A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.One day she comes home and finds her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.Hysterically, the blonde responds to her husband, ‘Shut up… you’re next.’
Author: admin
Farmer’s Daughters
One day there was this farmer. He had 3 daughters and they each had a date on Saturday night.
The first date comes to the door. the farmer answers the door. The first date says, “Hi my name is Joe, I’m here to take your daughter Flow to eat some dough.”
The farmer says sure. Soon the second date comes to the door, “the date says hi, I’m Freddy, I’m here to take your daughter Betty to eat some spaghetti.” The farmer goes sure.
Then the last date comes to the door. “he say hi, my name is Chuc-k…”The farmer goes “Get the hell out of my house!!!
Working late
It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.
“And just where have you been until this hour?” demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.
“Down at the office,” he replied, “working like a dog.”
The Afghani and the Catfish
What’s the difference between an Afghani woman and a catfish?
One has whiskers and smells really bad.
The other one’s a fish.
The Oil Crisis
There are a lot of folks that can’t understand how we ran out of oil here in the USA.
Well, here’s the answer: It’s simple. nobody bothered to check the oil.
Didn’t know we were getting low. And of course the reason for that is geographical.
All the oil is in Alaska, Texas, and Oklahoma,
and all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.
Guy spits into glass
There’s a guy in a bar, it’s late, and the guy and the bartender are the only
ones left in the bar.
The guy pushes his empty beer glass over to the edge of the counter, walks to
the other end of the bar, and says to the Bartender, “If I could spit from here,
and get it in the glass without getting any anywhere else, would you give me
$50?”
The bartender, not seeing how this bet could be cheated, says, “Ok, show me”
The guy then spits, and makes it in the glass, without getting any on the
counter or the floor.
The bartender says, “That’s amazing! You deserve the $50!”
The next day, about noon, the guy’s in the bar again, and says to the
bartender, if he could do it again, but with 2 glasses Side by side, would be
give him $100?
The bartender agrees, and the guy spits from across the bar and makes it in
both glasses, without getting any anywhere else.
Than the evening rolls around, and the bartender sticks glass all over the
bar. He than says to the guy, “If you can spit in All of these glass at the same
time, without getting any anywhere else, I’ll give you $200″
The guy says, “Sure, but I need a little time to get ready”.
So after a minute, the guy comes up, and proceeds to spit everywhere at
lightning speed. The bartender, seeing that the guy has missed every single cup,
jumps up and down for joy, screaming. The guys than pays the bartender, and
says, “I don’t see what you’re so happy about, I just bet the guy in the corner
$500 that I could spit all over your bar, and you’d be happy about it.”
Dinosaur with sore bum
what do you call a dinosaur with a sore bum!
answer: a stegasore-ass
a tyranosore-ass
a megesore-ass
Yo mama so stupid
yo mama so stupid she bought a solar powered flashlight.
Words to Live By
* Black holes are where God divided by zero.
* All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
* Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
* I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
* OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
* How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
* If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
* Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
* Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
* When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
* Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
* Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
* Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
* Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
* Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
* I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
* Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
* Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
* If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
* 24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case … coincidence?
* Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
* When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
* Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
* Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
* I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
* I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
* If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
* No one is listening until you make a mistake. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
* The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
* Two wrongs are only the beginning.
* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
* Change is inevitable… except from vending machines.
* A fool and his money are soon partying.
* Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
* If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
* Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.
* I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
* Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
* Half the people you know are below average.
* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
* 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
* A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Q.what hs a tounge and gets around alot but…
Q.what hs a tounge and gets around alot but does not walk.
A.a shoe
Stock Market Worries
While the U.S. stock market was at an all time high, the ups and downs frightened a lot of small investors. A guy went to his financial adviser at the bank and ask if he were worried.
He replied that he slept like a baby.
He was amazed and asked, “Really? Even with all the fluctuations?”
He said, “Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours.”
Long Faces
ok a horse walks into a horse barn and says “whats with all the long faces””
“