Author: admin

Sizing it Up

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A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large”.

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, ” We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows”.

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.

He asks, “And what are those”?

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas”?

$100 Please

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A little boy wanted $100, badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing
happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said:

Dear Lord,
Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that
for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as
usual, those jerks deducted $95.

Ten reasons why beer is better

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Ten reasons why beer is better than religion:

1. No one will kill you for not drinking beer.

2. Beer doesn’t try to ruin your sex life.

3. Wars are not fought over beer.

4. They don’t force beer on minors who can’t think for themselves.

5. When you have a beer, you don’t knock on other people’s doors trying to give it away.

6. Nobody’s ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of beer.

7. You don’t have to wait 2000+ years for a second beer.

8. There are laws saying beer labels can’t lie to you.

9. You can prove you have a beer.

10. If you become addicted to beer, there are groups to help you escape.

Un hombre de compras descubre

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Un hombre de compras descubre una nueva marca de condones: “Condones Ol�mpicos”. Impresionado, compra una caja.

Al llegar a casa, le anuncia a su mujer la nueva adquisici�n:

“�Condones Ol�mpicos?” dice ella “�Y qu� tienen de especial?”

“Vienen en tres colores… Oro, Plata y Bronce, como las medallas.”

“�Y qu� color te vas a poner esta noche?” pregunta ella.

“Oro, por supuesto.” dice el marido orgullosamente.

“�De verdad?… �Y por qu� no usas de plata? �Ser�a bueno que alguna vez no acabaras primero!”

Opposites

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“Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor, “Mr. Nichols, what is the opposite of joy?”

“Sadness,” said the student.

“And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?”

“Elation.”

“And you sir, how about the opposite of woe?”

“I believe that would be giddy up”…..

How drunk is he?

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A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man’s buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the backseat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing. ”What’s so funny?” the bartender asked. ”That stupid Pete!” the fellow chortled, ”He’s so drunk, he thinks he’s me!”

Down and dirty!

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A lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods.
Suddenly a little white duck, all covered with poop, crossed her path.

“Oh, my,” exclaimed the lady, “Come on, I’ll clean you!”
She took a Kleenex from her purse and cleaned the little critter.

She walked a little farther and another duck, with poop all over it, crossed her way. Again she took a Kleenex and cleaned the little bird.

Then she encountered a third duck, with the same problem.
And for the third time, she acted like a Florence Nightingale.

She walked on still farther and she heard a voice from the bushes calling… Pssssst…”Hey, lady!”

“Yes?” she responded.
“Do you have a Kleenex?” asked the voice from the bushes.

“No, not anymore,” she answered.
“Damn! Have ya’ seen any Ducks?”

The Nudist Colony

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Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: “Sir, did you call for me?” Bob replies: “No, what do you mean?” She says: “You must be new here; let me explain. It’s a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me.” Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: “Sir, did you call for me?” Bob replies: “No, what do you mean?” The Huge Man: “You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me.” The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: “May I help you?” Bob says: “Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee.” Receptionist: “But Sir, you’ve only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities…..

“Bob replies: “Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day!