Yo mama so poor she saw the garbage truck goin down the rode and ran out with her grocery list
Author: admin
[OPERATOR : As of next tuesday PASCAL will…
[OPERATOR : As of next tuesday PASCAL will be replaced by COBOL.
Update your files accordingly.]
Update your files accordingly.]
In the nunnary
in the nunary there are 300 sisters. one day in the nunnary the mother was angry and called them all into the hall. she said
“You all know that being a nun means no sex dont you?” 299 nuns chorused “YES” one giggled.
The mother said “in the dormitories a condom was found.” 299 nuns gasped, one giggled.
“also the condom was split” said the mother. 299 nuns giggled one gasped.
Q: How many bailiffs
Q: How many bailiffs does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: Ten. One to change it, one to hit you in the kidneys, and 8 to stand around such that none of this gets caught on camera.
Employee Incentives?
A small company was on the edge of bankruptcy. The owner summoned his two-man sales force into his office.
“Things aren’t going too well, guys,” he announced grimly. “So to perk up sales I’m announcing a contest. The guy with the most sales gets a blow job.”
“What does the loser get?” asked one of the salesmen.
The owner looked at both men and said, “The loser gets to give it.”
Give me the good news first
The doctor took his patient into a room and said, “I have some good news and
some bad news.” The patient said, “Give me the good news first.” – “They’re
going to name a disease after you.”
War on Saddam
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who
to invade next when his telephone rang.
“Hallo! Mr. Hussein,” a heavily-accented voice said.
“This is Yitzhak down in Tel Aviv, Israel. I am ringing to
inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!”
“Well, Yitzhak,” Saddam replied, “This is important
news! Tell me, how big is your army?”
“At this moment in time,” said Yitzhak after a
moment’s calculation, “there is me, my cousin Saul, my next-door
neighbor Shlomo, and the entire pinochle team from the deli —
that makes eight!”
Saddam sighed. “I must tell you, Yitzhak, that I have
1million men in my army waiting to move on my command.”
“Oy vey!”, said Yitzhak, “I’ll have to ring you back!”
Sure enough, the next day Yitzhak rang back. “Right,
Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire
some equipment!”
“And what equipment would that be, Yitzhak?” Saddam asked.
“Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and
Goldberg’s tractor from the kibbutz.”
Once more Saddam sighed. “I must tell you, Yitzhak,
that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel
carriers, and my army has increased to one and a half million
since we last spoke.”
“Really?!” said Yitzhak, “I’ll have to ring you back!”
Sure enough, Yitzhak rang again the next day. “Right, Mr.
Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves
airborne! We’ve modified Moshe’s ultralight with a couple of
rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as
well!”
Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. “I must
tell you Yitzhak that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand
MIG-19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by
laser-uided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last
spoke, my army has increased to two million.”
“Oy gevalt!”, said Yitzhak, “I’ll have to ring you back.”
Sure enough, Yitzhak called again the next day.
“Right, Mr Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to
call off the war.”
“I’m sorry to hear that” said Saddam. “Why the sudden change of
heart?”
“Well,” said Yitzhak, “We’ve all had a chat, and there’s no way
we can feed two million prisoners.
Pulling His Cheney
George W. Bush ran into Colin Powell`s office exclaiming, “Dick Cheney hanged himselfin his bathroom!” Colin Powell says “Oh, No! Did you cut him down?” “Cut him down?” asks George W.”How could I cut him down? He wasn`t dead yet!”
University Oklahoma
One day my housework challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”
“It depends,” I replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”
He yelled back, “University of Oklahoma.”
And they say blondes are dumb…
Blondie
your dad is blonde and so your mum so how come your brown your mum has fucked tooooooo many people brov!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ugly Faces
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, “Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.”
Bobby looked up and replied, “Well, Ms Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”
Course in Logic
A man in his mid thrities decides that he wants to go back to school, but just to take some courses that he finds interesting. Unfortunately, when he goes to register, he finds that all the classes he had intended on taking were already too full.
Disapointed, the man figured, “Ah screw it.”
The next day, the man happened to run into one of the professors who teaches at the university. The man explained his situation to the professor, to which the professor replied, “Hey, if nothing else, why not sign up for my course in Logic”
Intrigued, the man asked the professor, “What exactly do you teach in your class?”
“Well,” the professor answered, “I’ll give you an example of what i mean. Do you own a weed whacker?”
“Yes,” the man replied. “If you own a weed whacker, then you probably have a lawn,” the professor said
“Yes,” the man replied.
“And if you have a lawn, then you probably own a home, right?” the professor asked.
“Yes,” the man replied “And if you own a home, then you probably are married with a family, correct?” the professor asked.
“Why yes,” the man replied
“And if you are married with a family, then you’re in all probability heterosexual, right?” the professor asked
“Yes!” the man replied
The following day, the man decided to try out some of this “logic” at the cash clerk at the store because he was so impressed with it himself. The man askes the cash clerk, “Do you own a weed whacker?”
“No” the cash clerk replies
“Ah-hah!!”, the man blurts out, “You must be gay!!”