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A man, fond of practical jokes, decided late one night to send his friend a
collect telegram, which read, “I am perfectly well.”
A week later, the joker received a heavy parcel — collect — on which he had
to pay considerable charges. Upon opening it, he found a big block of concrete,
which had this message, “This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind.”
At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.” In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself): If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought “Car95” or “CarNT.” But then you would have to buy more seats.6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single “general car default” warning light.8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.9. The airbag system would say “Are you sure?” before going off.10. Occasionally, and for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car’s performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.13. You’d press the “start” button to shut off the engine
My classmate, Susan, and I are in the middle of our thesis rewrites for
Johns Hopkins University. We only have two weeks left and we are both
quite razzled at the prospect of doing more research in the remaining
time.
Today Susan called me to say that she desperately needed more history
about a small tribe of Native Americans that lives in the Grand Canyon
but there’s only one telephone on the reservation and no one ever answers
it.
As a matter of fact, the three times she visited the tribe’s Visitor
Center while she was on vacation, she said no one ever opened up the
building.
Being a computer geek, I said, “Have you checked the Internet?”
She said, “No, what a great idea! Thanks.”
I did a quick check using Excite while she used Yahoo and she was
astounded at the information available about this little-known tribe.
She thanked me profusely for the tip and hung up.
Two hours later, she called me back sounding absolutely miserable.
“Susan,” I said, “What’s the matter?”
“Well,” she said, “You’re not going to believe it but they have their own
Web page with all the information I could ever want about the tribe.”
“That’s great,” I said. “What more could you ask for?”
“You don’t understand,” she said. “My article is about how isolated the
tribe is and how their only path to the outside world is a little dirt
trail up the side of the canyon! On their Web page, they even have a
scanned photo of the helicopter that brought the donated PC into the
canyon.”
Moral of the story: Sometimes ignorance is bliss — especially when
you’re trying to finish a thesis on time.
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks for old times sake.
He hires a prostitute, takes her up to a room and goes at it as best as he can for a guy his age.
After a couple of minutes he asks, “How am I doing?”
The prostitute replies, “Well sailor, you’re doing about three knots.”
“Three knots?” He asks. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
She says, “You’re knot hard, you’re knot in and you’re knot getting your money back.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Two Jews are stranded on a desert island. They build three synagogues — one for the orthodox Jew, one for the reform Jew, and one that neither one of them will ever set foot in!
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man so he hired a famous Chinese detective to watch and report activities while he was gone.
A few days later he received this report:
Most Hon’ble Sir,
You leave the house.
I watch house.
He come to house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree – look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree.
Not see.
No fee.
What is the difference between a Pencil and a Building that is 62 stories high?
There are too many to mention!
Una gringa, casada con un latino, llega a la corte de justicia y con su acento peculiar, le dice al juez:
“Vengo a poner un demanda contra Juan Latino”.
“�Y cu�l es la raz�n por la que usted lo quiere demandar?”, pregunta el juez.
“Se�or�a, este mal hombre traerme a este pa�s con enga�os”.
“D�game, �c�mo fue que la enga�� este se�or?”
“Usted saber que a nosotras las ‘American women’ gustarnos mucho el coffee and donnas, y el mal esposo ofrecerme que cuando vivir en este pa�s, �l darme mucho coffee and donnas, pero resulta que no darme nada”.
“Bueno”, ordena el juez, “traigan a declarar al demandado”.
La polic�a judicial va y prende al sujeto y lo lleva ante el juez:
“D�game se�or, �usted ha enga�ado a esta se�ora?”
“�No, se�or�a, nunca la he enga�ado!”, enfatiza Juan.
“Pero ella le acusa de haberle ofrecido ‘coffee and donnas’ para traerla a este pa�s; y desde hace un a�o que vive con usted, no le ha cumplido en nada.
“Se�or�a, ac� hay un malentendido: yo lo que le ofrec� fue que si se ven�a conmigo, a mi pa�s, todos los d�a le dar�a unas buenas C O G I D O N A S, y sabe, como todo un caballero le he cumplido a toda ley”.
A guy is sitting at a bar and orders a drink. At the same time the TV go’s on and there is Bill Clinton about to give a speech. The man yells,” There’s a horses ass” A guy gets up and punches him.. Then when Hilary Clinton came on he said the same, “There’s a horses ASS.. He then got punched again.. So he says to the bartender, “What is this Clinton country..” The bartender says no, “Horse country”
What is long, very hard, and full of seamen?
A submarine. What were you thinking of?
there are 2 old ladys sitting out side on there portch. it starts to rain one of the old ladys pulls out a condom and puts it over her ciggaret the other old lady says that why did u do that, she said so my ciggaret wont get wet , the other old ladys said thats a good idea.
the next day the other old lady goes to the groshery store and asked the cashier if she can get a condom the casheier said what size what color.
the old lady said that it doesnt mater what color just to beable to fit a CAMLE
Despu�s de una larga y tendida sesi�n amorosa, el hombre se da la vuelta, saca un cigarrillo de sus jeans y busca su encendedor. Como no lo encuentra, le pregunta a su compa�era si tiene uno a la mano.
“Debe haber algunos f�sforos en la mesita de noche”.
�l abre el caj�n y encuentra la cajita de f�sforos, al lado de la foto de un hombre. Naturalmente, el joven se preocupa.
“�Es tu esposo?” pregunta nervioso.
“No, tontito”, responde ella acurruc�ndose amorosamente.
“�Tu enamorado, entonces?”
“No, para nada”, dice ella, mordisque�ndole la oreja.
“Bueno, �quien es �l entonces?”, pregunta desconcertado el muchacho.
Serenamente, la chica responde:
“Soy yo antes de la operaci�n”.