top 10 signs you are a chem engineer:

10.You attempt to explain entropy to strangers at the table
during a casual dinner conversation

9. You explain surface tension to your child when he asks why
you add oil while boiling spagetti

8. You explain your position as being a ‘oasis of knowledge in a
vast desert of ignorance’

7. When people around you yawn, you think it’s because they
didn’t get enough sleep

6. You have a favorite pump manufacturer

5. Your family has no idea what you do at work

4. you consider cuddling an unproductive application of heat
exchange

3. If you see a design, sufficient for its pupose, but still
must change it and profess that the person who made it was a
complete idiot

2. You can have no pulse, but still be alive

1. You can perform triple integration and do so to solve even
the most basic problems

Nice Shoes

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn’t contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished they fell asleep and didn’t wake up till 8 o’clock. They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn.

Bewildered, she does as he asks (thinking he’s pretty weird). The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door. Upset, she asks where he’s been.

The man replies “I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love then fell asleep. That’s why I’m late.”

The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, “I see those grass stains on your shoes. You’ve been playing golf again, haven’t you!?”

Nothing but the truth

Mr. Smith asked his wife for advice about his upcoming court case in which he
could possibly win $50,000 from the insurance company. “Honey, if I lie, I’ll
win the case. But then I would have broken an oath sworn on the Holy Bible.”

His wife says, “I don’t want to advise you to do the wrong thing, but . . .”

“But, what?”

“Let me put it this way,” his wife explained. “Treat the prosecuting attorney
like I treat you in bed.”

Puzzled, Mr. Smith asks, “How so?”

Mrs. Smith replies, “Just lie there ’til he goes away.”

What is that?

Little Bobby sat in the bathroom talking to his mother as she was taking a bath.

She got up to dry herself when Bobby noticed something.

With a puzzled look on his face he asked his mother, “Mommy what is that?”

She replied, “That is where Daddy hit me with an ax.”

Then Bobby replied, “No shit! Right in the pussy?”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Yisman

The Marv Albert Christmas Song

(sung to the tune of “Walking in a Winter Wonderland” –go ahead, SING):

Lacy things, the wife is missin’,

Didn’t ask her permission,

I’m wearin’ her clothes,

Her silk panty hose,

Walkin’ round in women’s underwear.

In the store, there’s a teddy,

Little straps, like spaghetti,

It holds me so tight,

Like handcuffs at night,

Walkin’ round in women’s underwear.

In the office there’s a guy named Marvin,

He pretends that I am Murphy Brown,

He’ll say “Are you Ready”, I’ll say “Whoa, Man!”

Let’s wait until our wives are out of town.

Later on, if you wanna,

We can dress like Madonna,

Put on some eyeshade,

And join the parade,

Walkin’ round in women’s underwear.

Kids on proverbs

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.

Better To Be Safe Than. .. Punch A 5th Grader.

Strike While The… Bug Is Close.

It’s Always Darkest Before… Daylight Savings Time.

Never Under Estimate The Power Of.. Termites.

You Can Lead A Horse To Water But.. How?

Don’t Bite The Hand That… Looks Dirty.

No News Is… Impossible.

A Miss Is As Good As A… Mr.

You Cant Teach An Old Dog New… Math.

If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You’ll… Stink In The Morning.

Love All, Trust… Me!

The Pen Is Mightier Than The… Pigs.

An Idle Mind Is… The Best Way To Relax.

Where There’s Smoke, There is… Pollution.

Happy The Bride Who… Gets All The Presents!

A Penny Saved Is… Not Much.

Two’s Company, Three’s… The Musketeers.

Don’t Put Off Tomorrow What… You Put On To Go To Bed.

Laugh & The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry & You Have To Blow Your Nose.

None Are So Blind As… Helen Keller.

Children Should Be Seen And Not… Spanked Or Grounded.

If At First You Don’t Succeed… Get New Batteries.

You Get Out Of Something What You… See Pictured On The Box.

When The Blind Leadeth The Blind… Get Out Of The Way.

There Is No Fool Like… Aunt Eddie.

The

There was once a Rino sleeping by a water fall. just then a huge lion come along and grabed his balls give them a little shake and said “oh i’ll ave a peice of that!”” and the lion starts shagging the Rino up the arse then the Rino wakes up and the lion runs for his life then whilst the Rino is stomping just behind the lion the lion sees a hunter reading a newspaper with those funny hunter hats on so the lion kills the hunter sticks on his hat gets the newspaper and sits down then the Rino says to the lion (who he thinks is a hunter)ave u seen a lion come through here? and the lion says do you mean the one who shagged the rino up the ass earlier? then the Rino said “”FUCK ME DON’T TELL ME IT’S IN THE PAPERS ALREADY !!!!. by Ricky .L. Lewis

Strange but True

– In Cleveland, Ohio, it’s illegal to catch mice without a
hunting license.

– Dr. Seuss coined the word “nerd” in his 1950 book “If I Ran
the Zoo”

– It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for
a year’s supply of footballs.

– Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for
dating are already married.

– There are an average of 178 sesame seeds on a McDonald’s Big
Mac bun.

– The world’s termites outweigh the world’s humans 10 to 1.

– Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars.

– The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola,
and Budweiser, in that order.

– When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of
25 miles per year.

– It’s possible to lead a cow upstairs…but not downstairs.

– The Bible has been translated into Klingon.

– Humans are the only primates that don’t have pigment in the
palms of their hands.

– Ten percent of the Russian government’s income comes from the
sale of vodka.

– Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived
immigrants.

– On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every
year.

– In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the
world’s nuclear weapons combined.

– Reno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles, California.

– Average lifespan of a major league baseball: 5 pitches.

– Average age of top GM executives in 1994: 49.8 years. Average
age of the Rolling Stones: 50.6.

– Elephants can’t jump. Every other mammal can.

– The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

– Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola, apple,
and chocolate.

– According to one study, 24% of lawns have some sort of lawn
ornament in their yard.

– Internationally, Baywatch is the most popular TV show in
history.