Author: admin

IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE USING

Congratulations!

You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you to:

PLEASE FOR GOD’S SAKE READ THIS OWNER’S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN’T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON “FAST FORWARD”, THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!?

We’re sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we’re always getting back “defective” merchandise where it turns out that the consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days. So, in writing these instructions, we naturally tend to assume that your skull is filled with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it. OK? Now let’s talk about:

1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE

The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping People, who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing boxes.

PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKER’S ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES.

Ida Mae really wants that ring back, because it is her only proof of engagement, and her fiancee, Stuart, is now seriously considering backing out on the whole thing in as much as he had consumed most of a bottle of Jim Beam in Quality Control when he decided to pop the question. It is not without irony that Ida Mae’s last name is “Barker”, if you get our drift.

WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS.

If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing one single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern Europe. Besides the device, the box should contain:

* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say “WARNING”

* A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.

YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY:

a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.

IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING:

You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse and say “Margaret, you know why this country can’t make a car that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major transmission overhaul?

Because nobody cares, that’s why.

” WARNING: This is assuming your spouse’s name is Margaret. And not Pete.

2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE

The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the electrical industry’s Plug Mutation Group, which, in a continuing effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical current to flow through their appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug, then the Plug Where One Prong is Bigger Than the Other. Your device is equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist of Six Small Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate.

DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN!

Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight, and clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief.

WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.

3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE WARNING:

WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF “SHOGUN” ON TAPE.

INSTRUCTIONS:

For results that can be the finest, it is our advising that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the battery. Next taking the (something) earth section may cause a large occurrence! However. If this is not a trouble, such rotation is a very maintainence action, as a kindly (something) virepoint from Drawing B.

4. WARRANTY

Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warrantied against all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and Thursday afternoon shortly before 2, during which time the Manufacturer will, at no charge to the Owner, send the device to our Service People, who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals designed to cleanse it of evil spirits. This warranty does not cover the attractive designer case.

WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER HAS “SHOGUN” ON TAPE

Connorsvill,Wisconsin:
It is illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm.

Willowdale, Oregon:
It is illegal for husbands to curse during sex.

Oblong, Illinois:
It is punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.
(Trust me if a man takes his wife fishing on their wedding day, he has an even bigger problem.)

Alexandria, Minnesota:
No man is allowed to make love with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath.

Ames, Iowa:
A man cannot have more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife, girlfriend, or significant other— or holding her in his arms.

Bozeman, Montana:
Has a law banning all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown — if they are nude.

Newcastle, Wyoming:
An ordinance specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store’s walk-in-meat freezer.

Illinois:
A state law mandates that all bachelors should be called “master,” not “mister,” when addressed by their female counterparts.

Norfolk, Virginia:
A woman could not go out without wearing a corset. There was even a civil-service job, only for men, called “corset inspector.”

Merryville, Missouri:
Women are prohibited from wearing corsets because the “privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male.”

(This one either makes me want to stand up and scream, “Hallelujah!” or puke.)

Helena, Montana:
Law mandates that a woman can’t dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.

Carlsbad, New Mexico:
It’s legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break, as long as the vehicle has curtains drawn to discourage peeping Toms.

Florida:
State law says that if you are a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you can not parachute on Sunday afternoons.

Cleveland, Ohio:
Woman aren’t allowed to wear patent-leather shoes. A man might see the reflection of something “he oughtn’t.”

Tremont, Utah
No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and “her name is to be published in the local newspaper.” The man isn’t charged nor is his name revealed.