A fellow talking to his friend says, “How can I tell if my girl is a virgin?”Friend tells him, “You have to wait till you wedding night, you show it to her and ask what it is. If she calls it a penis, she’s a virgin. If she says it’s a cock, she’s been around.”So the guy gets married, and in the hotel room he flips it out to her and says “What is this?””That’s a penis!” she replies.”Great,” he sighs, “I thought you were going to call it a cock.””Of course not! A cock is twice as big!!”
Author: admin
Insults
— She’s uglier than homemade soap.
— Your momma’s so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it
said ‘To be continued.’
— He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
— Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits.
— The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead
— Any insulting statement is always followed by “bless his/her heart�.
Example: “She’s dumber than a door knob, bless her heart�.
Star Wars toys that never made it
1) “Luke in Bactine Tank” A favorite scene from “Empire”
recreated in miniature, complete with a removable diaper for
Luke. Unfortunately, it was found that the glowing bactine wash
posed a radioactive health hazard for tykes.
2) “Missile Hand Luke” Luke doll with a special lever on his
back which causes his artificial hand to shoot off at 25 mph.
Manufacturers recalled it when hands started finding their way
into eyeballs, windpipes, and other orifices.
3) “Exploding Death Star” Potential radiation burn/shrapnel
hazard, which did not keep kids from recreating the scene with
their own “normal” Death Star and a few M-60’s.
4) “Black Princess Leia” Promoted as competition for Mattel’s
popular “Black Disco Barbie”; did not find expected level of
popularity.
5) “Incredible Shavable Han Solo” Sprouted real hair; failed
miserably when tested on real kids.
6) “Dissect An Ewok Kit” The deal was off when Play-doh pulled
out at the last minute.
7) “Nit-laden Chewbacca” Concept behind this was that kids would
enjoy picking nits off of a large, furry Chewbacca. Didn’t do
well, since it came with real nits which quickly spread to other
parts of the house.
8) The Ugnaught figures made from Genetically altered mice. PETA
sank that one real quick.
9) Emperor Palpatine Doll/Tesla Coil. Hey kids, real lightning!
Kill your enemies! Nixed due to obvious danger of children
accidentally running up huge power bills.
10) Full scale working Death Star Kit. Kenner built one fully
working model, but it was destroyed. They were halfway finished
with their second when it too was destroyed. Plans were scrapped
to build any more.
11) Darth Vader Funeral Pyre. They couldn’t figure out how to
make a character who had been 4 inches tall and thin into a
character 2.5 inches tall and fat as a slug once you removed his
helmet. Also a problem with the fact that it only worked once.
12) Aunt Beru doll. Nixed as just plain stupid. A huge loss to
those fans of Bok Choi and blue Kool-aid out there.
13) “Real-Guts” Tauntaun. Also referred to as “The Visible
Tauntaun.” Once you pulled off the skin, you could see all the
internal organs. Much like real tauntauns, it stank to high
heaven. Other problem: Like similar toy “The Visible Man,”
Visible Tauntaun’s organs never went back in right and you were
always left with an extra organ or two.
14) “Learn the Force At Home” Kit. Included self-hypnosis
training tapes and rocks to lift. Recalled after thousands of
children with no strong parental figure turned to the Dark Side,
killing their parents and saying things like “You are part of
the Rebel Alliance and you did not make me the type of sandwich
that I like!” while strangling them from across the room.
15) “Fun Fusion Grenade.” Seen in the exciting throneroom scene
in Return of the Jedi where a disguised Leia holds it up to
bluff out Jabba the Hutt. Problem was, the kids didn’t
understand the concept of a fusion grenade and would often
actually detonate it while trying to bluff their parents into
extending their bedtime.
16) “Mr. Hutt-Head.” A Mr. Potato Head ripoff which had a Jabba
body and a series of switchable heads with the faces of famous
fat people. See Rush The Hutt, Willard The Hutt, John Candy The
Hutt, etc. Nixed when famous fat people got angry at being
identified with Pizza Hutt. (they just didn’t get it).
17) Pimp Lando Figure. Lando as a loc-ed out pimp daddy. Long
brown leather coat, straight razor, huge afro, gold tooth, etc.
Actually molded, packaged, and ready to be shipped when the
makers of the Shaft figures sued for copyright infringement.
18) Dead Admiral Doll. Well, Vader killed so many Admirals in
the three movies that Kenner figured that there should be a
doll. Problem was, he couldn’t be posed and would always fall
over in a heap. Kids decided they could fake it with a normal
Admiral doll and chose not to purchase this no-spined rubbery
thing.
19) Roller Disco Cloud City Worker. Roller Disco went out of
fashion, so the skakes were cut off and the hair removed, and
thus the figure was converted to Lando’s Pal Lobot with the
weird headphones.
20) Voices of the Dead Driving Headset. The voice of Ben Kenobi
helps You drive around town. “Watch out for the brown van,
Luke!” “The light is about to turn green, Luke!” Actually a
great help for drivers, but failed on the market due to the fact
that not very many people are named Luke, and no one likes a
back seat driver.
21) Talking Stormtroopers. Pull a string on their chest and they
would say things like “There’s one, set for stun!” or “Look Sir,
Droids!” During production the voiceboxes got switched with
talking Barbie. The stormtroopers ended up saying things like:
“Gosh, math is so hard!” and “Let’s Go Shopping!” while Barbie
barked out “What do you mean, radiation leak?”
22) Speaking of Radiation Leaks, the best toy of all: The Death
Star Detention center. Eventually it was toned down to two lame
rooms in the 4-story death star playset, but it was originally
conceived of as a set all to itself, with rooms such as “b*s
communications center” where you try to talk your way out of
tight fixes with such lies as “oh, weapons misfire.” The hallway
of harmless light: fifty stormtroopers pump bolts of laser fire
down the hall where you and your four friends have no harm done
to you, even though you have no cover to speak of. The best part
about the detention center was that it included some cool dolls:
“torture/interrogation droid,” “giggling Moff Tarkin doll,” and
“flayed flesh Leia,” not to mention “stupid gullible guard”
doll. Eventually stopped by Kenner brass who noticed that
playtesting kids were getting a little too into the torture
room. Fearful of breeding a generation of Salvadorean Death
Squads, they pulled the plug on this toy.
Don’t Welsh On Me
Why do the Welsh shag sheep on cliff edges?
So the sheep push back harder!
A woman of 35 thinks of having children….
A woman of 35 thinks of having children.
A man of 35 thinks of dating children.
Ten reasons why beer is better
Ten reasons why beer is better than religion:
1. No one will kill you for not drinking beer.
2. Beer doesn’t try to ruin your sex life.
3. Wars are not fought over beer.
4. They don’t force beer on minors who can’t think for themselves.
5. When you have a beer, you don’t knock on other people’s doors trying to give it away.
6. Nobody’s ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of beer.
7. You don’t have to wait 2000+ years for a second beer.
8. There are laws saying beer labels can’t lie to you.
9. You can prove you have a beer.
10. If you become addicted to beer, there are groups to help you escape.
Genesis Revised
In The Beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, And darkness was upon the face of the deep.And the Devil said, “It doesn’t get any better than this.”And so God created Man in His own image; Male and female He created them.And God looked upon Man and Woman And saw that they were lean and fit. And God populated the earth With broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, So Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.And so the Devil created McDonald’s. And McDonald’s brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man, “You want fries with that?”And Man said, “Super size them.” And Man gained five pounds.And so God created the healthful yogurt, That Woman might keep her figure. But the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained five pounds.And God said, “Try my crispy fresh salad.” And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry’s. And Woman gained 10 pounds.And God said, “Why doth thou eatest thus? I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables And olive oil with which to cook them.”But the Devil brought forth chicken fried steak So big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds And his bad cholesterol went through the roof.And so God brought forth running shoes. And Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control So Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.And so God brought forth the potato, A vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip.And Man clutched his remote control And ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.And the Devil saw this and said, “It is good.”And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.And the Devil cancelled Man’s health insurance.So God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken. And cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice. And the Devil created light beer So Man could poison his body, While feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another 10 pounds.And Woman ventured forth Into the land of Godiva chocolate, And upon returning asked Man, “Do I look fat?”And the Devil said, “Always tell the truth.”And Man did.And Woman went out from the presence of Man And dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, East of the marriage counselor.And the Devil said, “It doesn’t get any better than this!”
heaven
Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the same day. The Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to his quarters. The room was somewhat shabby and small, similar to that found in a low grade Motel 6 type establishment. The lawyer was then taken to his room, which was a palatial suite including a private swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace overlooking the Gates. The attorney was somewhat taken aback, and told St. Peter, “I’m really quite surprised at these rooms, seeing as how the Pope was given such small accommodations.” St. Peter replied, “We have over a hundred Popes here, and we’re really very bored with them. We’ve never had a lawyer.”
Vacationing in Transylvania
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.
Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, “Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?”
“I’m sorry,” replied the hunchback, “but we don’t have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!”
Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. “I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.”
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried.
“Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.” Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills’ deaths upset Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob’s arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master: “Master, Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Quick Exit
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, “Pardon me, ma’am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.”
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, “Oh no, My husband has just walked in the door.
The Nudist Colony
Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: “Sir, did you call for me?” Bob replies: “No, what do you mean?” She says: “You must be new here; let me explain. It’s a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me.” Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: “Sir, did you call for me?” Bob replies: “No, what do you mean?” The Huge Man: “You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me.” The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.
Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: “May I help you?” Bob says: “Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee.” Receptionist: “But Sir, you’ve only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities…..
“Bob replies: “Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day!
Dennis Rodman & The
The spice girls and Dennis Rodman are on a sinking ship. Who gets saved? The music world and the NBA…