam is out walking with his dad.
Sam says, �Do you know what runs but never walks, dad?�
�I don�t know, Sam.�
�Water.�
Baby planes
A mother and her son were flying ‘Southwest Airlines’ from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, ‘If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?’The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, ‘If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?’The stewardess asked, ‘Did your mother tell you to ask me?’ He said that his mother had. So the stewardess said, ‘Tell your mother that its because Southwest always pulls out on time.’
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.46. While you’re roommate is there and you are not, secretly order a pizza up to him using his name.
12 Days of Christmas
December 14, 1972
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real
Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure.
Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always,
Agnes
========================================================
December 15, 1972
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two
turtle doves. I’m just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.
They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
=========================================================
December 16, 1972
Dear John:
Oh! Aren’t you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don’t
deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just
darling but I must insist, you’ve been too kind.
All my love,
Agnes
=========================================================
December 17, 1972
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they
are beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough. You are
being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
==========================================================
December 18, 1972
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings,
one for every finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my
nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
========================================================
December 19, 1972
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese
laying on my front steps. So you’re back to the birds again huh?
These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors
are complaining and I can’t sleep through the racket. Please
stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
========================================================
December 20, 1972
John:
What’s with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a
swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There’s bird poop all
over the house and they never stop the racket. I can’t sleep at
night and I’m a nervous wreck. It’s not funny. So stop those
freaking birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
=========================================================
December 21, 1972
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with
8 maids a milking? It’s not enough with all those birds and 8
maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is
manure all over the lawn and I can’t move in my own house. Just
lay off me, smartass.
Agnes
=========================================================
December 22, 1972
Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there’s nine pipers
playing. And Christ do they play. They’ve never stopped chasing
those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are
getting upset and they’re stepping all over those screeching
birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a
petition to evict me.
You’ll get yours !
Agnes
==========================================================
December 23, 1972
You rotten prick:
Now there’s ten ladies dancing. I don’t know why I call those
sluts ladies. They’ve been balling those pipers all night long.
Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve got diarrhea. My living
room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has
subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn’t be
condemned.
I’m calling the police on you !
Agnes
=========================================================
December 24, 1972
Listen Fuckhead:
What’s with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and
ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers
ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the
cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They’ve been
trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you’re satisfied, you
rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
=========================================================
December 25, 1972
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers
fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss
Agnes McHolstein.
The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should
come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss
McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been
instructed to shoot you on sight.
With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Law Offices of Badger Bender & Chole
When Lyndon Johnson was running for congress…
When Lyndon Johnson was running for congress he called
his opponent a “pig f**ker.”
Lyndon’s campaign manager said, “Lyndon, you know he doesn’t do that!”
Johnson replied, “I know that, but I want to make him deny it.”
Titanic Q & A
Q: Why did Jack die but Rose live ??
A (Official): He loved her so he stayed in the icy water and let her stay
on the floating debris with coat and life jacket on.
A (Unofficial): She has more fat than he does
Q: Why did Rose throw away the ‘Heart Of The Ocean’ at the end??
A (Official): As in all love stories, love is held far above any treasure
on earth. The ‘object’ of love is returned to the ‘love of
her life,’ whose spirit lives on at the bottom of the ocean.
A (Unofficial): She finally realized it’s just plastic.
Q: Why did the censors cut the nude scene ??
A (Official): So that the film will not have an R rating.
A (Unofficial): The sketch was better than the original.
Q: Why didn’t Rose jump when she was teetering on the bow of the ship??
A (Official): Jack persuaded her not to.
A (Unofficial): She was actually afraid that she might smash her pretty
face on the propeller. (Remember her excuse for leaning too
far out that she slipped?)
Ok. This is one question that you will probably have to conjure up your
own answers because I myself can’t figure out the answer as well.
Q: Why didn’t the lights go off on the deck when the engine rooms were
already flooded?
A (Official):
A (Unofficial):
Grenade
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
Upholster
What would you call a drunk who works at an upholstery shop?
A recovering alcoholic.
Submitted by clamjo
Edited by curtis