WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND A SPAGETTI NOODLE? THEY BOTH WIGGLE WHEN YOU EAT THEM
Author: admin
Republican Kittens
George W. Bush is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner
with a box.
Curious, he runs over to the child and says, “What’s in the box kid?”
The little boy says, “Kittens, they’re brand new kittens.”
George W. laughs and says, “What kind of kittens are they?”
“Republicans,” the child says.
“Oh that’s cute,” George W. says and he runs off.
A couple of days later George is running with his buddy Dick Cheney and he
spies the same boy with his box just ahead.
George W. says to Dick, “You gotta check this out” and they both jog over to
the boy with the box.
George W. says, “Look in the box Dick, isn’t that cute? Look at those little
kittens. Hey kid tell my friend Dick what kind of kittens they are.”
The boy replies, “They’re Democrats.”
“Whoa!� George W. says, “I came by here the other day and you said they were
Republicans. What’s up?”
“Well,” the kid says, “Their eyes are open now”
Los Derechos de los Estudiantes
Los Derechos de los Estudiantes
Art. 1� El alumno siempre tiene la raz�n… cuando le conviene.
Art. 2� En caso de que el maestro la tenga, se aplica la �ltima parte del art�culo 1�.
Art. 3� El alumno no comete errores, comprueba la sabidur�a del maestro.
Art. 4� Al alumno no lo sacan del sal�n, se sale a tomar el sol.
Art. 5� El alumno no grita, sino que tiene la voz muy fuerte.
Art. 6� El alumno no dice groser�as, expresa sus sentimientos.
Art. 7� El alumno no destruye el pupitre, comprueba su resistencia.
Art. 8� El alumno no pinta los pupitres, solo les da un peque�o retoque.
Art. 9� El alumno no pone apodos, estudia sin�nimos y apariencias.
Art. 10� El alumno no llega tarde, el maestro llega temprano.
Art. 11� El alumno no platica en clase, comenta sus puntos de vista.
Art. 12� El alumno no copia, verifica que el compa�ero no cometa errores.
Art. 13� El alumno contesta no, no porque no sepa, sino porque el maestro ya lo sabe.
Art. 14� El alumno no hace acordeones, sintetiza el tema.
Art. 15� El alumno no come en clase, s�lo se nutre.
Art. 16� El alumno no se sienta mal en el pupitre, busca una postura c�moda.
Art. 17� El alumno no recibe reportes, hace una agradable visita a la m�xima autoridad.
Art. 18� En caso de que el maestro no sepa la respuesta, puede recurrir a los alumnos para aprobar sus conocimientos.
a few things to do in public
1. when a person is taking there dog for a walk, pet it and play
with it for a long time as long as u can untill the owner of the
dog leaves.
2. If someone has there dog outside, bark at it loudly for a
long time untill the owner lets him in the house when they do,
then say something sarcastic.
3. While some kids are playing a game, join them then brake all
the rules trample them down untill they leave.
4. Go to a mall hide behind something then jump out and fall in
front of someone see if they help u.
5. go to a public bathroom and throw everything around clogg the
sinks up! (ive done this)
6. glogg the bathroom sink turn the water on and leave. (done
this)
7. (something ive done) I went fishing, we caught a little fish,
so we were sorta playing with it. Then we took it all the way to
the public bathrooms, stuck it in the toilet and leave it there
9lucky my parents werent there!)
8. throw worms at someone and start a fight, see who wins! (done
this)
Tough Quiz
A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The Programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lot of fun. He explains “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $5.”
Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, “OK, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $50!”
This catches the Engineer’s attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The Engineer doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Programmer.
Now, it’s the Engineer’s turn. He asks the Programmer “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?”
The Programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Aerophone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers — all to no avail. After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50.
The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks “Well, so what’s the answer?”
Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer $5, and turns away and goes back to sleep.
Why didn’t the kitten cross the road?…
Why didn’t the kitten cross the road?
Because he was a scaredy cat.
How does a [ethnic] man
How does a [ethnic] man propose marriage?
“You’re having a what!”
Retard at a park
What do you call a retarted blonde at a park?
Lost
Miniatures
I think the worst thing a wife can ever do is make fun of her husband’s sexual prowess.
Like my wife was talking to our neighbor when he asked her “What made you decide to marry John?”
My dear wife said, “Because of my hobby — I collect miniatures.”
Weird Local Sex Laws
No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions,
or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law
mandates that he must brush his teeth. Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in
Ames, Iowa, he isn’t allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying
in bed with you-or holding you in his arms. Bozeman, Montana, has a law that
bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard
of a home after sundown-if they’re nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you’re
safe from the law!) During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico no couple should
engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has
curtains. In Cleveland, Ohio women are not allowed to wear patent-leather shoes.
Clinton, Oklahoma has a law against masturbating while watching two people
having sex in a car. It’s safe to make love while parked in Coeur d’Alene,
Idaho. Police officers aren’t allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any
suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from
behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before
getting out of his car to investigate. In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall
shoot off a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm. In Detroit,
couples are not allowed to make love in an automobile unless the act takes place
while the vehicle is parked on the couple’s own property. A law in Fairbanks,
Alaska does not allow moose to have sex on city streets. In Florida it is
illegal for single, divorced, or widowed women to parachute on Sunday
afternoons. In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck
driver inside a toll booth. The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is
required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple,
even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex
unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts. Another
law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can’t dance on a table in a saloon
or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing. A state
law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister,
when addressed by their female counterparts. An excerpt from brilliant Kentucky
state legislation. “No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway
within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she
be armed with a club”. The following important ammendment however is to be
considered here: “The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females
weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to
female horses.” In Kingsville, Texas there is a law against two pigs having sex
on the city’s airport property. Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and
accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail
according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law. In Los Angeles, California, a man
is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt
can’t be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his wife’s consent to beat her with
a wider strap. Consent should be given prior to the event, as is carefully
stipulated. In Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets
because “The privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young
woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male.” In
Michigan, a woman isn’t allowed to cut her own hair without her husband’s
permission. In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal. An ordinance
in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing
inside a store’s walk-in meat freezer! In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can’t go
out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job-for man only-called
a corset inspector.) In Oblong, Illinois, it’s punishable by law to make love
while hunting or fishing on your wedding day. In Oxford, Ohio, it’s illegal for
a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man’s picture. In
hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds.
And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a
room for only one night. And it’s illegal to make love on the floor between the
beds! A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a
man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman’s
name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any
punishment. Utah state legislation outlaws all sex with anyone but your spouse.
Next to that adultery, oral and anal sex, masturbation is considered sodomy and
can lead to imprisonment. Sex with an animal – unless performed for profit –
however is NOT considered sodomy. Polygamy – provided only the missionary
position has been applied – is only a misdemeanor. In Ventura County, California
cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit. The only acceptable
sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position. Any other
sexual position is considered illegal. In Willow dale, Oregon no man may curse
while having sex with his wife. In the state of Washington there is a law
against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (Including the wedding
night).
How Many Interns at the White House?
How many Interns does it take to screw in a light bulb at the White House?
None…They are too busy screwing the president!
Why English is tough
Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn.1. The bandage was wound around the wound.2. The farm was used to produce produce.3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.4. We must polish the Polish furniture.5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.10. I did not object to the object.11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.13. They were too close to the door to close it.14. The buck does funny things when does are present.15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?