The

There was once a Rino sleeping by a water fall. just then a huge lion come along and grabed his balls give them a little shake and said “oh i’ll ave a peice of that!”” and the lion starts shagging the Rino up the arse then the Rino wakes up and the lion runs for his life then whilst the Rino is stomping just behind the lion the lion sees a hunter reading a newspaper with those funny hunter hats on so the lion kills the hunter sticks on his hat gets the newspaper and sits down then the Rino says to the lion (who he thinks is a hunter)ave u seen a lion come through here? and the lion says do you mean the one who shagged the rino up the ass earlier? then the Rino said “”FUCK ME DON’T TELL ME IT’S IN THE PAPERS ALREADY !!!!. by Ricky .L. Lewis

What is that?

Little Bobby sat in the bathroom talking to his mother as she was taking a bath.

She got up to dry herself when Bobby noticed something.

With a puzzled look on his face he asked his mother, “Mommy what is that?”

She replied, “That is where Daddy hit me with an ax.”

Then Bobby replied, “No shit! Right in the pussy?”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Yisman

Your Ugly

Little Johnny said to his aunt Tess, “My God, you’re ugly, aren’t you!”

His mother overheard this and pulled Johnny into the kitchen.

“You naughty boy!” she screamed, “How can you say to your aunt that she’s ugly! You go right in and apologize to her! Tell her you’re sorry!”

Little Johnny entered the living room, walked over to his aunt and said, “Aunt Tess, I am sorry you’re so ugly.”

One day, a guy dies

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he was wallowing in
despair, he has his first meeting with the Devil.

Devil: Why so glum?

Guy: Why do you think? I’m in Hell.

Devil: Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a
drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well, You’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that’s all we do.
Drink, Drink, Drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Mt.
Dew. We drink until we throw up and then drink some more.
Guy: Wow, that sounds great.

Devil: You a smoker?
Guy: Yeah , you better believe it.
Devil: All right ! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars
from around the world and smooke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it’s
okay…. you’re already dead.
Guy: No Way !

Devil: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Yeah, I do.
Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack,
horseraces, you name it. we even opened a Pai Gai Poker table.
Guy: I never played that before.
Devil: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?
Guy: Yes, i love drugs! You don’t mean…
Devil: That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a big bowl
of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of your head. Do all the drugs you
want. If you overdose, It’s Okay… you’re already dead.
Guy: Alright ! I never realized that Hell was such a swinging place!

Devil: So…. are you gay?
Guy: Uh, no.
Devil: Ooooh (grimaces), you are gonna hate Fridays!

Nothing but the truth

Mr. Smith asked his wife for advice about his upcoming court case in which he
could possibly win $50,000 from the insurance company. “Honey, if I lie, I’ll
win the case. But then I would have broken an oath sworn on the Holy Bible.”

His wife says, “I don’t want to advise you to do the wrong thing, but . . .”

“But, what?”

“Let me put it this way,” his wife explained. “Treat the prosecuting attorney
like I treat you in bed.”

Puzzled, Mr. Smith asks, “How so?”

Mrs. Smith replies, “Just lie there ’til he goes away.”

Kids on proverbs

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.

Better To Be Safe Than. .. Punch A 5th Grader.

Strike While The… Bug Is Close.

It’s Always Darkest Before… Daylight Savings Time.

Never Under Estimate The Power Of.. Termites.

You Can Lead A Horse To Water But.. How?

Don’t Bite The Hand That… Looks Dirty.

No News Is… Impossible.

A Miss Is As Good As A… Mr.

You Cant Teach An Old Dog New… Math.

If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You’ll… Stink In The Morning.

Love All, Trust… Me!

The Pen Is Mightier Than The… Pigs.

An Idle Mind Is… The Best Way To Relax.

Where There’s Smoke, There is… Pollution.

Happy The Bride Who… Gets All The Presents!

A Penny Saved Is… Not Much.

Two’s Company, Three’s… The Musketeers.

Don’t Put Off Tomorrow What… You Put On To Go To Bed.

Laugh & The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry & You Have To Blow Your Nose.

None Are So Blind As… Helen Keller.

Children Should Be Seen And Not… Spanked Or Grounded.

If At First You Don’t Succeed… Get New Batteries.

You Get Out Of Something What You… See Pictured On The Box.

When The Blind Leadeth The Blind… Get Out Of The Way.

There Is No Fool Like… Aunt Eddie.

Un tipo llega a pedir

Un tipo llega a pedir trabajo en una granja y el due�o lo interroga:

“�Sabes arrear ganado?”

“�No!”

“�Sabes manejar tractor?”

“�No!”

Y as� le sigui� haciendo preguntas, a las cuales el individuo le contestaba siempre que no. El granjero, ya desesperado, le pregunta:

“En concreto, �qu� sabes hacer?”

Y presto el hombre le responde:

“�Ah, pues en concreto si me la pellizca, porque soy alba�il!”

Toddler Property Laws

1. If I like it, it’s mine.

2. If it’s in my hands, it’s mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it’s mine.

4. If I had it a week ago, it’s mine.

5. If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

6. If I’m doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.

7. If it looks just like mine, it’s mine.

8. If I think it’s mine, it’s mine.

9. If it it’s near me, it’s mine.

10.If it’s broccoli, it’s yours.

Una mujer preocupada acude al

Una mujer preocupada acude al m�dico, porque cuando se desnuda se le ponen los pezones r�gidos.

“Vamos a ver, desn�dese”, le solicita el doctor.

La mujer se desnuda y, al quitarse el sujetador, se le ponen los pechos duros y erectos apuntando hacia arriba.

“�No puede ser! H�galo otra vez”, le ordena el galeno.

La mujer repite la operaci�n con id�ntico resultado y, viendo la cara de asombro del facultativo, pregunta:

“�Es grave, doctor?”

Mostr�ndole el pene totalmente erecto le reponde:

“Grave no s�, pero contagioso…”

Strange but True

– In Cleveland, Ohio, it’s illegal to catch mice without a
hunting license.

– Dr. Seuss coined the word “nerd” in his 1950 book “If I Ran
the Zoo”

– It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for
a year’s supply of footballs.

– Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for
dating are already married.

– There are an average of 178 sesame seeds on a McDonald’s Big
Mac bun.

– The world’s termites outweigh the world’s humans 10 to 1.

– Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars.

– The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola,
and Budweiser, in that order.

– When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of
25 miles per year.

– It’s possible to lead a cow upstairs…but not downstairs.

– The Bible has been translated into Klingon.

– Humans are the only primates that don’t have pigment in the
palms of their hands.

– Ten percent of the Russian government’s income comes from the
sale of vodka.

– Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived
immigrants.

– On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every
year.

– In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the
world’s nuclear weapons combined.

– Reno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles, California.

– Average lifespan of a major league baseball: 5 pitches.

– Average age of top GM executives in 1994: 49.8 years. Average
age of the Rolling Stones: 50.6.

– Elephants can’t jump. Every other mammal can.

– The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

– Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola, apple,
and chocolate.

– According to one study, 24% of lawns have some sort of lawn
ornament in their yard.

– Internationally, Baywatch is the most popular TV show in
history.

Engine Out

There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer. A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though. One of the blondes says “If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day”