You grow your sideburns longer and fuller because it looks so good on your
sister
Author: admin
A Fire Truck
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, “All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!”
As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company’s secret files.
From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. To everyone’s amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.
After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers.
After thanking each of the old men individually the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, “The first thing we’re going to do is fix the damn brakes on that truck!”
Two Black Eyes
One day Joe walks into the breakroom at his work, and all of his
coworkersask why he has two black eyes.
He says, “I was at church singing in the choir and I looked over
at Mrs. Yunser and she had her skirt tucked into ther panteis.
So I reached over and untucked it.
Well Mr. yunser who was standing right next to me did not like
this to well so he punched me.
Joes friends say that explanes the one black eye but how did you
get the other.
Well when I saw how mad Mr. Yunser got I simple reached back
over and tucked it back in.
He’ Boss
If you constantly hear a married man brag about how he runs everything around the house, you can be sure that he is referring to the lawn mower, the car, the errands, and the baby carriage.
Three donkeys
Sam:One day, there was a donkey called pardon. He married
another donkey called pardonpardon, and had a child donkey. What
did they name it?
Tim:ummm, Pardon?
Sam: Okay, well, One day, there was a donkey called pardon. He
married another donkey called pardonpardon, and had a child
donkey. What did they name it?
Tim: Pardon?
Sam: Okay, I’ll say it again. One day, there was a donkey called
pardon. He married another donkey called pardonpardon, and had a
child donkey. What did they name it?
Tim: I said it, Pardon!
Sam:Aaagh, ok, One day, there was a donkey called pardon. He
married another donkey called pardonpardon, and had a child
donkey. What did they name it?
Tim: I said it, Pardon!!!
Sam: OK, One day, there was a donkey called pardon. He married
another donkey………….
A local United Way office realized that it…
A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation
from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of
contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. “Our research shows
that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to
charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your
research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has
medical bills that are several times her annual income?”
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um…no.”
“–or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a
wheelchair?” The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology
but was interrupted, “–or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic
accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless
with three children?!”
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no
idea…”
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: “–so if I don’t give any
money to them, why should I give any to you?”
I walked into a hair salon with my husband…
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three
kids in tow and asked loudly, “How much do you charge
for a shampoo and a blow job?” I turned around and
walked back out and never went back. My husband didn’t
say a word… he knew better.
New use for sheep
Did you hear they found a new use for sheep in Alabama?
Wool.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Glaci
At the Last Minute
A young boy and his doting grandmother were walking along the sea shore when a
huge wave appeared out of nowhere, sweeping the child out to sea. The horrified
woman fell to her knees, raised her eyes to the heavens and begged the Lord to
return her beloved grandson. And, lo, another wave reared up and deposited the
stunned child on the sand before her.
The grandmother looked the boy over carefully. He was fine. But still she
stared up angrily toward the heavens. “When we came,” she snapped indignantly,
“he had a hat!”
Earth and Space
I live on earth,
He lives in space
I booted his ass there when
he shoved his dick in
my face
Knock KnockWho’s there?Kevin!Kevin who?Kevin we
Knock KnockWho’s there?Kevin!Kevin who?Kevin we go out and play?!
A Gentlemen’s Pleasure
A man goes into a bar one evening and is surprised to see a ferret with no teeth, on the bar. He asks the barman what the ferret is for.”That, sir,” says the barman,”is a gentleman’s pleasure.”So saying he puts the ferret down the front of the man’s trousers. The ferret scurries around for a minute and then gives the man the best blow job he’s ever had. Afterward, he asks the bartender if he can buy the ferret for $500.”No can do,” he says,” it cost me a lot, what with the dental work and everything.”The man then offers $1000 and the bartender accepts. That night the man takes the ferret home and goes into the kitchen where his battle-axe wife is eating chocolates. He puts the ferret on the table and says:” Look what I bought for $1000. Its a gentleman’s pleasure.””What do you expect me to do with it?”asks the witch.”Teach it to cook and then fuck off!” says the man.