Yours Fun Portal !
President Clinton and his wife are at the first baseball game of the season. At the start of the game the pitcher comes up in the stands and whispers something in Clinton’s ear.
All of a sudden Clinton looks at Hillary and yells, “Okay, Hillary, GET OUT!”.
She looks surprised but leaves.
The pitcher looks at Clinton and says, “No, I said to throw out the first PITCH!”
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman “Give me six double vodkas.”
The barman says “Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day.”
“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender says “Geez! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”.
“Yeah, my wife…”
Why did Clemson choose orange as a school color?
So that the football team could wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up garbage for the rest of the week.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”
“Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life,” her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, “So, why’s the groom wearing black?”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
A police chief, a fire chief, and a city manager were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse. The farmer welcomed them in, but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals. After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn. Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse. The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig. The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief. A short time later, another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O’Leary’s cow that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman’s worst nightmare, that of burning to death. The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn. This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs.
A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife. “You just won’t believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force I’ve never seen anything like it.” “Oh yes dear, what happened ?” “I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.” “Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them ?” “Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off.”
There were 3 little piggies.The first pig walked into a bar got a drink went to the bathroom and went home.The second little piggie did the same.Went to the bar got a drink went to the bathroom and went home.The third piggie went to the bar got a drink,then he was aboutleave but the bartender asked arent you gonna go the the bathroom like the other 2. No said the piggie im gonna go wee wee wee all then way home.
At a recent computer software engineering course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:
“If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?”
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard.
With his team’s software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.
Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the same day. The Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to his quarters. The room was somewhat shabby and small, similar to that found in a low grade Motel 6 type establishment. The lawyer was then taken to his room, which was a palatial suite including a private swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace overlooking the Gates. The attorney was somewhat taken aback, and told St. Peter, “I’m really quite surprised at these rooms, seeing as how the Pope was given such small accommodations.” St. Peter replied, “We have over a hundred Popes here, and we’re really very bored with them. We’ve never had a lawyer.”
Horton actually heard the Who, but Dr. Suess was afraid that his
sales would slip if parents thought he condoned rock music.
What’s the difference between a trampoline and a preacher?
I’ll takes my boots off to jump on a trampoline!
Capitalism – He who dies with the most toys, wins.
Hari Krishna – He who plays with the most toys, wins.
Judaism – He who buys toys at the lowest price, wins.
Catholicism – He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
Anglican – They were our toys first.
Greek Orthodox – No, they were OURS first.
Branch Davidians – He who dies playing with the biggest toys,
wins.
Atheism – There is no toy maker.
Polytheism – There are many toy makers.
Evolutionism – The toys made themselves.
Church of Christ, Scientist – We are the toys.
Communism – Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go
straight to hell if we catch you selling yours.
B’Hai – All toys are just fine with us.
Amish – Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
Taoism – The doll is as important as the dumptruck.
Mormonism – Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.
Voodoo – Let me borrow that doll for a second.
Hedonism – Screw the rule book! Let’s play!
Hinduism – He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses.
7th Day Adventist – He who plays with his toys on Saturday,
loses.
Church of Christ – He whose toys make music, loses.
Baptist – Once played, always played.
Jehovah’s Witnesses – He who sells the most toys door-to-door,
wins.
Pentecostalism – He whose toys can talk, wins.
Existentialism – Toys are a figment of your imagination.
Confucianism – Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no
longer dry.
Non-denominationalism – We don’t care where the toys came from,
let’s just play with them.
Agnosticism – It is not possible to know whether toys make a
damn bit of difference.