Author: admin

Screwed to death?

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A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick, so she proceeded to find herself a rich 75-year-old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.

The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.

When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a condom to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of nose plugs.

Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, “What are those for?”

The elderly groom replied, “There are two things I can’t stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber.”

Pay by the inch

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Three friends decided to visit a prostitute.

It was a slow night, so she gave the guys a deal. “You can pay by the inch,” she said.

The first man leaves with the hooker, and comes back out.

“How much did she charge you?” asked the other two.

“$75 dollars,” said the first.

The second guy goes in, and returns after paying a fee of $85.

The first two were proud of their prowess.

The third man goes in and returns.

“How much did she charge you?” the first two asked.

“$20 dollars,” replies the third.

The first two start laughing hysterically.

“Hey guys,” replied the third, “I’m not so stupid, I paid on the way out instead of on the way in!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

New Viruses

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Should you receive a document with any of the following viruses, you must immediately open the window and throw out your computer. I repeat, do not ever again use your computer should it be infected with ANY of these horrible viruses.

1. Freudian Virus
Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend’s hard drive.

2. Lorena Bobbit Virus
Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

3. Tonya Harding Virus
Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.

4. Paul Revere Virus
Warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:

5. Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus
Instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg.

6. Ollie North Virus
Plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files.

7. Joey Buttafuaco Virus
Only attacks minor files.

8. Ronald Reagan Virus
Saves your data, but forgets where it’s stored.

9. Jane Fonda Virus
Attacks your hard drive’s FAT.

10. Oprah Winfrey Virus
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

11. AT&T Virus
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

12. MCI Virus
Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.

13. Politically Correct Virus
Never calls itself a “virus,” but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism.”

14. Ross Perot Virus
Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits.

15. Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus
Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.

16. Government Economist Virus
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

17. Federal Bureaucrat Virus
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

18. Adam and Eve Virus
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.

19. Congressional Virus #1
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

20. Congressional Virus #2
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish anything.

21. Airline Virus
You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

22. PBS Virus
Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

23. Jimmy Hoffa Virus
Your programs can never be found again.

24. LAPD Virus
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in “self-defense.”

25. O.J. Virus
It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED!!!!!

Choking my ducks!

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A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days.

An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.

The old man decided to go and see if they were all right.

He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.

“Yes, we’re fine. We’re living on the fruits of love.”

The old man replied, “I thought so…would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window…they’re choking my ducks!”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman

ODE TO A MAMMOGRAM

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ODE TO A MAMMOGRAM —Author unknownFor years ‘n years they told me, be careful of your breastsDon’t ever squeeze or bruise them, and give them monthly tests.So I heeded all their warnings and protected them by lawGuarded them very carefully, and always wore a bra.After 30 years of careful care, the doctor found a lumpHe ordered up a mammogram to look inside that clump.Stand up very close, she said, as she got my tit in lineAnd tell me when it hurts, she said, Ah, yes, there! That’s just fine.She stepped upon a pedal…I could not believe my eyesA plastic plate was pressing down…My boob was in a vice!!!My skin was stretched ‘n stretched from way up by my chinAnd my poor tit was being squashed to swedish pancake thin!!!Excruciating pain I felt within it’s vice-like gripA prisoner in this vicious thing, my poor defenseless tit!!!Take a deep breath she said.Who does she think she’s kidding?My chest is smashed in her machine and woozy I am getting.There, that was good I heard her say as the room was slowly swayingNow let’s get the other one.Lord, have mercy, I was praying.It squeezed me from the up and down, it squeezed me from both sidesI’ll bet she’s never had this done to her tender little hide!!!If I had no problem when I came in, I surely have one nowIf there had been a cyst in there, it would have popped–ker pow!!This machine was made by man, of this I have no doubtI’d like to get his balls in there, for months he’d go without.

The Golfer and the Leprechaun

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One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He
tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the
fairway.
He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge
knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. “Goodness,” says the
golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.

Upon awaking, the little guy says, “Well, you caught me fair and square. I am
a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes.”

The man says, “I can”t take anything from you, I”m just glad I didn”t hurt
you too badly,” and walks away.

Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, “Well, he was a nice enough
guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I”ll give him the
three things that I would want. I”ll give him unlimited money, a great golf
game, and a great love life.”

Well, a year goes past and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course
at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off
looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and
asks how he is doing.

The leprechaun says, “I”m fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?”

The golfer says, “It”s great! I hit under par every time.”

The leprechaun says, “I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is
holding out?”

The golfer says, “Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in
my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note.”

The leprechaun smiles and says, “I did that for you. And might I ask how your
love life is?” The leprechaun says, “I did that for you. And might I ask how
your money is holding out?”

The golfer says, “Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in
my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note.”

The leprechaun smiles and says, “I did that for you. And might I ask how your
love life is?”

The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, “Well, I have a date maybe
once or twice a week.”

The leprechaun is floored and stammers, “Only once or twice a week?!”

The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, “Well, that”s not
too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.”

Easy Letter to Santa (fill in the gaps)

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Dear Santa,

This year i’ve been an extremely ______ person. Infact I think
its safe to say that i’ve been much, much ______ than in
previous years.

Everything started off quite well; there was the incident with
the ______ but I don’t like to think about that too much, and
anyway lots of people have been caught in the ____ doing _____
with _____, and they got away with it.

Oh yeah, then there was the time during winter when I forgot to
cover up my _____, which of course meant that my _____ caught a
very bad cold and nearly died.

After that I thought that things could only get _____, to my
surprise however they got steadily _____ and _____.

There was the time I took _____ home to meet my _____. At first
everything was great! but then of course my _____ couldn’t hold
back and _____ all over _____’s face, it was perhaps the most
_____ moment of my life.

And getting that _____ stuck in my throat over dinner didn’t
help either.

One of my _____est moments from this year was when, for the
first time in my life, I bought my very own _____. _____only
cost me _____ and went for hours and hours. Unfortunately I had
to take it back to the shop the next day because it was _____.
They refused to give me my money back too, the bastards, they
said it was because I should never have _____ed it in the first
place.

Anyway Santa, apart from these minor occurences, I think that I
should be allowed some presents and my top three requests are
these:

_____, _____, and most importantly _____ with lots of ______
please.

I promise not to call you a _____ this year if you don’t give me
what I want, even though you’re as old as _____ and probably
twice as _____.

Merry Bloody Christmas,

(signed)_____.

Harley Davidson dies, and goes

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Harley Davidson dies, and goes to heaven.
One day, he finds himself talking to God.

God says “You know Harley, I really like you bikes.
There was only one thing wrong with them – the inlet was too close
to the exhaust.”

Harley replied “I couldn’t find any way around that, though
I notice that you had the same problem with women, you know, inlet
to close to the exhaust.”

God gets pretty angry at this, and snaps back
“I bet more people rode my model than yours!”

After work drinks

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A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking.

He stays until the bar closes at 2am,
at which time he is extremely drunk.

When he enters his house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so
he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.

Half-way up the stairs, he falls over
backwards and lands flat on his rear end.

That wouldn’t have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly.

But, he was so drunk that he didn’t know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible.

Well, he repaired the damage as
best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the
covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

“Well, you really tied one on last night,” she said. “Where’d you go?”

“I worked late,” he said, “and I stopped off for a couple of beers.”

“A couple of beers? That’s a laugh,” she replied. “You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?”

“What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?”

“Well,” she replied, “my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror.”