A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under
his arm.
His Canadien friend stops him and asks, “Hey Bob! Whacha get
the case of beer for?”
“I got it for my wife, eh.” answers Bob.
“Oh!” exclaims Doug, “Good trade.”
Author: admin
Cigaret condom
there are 2 old ladys sitting out side on there portch. it starts to rain one of the old ladys pulls out a condom and puts it over her ciggaret the other old lady says that why did u do that, she said so my ciggaret wont get wet , the other old ladys said thats a good idea.
the next day the other old lady goes to the groshery store and asked the cashier if she can get a condom the casheier said what size what color.
the old lady said that it doesnt mater what color just to beable to fit a CAMLE
Supermarket Shopping
One day, an old lady went to the store to get some food for her dog. When she got to the counter to pay, the cashier said she needed proof that the old lady had a dog because some old people have been known to just eat the animal food themselves. So she went home got her puppy, bought it to the store and purchased the dog food. One week later, she went to get some cat food. Once again the cashier needed proof that the old lady had a cat. So she went home, got her cat, came back and purchased the cat food. Two weeks later, the old lady walked in the same market to buy something . She held a bag in front of the cashier and told him to put his fingers in the bag and then smell them. When the cashier did, he said, “It smells like poop!” The old lady replied, “It is! Can I buy some toilet paper now?”
Question and answer blonde joke
Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?A: Because they can spell it.
Balanced person
My mother-in-law is a well balanced person.
She’s got a chip on BOTH shoulders
Cannibal Jokes
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”
When do cannibals leave the table? When everyone’s eaten.
What is a cannibal’s favorite type of TV show? A celebrity roast.
Where do cannibals shop for fine furniture? Eatin’ Allen’s.
What did the cannibal give his wife for Valentine’s Day? A box of farmer’s fannies.
What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts.
What do cannibals make out of politicians? Bologna sandwiches.
What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner? The cold shoulder.
What is a cannibal’s favorite game? Swallow the leader.
Have you heard about the cannibal restaurant? Dinner costs an arm and a leg.
Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food? He ordered a pizza with everybody on it.
Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school for buttering up his teacher?
Cannibal: One who loves his fellow man with gravy.
Cannibal’s recipe book: How to Serve Your Fellow Man.
One cannibal to another: I never met a man I didn’t like.
Two cannibals were sitting by a fire. The first says, “Gee, I hate my mother-in-law.” The 2nd replies, “So, try the potatoes.
The first cannibal asked the 2nd cannibal, “Aren’t you done eating yet?” The 2nd cannibal replied, “I’m on my last leg now.”
One day a cannibal visited the neighboring island of cannibals. There, people cost $2 but politicians cost $25. The visiting cannibal asked, “How come politicians cost so much?” The chief answered, “Do you know how hard it is to clean one of those?”
A man gets captured by cannibals and every day they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their food. Finally the guy calls the chief over and says, “You can kill me or you can eat me, but I’m tired of getting stuck for drinks.”
My Exercise Diary
For my birthday this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model.
My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started. They suggested I keep an “exercise diary” to chart my progress.
Day 1.
Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She’s something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.
Day 2.
Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven’s sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth while. Muscles ALL feel GREAT.
Day 3.
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can’t imagine anything worse.
Day 4.
Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can’t help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word “dumb” must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men’s room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.
Day 5.
I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya – I don’t have triceps. And if you don’t want dents in the floor don’t hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?
Day 6.
Got Tanya’s message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.
Day 7.
Well, that’s the week. Thank goodness that’s over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate for a root canal.
Tracker
A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in the middle of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop.
The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing.
The tribesman began to speak… “woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, four door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h.”
“That’s amazing.” exclaimed the father. “You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground”?
“No,” said the old tribesman. “They just ran over me five minutes ago!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Hollow Woman
A fat lady steps on a scale not knowing it was broken. The arrow
stops at 75 pounds. “WOW!”, a watching child yells,”She must be
hollow!”
Cats and toast
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Horses Ass
A guy is sitting at a bar and orders a drink. At the same time the TV go’s on and there is Bill Clinton about to give a speech. The man yells,” There’s a horses ass” A guy gets up and punches him.. Then when Hilary Clinton came on he said the same, “There’s a horses ASS.. He then got punched again.. So he says to the bartender, “What is this Clinton country..” The bartender says no, “Horse country”
A Visitor’s Guide to Dallas, TX
. . . life in America’s fifth largest city.
1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is DAL-LUS, or DAA-LIS depending on if you live inside or outside LBJ Freeway.
2.Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Dallas has its own version of traffic rules….Hold on and pray. There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Dallas. We all drive like that.
3.All directions start with, “Go down to Beltline”…which has no beginning and no end.
4.The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic a “scenic drive.”
5.The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday’s rush hour starts Thursday morning.
6.If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid getting into any cross-traffic’s way.
7. Arapaho Road can only be pronounced by a native. The same holds true for Wycliff Avenue, Worcola Street, Sul Ross, Pokolodi and Routh Street.
8.Construction on I-30 is a way of life and form of entertainment.
9.All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, “Oh, we’re in Fort Worth!!”
10.If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.
11.All old ladies with blue hair in Cadillacs have the right of way.
12. Story Road mysteriously changes names as you cross intersections. Unless you’re on Storey Rd……
13.If asking directions in Irving, you must have knowledge of Spanish.
14.Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport has four terminal buildings connected by one tram that never works.
15.A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of four hours, although many north/south freeways have unposted minimum speeds of 75. The minimum acceptable speed on the Dallas North Toll Road is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy.
16.The wrought iron on windows in and around Oak Cliff isn’t ornamental.
17.Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says,”Keep honking. I’m reloading.” In fact, don’t honk at anyone. Concealed weapons are a jealously guarded, God-given right.
18.If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 in a 60 mph zone… people are not waving when they go by.
19.The North Dallas Tollway is our daily version of NASCAR.
20.LBJ is called “The Death Trap” for two reasons: “death” and “trap.”
21. If it’s 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.
22. If it’s 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, the Fort Worth Live Stock Show is going on.
23. If it’s rained 6 inches in the last hour, the Byron Nelson Golf Classic is in the second round.
24.Amusement parks, stadiums, arenas, race tracks, airports, etc. are conveniently located as far away from EVERYTHING as possible so as to allow for ample parking on grassy areas.