Mayonnaise

Most people don’t know that, back in 1912, Hellman’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England.

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.

But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

WHAT?

You expected something educational from me….

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

The Top 15 Signs the Groom Is Dead

15> “I, Anna Nicole Smith, promise to love, honor and cherish….”

14> When the priest asks if anyone objects to the marriage, the bride’s hand is the first one up.

13> The best man’s shroud and scythe don’t seem to match the maid of honor’s taffeta.

12> Cold feet like you wouldn’t believe!

11> His tux jacket zips up the back and the pants are missing altogether.

10> I’d say his sleeping with the maid of honor just about guaranteed it.

9> The cake topper is a tiny little bride and a tiny little headstone.

8> Your bachelor party: Coronas until you passed out in your underpants.
His bachelor party: coroners until he was passed off to the undertaker.

7> A botched ring exchange sends everyone to the floor to look for his finger.

6> He’s either dead or he’s been taking dancing lessons from Al Gore.

5> He started to lose that “new husband smell” right after the vows.

4> The bride is using his nail beds as her “something blue.”

3> His groomsmen keep stubbing out their cigars on him.

2> He doesn’t even wince as his testicles are removed at the altar.

1> His vow? “… to love, honor and decay….”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

Dead Husband

A woman,being very upset that her husband had just died,paid a visit to the funeral home to view the body before the funeral. Upon seeing the husband laid out in the casket in a brown suit,she remembered he always hated the color brown.She told the undertaker of this and somewhat apologized for being such a pain but would they take care of it and put on the blue suit. The undertaker agreed and she left the building. Remembering she forgot her sunglasses,she returned to the building,and upon entering was just in time to hear the undertaker yell out:
“Hey Joe, switch the heads in caskets 3 and 5 !”

Nice Shoes

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn’t contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished they fell asleep and didn’t wake up till 8 o’clock. They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn.

Bewildered, she does as he asks (thinking he’s pretty weird). The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door. Upset, she asks where he’s been.

The man replies “I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love then fell asleep. That’s why I’m late.”

The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, “I see those grass stains on your shoes. You’ve been playing golf again, haven’t you!?”

Toddler Property Laws

1. If I like it, it’s mine.

2. If it’s in my hands, it’s mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it’s mine.

4. If I had it a week ago, it’s mine.

5. If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

6. If I’m doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.

7. If it looks just like mine, it’s mine.

8. If I think it’s mine, it’s mine.

9. If it it’s near me, it’s mine.

10.If it’s broccoli, it’s yours.

Engine Out

There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer. A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though. One of the blondes says “If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day”

Your Ugly

Little Johnny said to his aunt Tess, “My God, you’re ugly, aren’t you!”

His mother overheard this and pulled Johnny into the kitchen.

“You naughty boy!” she screamed, “How can you say to your aunt that she’s ugly! You go right in and apologize to her! Tell her you’re sorry!”

Little Johnny entered the living room, walked over to his aunt and said, “Aunt Tess, I am sorry you’re so ugly.”

Unusual Case

Unusual Case
by William A. Morton, Jr, MD

From “Medical Aspects Of Human Sexuality” July, 1991 p. 15

Scrotum Self-Repair

One morning, I was called to the emergency room by the head ER nurse. She directed me to a patient who had refused to describe his problem other than to say that he “needed a doctor who took care of men’s troubles.” The patient, about 40, was pale, febrile, and obviously uncomfortable, and had little to say as he gingerly opened his trousers to expose a bit of angry red skin and black-and-blue scrotal skin.

After I asked the nurse to leave us, the patient permitted me to remove his trousers, shorts, and two or three yards of foul-smelling stained gauze wrapped about his scrotum, which was swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit and extremely tender. A jagged zig-zag laceration, oozing pus and blood, extended down the left scrotum.

Amid the matted hair, edematous skin, and various exudates, I saw some
half-buried dark linear objects and asked the patient what they were. Several days earlier, he replied, he had injured himself in the machine shop where he worked, and had closed the laceration with a heavy-duty stapling gun. The dark objects were one-inch staples of the type used in putting up wallboard.

We X-rayed the patient’s scrotum to locate the staples; admitted him to the hospital; and gave him tetanus antitoxin, broad-spectrum antibacterial therapy, and hexachlorophene sitz baths prior to surgery the next morning. The procedure consisted of exploration and debridement of the left side of the scrotal pouch. Eight rusty staples were retrieved, and the skin edges were trimmed and freshened. The left testis had been avulsed and was missing. The stump of the spermatic cord was recovered at the inguinal canal, debrided, and the vessels ligated properly, though not much of a hematoma was present. Through-and-through Penrose drains were sutured loosely in site, and the skin was loosely closed.

Convalescence was uneventful, and before his release from the hospital less than a week later, the patient confided the rest of his story to me. An unmarried loner, he usually didn’t leave the machine shop during lunchtime with his co-workers. Finding himself alone, he had begun the regular practice of masturbating by holding his penis against the canvas drive belt of a large floor-based piece of running machinery. One day, as he approached orgasm, he lost his concentration and leaned too close to the belt. When his scrotum suddenly became caught between the pulley-wheel and the drive-belt, he was thrown into the air and landed a few feet away. Unaware that he had lost his left testis, and perhaps too stunned to feel much pain, he stapled the wound closed and resumed work. I can only assume he abandoned this method of self gratification.

Note: William A. Morton is a retired urologist residing in West Chester, Pennsylvania.

Un tipo llega a pedir

Un tipo llega a pedir trabajo en una granja y el due�o lo interroga:

“�Sabes arrear ganado?”

“�No!”

“�Sabes manejar tractor?”

“�No!”

Y as� le sigui� haciendo preguntas, a las cuales el individuo le contestaba siempre que no. El granjero, ya desesperado, le pregunta:

“En concreto, �qu� sabes hacer?”

Y presto el hombre le responde:

“�Ah, pues en concreto si me la pellizca, porque soy alba�il!”