Author: admin

Plant the Lettuce

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A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife:

“Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back
garden. When is the best time to plant it?”

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail,
replied in a letter:

“Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That
is where I hid all the money.”

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:

“Dear Husband, You wouldn’t believe what happened: some men came
with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden.”

The prisoner wrote another letter back:

“Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce.”

The Reason Blonde Jokes Will Never Go Away

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This is a True Story, if she had killed herself she’d be a shoe-in for the Darwin Award

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, a woman, who happened to be blonde, and new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t get her brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn’t get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.

After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine was fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

Someone Under the Be

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Shakey went to a psychiatrist.”Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under … you gotta help me, I’m going crazy!””Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink.”Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.””How much do you charge?””A hundred dollars per visit.””I’ll sleep on it,” said Shakey.Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street.”Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.”For a hundred buck’s a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars.””Is that so! How?””He told me to cut the legs off the bed!”

To Have Him Back

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“Oh, Laura!” cried her neighbor, “I’m so very sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. He was such a wonderful man. I’m sure he left you well provided for, didn’t he?”

Laura dabbed at her eyes and muttered, “Yes, he was a very caring husband and he left me almost half a million dollars in his will. I miss him so much that I’d give fifty thousand just to have him back!”

a few things to do in public

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1. when a person is taking there dog for a walk, pet it and play
with it for a long time as long as u can untill the owner of the
dog leaves.
2. If someone has there dog outside, bark at it loudly for a
long time untill the owner lets him in the house when they do,
then say something sarcastic.
3. While some kids are playing a game, join them then brake all
the rules trample them down untill they leave.
4. Go to a mall hide behind something then jump out and fall in
front of someone see if they help u.
5. go to a public bathroom and throw everything around clogg the
sinks up! (ive done this)
6. glogg the bathroom sink turn the water on and leave. (done
this)
7. (something ive done) I went fishing, we caught a little fish,
so we were sorta playing with it. Then we took it all the way to
the public bathrooms, stuck it in the toilet and leave it there
9lucky my parents werent there!)
8. throw worms at someone and start a fight, see who wins! (done
this)

Tough Quiz

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A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The Programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lot of fun. He explains “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $5.”

Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, “OK, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $50!”

This catches the Engineer’s attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”

The Engineer doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Programmer.

Now, it’s the Engineer’s turn. He asks the Programmer “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?”

The Programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Aerophone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers — all to no avail. After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50.

The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks “Well, so what’s the answer?”

Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer $5, and turns away and goes back to sleep.

Who is better in bed

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Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office.

John to George: “Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She’s a lot better in bed than my wife!”

Two days later. George to John: “Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but I still think your wife is better in bed!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Republican Kittens

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George W. Bush is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner
with a box.
Curious, he runs over to the child and says, “What’s in the box kid?”
The little boy says, “Kittens, they’re brand new kittens.”
George W. laughs and says, “What kind of kittens are they?”
“Republicans,” the child says.
“Oh that’s cute,” George W. says and he runs off.
A couple of days later George is running with his buddy Dick Cheney and he
spies the same boy with his box just ahead.
George W. says to Dick, “You gotta check this out” and they both jog over to
the boy with the box.
George W. says, “Look in the box Dick, isn’t that cute? Look at those little
kittens. Hey kid tell my friend Dick what kind of kittens they are.”
The boy replies, “They’re Democrats.”
“Whoa!� George W. says, “I came by here the other day and you said they were
Republicans. What’s up?”
“Well,” the kid says, “Their eyes are open now”