At 3am a wife wakes up and notices that her husband is not in bed. So, she goes downstairs to look for him and finds him sitting at the kitchen table, with a big tumbler of scotch in front of him. After he takes a drink, she notices that he wipes away a tear from his eye. She rushes to his side, kneels down beside him, holding his hand she says, “hony, what is wrong”?. He says, “do you remember when we started dating when you were sixteen years old”?. The wife replys, yes. He says, “do you remember when your dad caught us having sex in the back of my car”?. The wife replys, yes. He says, “do you remember when your dad stuck that shotgun in my face and told me that I either marry you or he would have me put in jail for twenty years”?. “yes, I remember that too, says the wife. The husband takes another drink, wipes away another tear, looks her in the eye and says, “well, I would have gotten out today”.
Author: admin
Dealing with criminals
A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife. “You just won’t believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force I’ve never seen anything like it.” “Oh yes dear, what happened ?” “I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.” “Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them ?” “Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off.”
Un viejito llega a la
Un viejito llega a la farmacia y le dice al dependiente:
“Se�or, me puede dar una cajita de Viagra”.
“S� como no. Trae usted su receta”
“No, pero traigo al enfermo”.
Show and Tell
Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up — fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc.
David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so he teacher asked him about his father. “My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer’s really good, he’ll go out to the alley with some guy and do nasty things with him for money.”
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him, “Is that really true about your father?” “No,” said David, “He works for the Bush administration, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.”
Capt. Hook
A pirate and a sailor are in a bar regaling each other with tall tales.
The sailor finally asks the pirate to tell him how he came to have a wooden leg, a hook for a hand and a patch over his eye.
“Well,” says the pirate, “I lost the leg in a shark attack, lost the hand in a sword fight, and the eye was due to bird crap.”
“Bird crap?” asks the puzzled sailor.
“Yes,” replies the pirate. “It was my first day with the hook.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
George W. and Moses
George W. Bush was passing through an airplane terminal and he noticed an old man in a long white robe, with a long white beard, long white hair and carrying two stone tablets in his arms. He approached the man and asked reverently, “Aren’t you Moses?” But the man wouldn’t listen to him and continued walking. George asked him again, ”Aren’t you Moses?” The old man continued ignoring him, even turning his back on little Bush. George grabs the man’s arm, looks him right in the eye and insists, “Answer me — Aren’t you Moses?” The man replies, “I’m not saying a thing! The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up roaming the desert for 40 years!”
Customer Computer Funnies
A woman called the Cannon help desk with a problem with her printer.
The tech asker her if she was “running it under Windows.” The woman
then responded, “NO, my desk is next to the door. But that’s a good
point… The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window,
and his is working just fine.”
Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: “I’d like a mouse pad, please.”
Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we’ve got a large variety.”
Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”
I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document
back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to
keep it.
Customer: “Can you copy the internet for me onto this diskette?”
I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go
something like this:
Customer: “Hi… Is this the internet?”
Some people pay for their online services with check made payable to
“The Internet.”
Customer: “So, that will get me connected to the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Yeah.”
Customer: “And that’s the latest version of the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Uhh… uh… uh…yeah.”
Customer: “My computer crashed!”
Tech Support: “It crashed?”
Customer: “Yeah, it won’t let me play my game…”
Tech Support: “All right then, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot it.”
Customer: “No, it didn’t crash – it crashed!”
Tech Support: “Huh?”
Customer: “I crashed my game. That’s what I said before! I crashed
the spaceship, and now it doesn’t work.”
Tech Support: Click on “File”, then “New Game”.
Customer: [pause] “Wow! How’d you learn how to do that?”
Black or white…?
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”
“Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life,” her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, “So, why’s the groom wearing black?”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
IQ
Bob is throwing a party. He decides that to break the ice at his party, he’ll ask each guest what their IQ is, and then strike up an appropriate conversation from there.
The day of Bob’s party rolls around and when the first guest knocks on the door, Bob asks the person what their IQ is.
“200,000,” replies the first guest.
“Well, that’s great,” says Bob, “Let’s talk about etherial astro physics.” Bob and this first guest talk about the aforementioned subject for a while. Later in the party someone else is at the door.
“Hi my name is Bob. Welcome to my party, what’s your IQ?”
The new guest responds with 250.
“Great,” says Bob, “Let’s talk about advanced math.” Bob and his new guest talk about calculus and statistics for a while.
Much later in the party, after many more guests had arrived, another guest arrives at the door.
“Hi, my name’s Bob. Welcome to my party, what’s your IQ?”
This time the guest pauses before replying: 5.
“Well that’s great,” says Bob, “What kind of drumsticks do you use?”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
6 Double Vodkas
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman “Give me six double vodkas.”
The barman says “Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day.”
“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender says “Geez! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”.
“Yeah, my wife…”
Black And White
What’s black and white and red all over?
An embarassed zebra!
Mommy told me not to I dont I want to
One day, there was a new mentaly handycap boy but no one knew
that he was handycap. all the girls thought he was really hot!
One day, the boy’s mother wanted him to go bring a pie to a
little girls house wich was right next door. He knocks on the
door and the little girl awnsors it. she tells the boy to come
in and sais ” take of your shoes il show you my room” “mommy
told me not to i dont think i want to” replies the boy “ill give
you a cookie” sais the girl “ok” so now they are in the girls
room. ” take off my clothes” sais the girl “mommy told me not to
i dont think i want to” Il give you 2 cookies. ok . the girls
clothes are now off. take off your clothes. sais the girl. Mommy
told me not to i dont think i want to. ill give you 5 cookies.
ok. now the girl is lying on her bed, jump on me! mommy told me
not to i dont think i want to. ill give you 7 cookies. ok. while
they are f*king the dad walks in, you get the f*ck off my
doghter right now! the boy replies
mommy told me not to i dont think i want to