A man goes into a bar one evening and is surprised to see a ferret with no teeth, on the bar. He asks the barman what the ferret is for.”That, sir,” says the barman,”is a gentleman’s pleasure.”So saying he puts the ferret down the front of the man’s trousers. The ferret scurries around for a minute and then gives the man the best blow job he’s ever had. Afterward, he asks the bartender if he can buy the ferret for $500.”No can do,” he says,” it cost me a lot, what with the dental work and everything.”The man then offers $1000 and the bartender accepts. That night the man takes the ferret home and goes into the kitchen where his battle-axe wife is eating chocolates. He puts the ferret on the table and says:” Look what I bought for $1000. Its a gentleman’s pleasure.””What do you expect me to do with it?”asks the witch.”Teach it to cook and then fuck off!” says the man.
Author: admin
Pregnant nun
How do you make a nun pregnant?
Dress her up like an altar boy
Bill told Monica…
“I said lick the erection not wreck the election!”
“I said lie in a different position, not lie on your deposition!”
Quotes That You May Have Missed…
The reason it’s always so difficult for this President to tell the truth,
the whole truth, and nothing but the truth is because it’s usually three
different stories.
–Sam Donaldson
If the President could convince every woman in America that the Bible says
oral sex is not adultery, he’d even have my vote.
–Newt Gingrich
What’s wrong with extending my probe? The President did the same thing.
–Kenneth Starr
The special prosecutor is asking me to give oral testimony to the entire
Grand Jury.
–Monica Lewinsky
Shouldn’t the President be held to the same standards as a TV sportscaster?
–Marv Albert
The President should promise to spend the rest of his life trying to find
the real person who had oral sex with the intern.
–OJ Simpson
If I had to spend all day trying to find jobs for every bimbo who swore
she didn’t have sex with the president, I’d never get any of my own work
done.
–Vernon Jordan
The president should take up skiing.
–Al Gore
If you’re looking for me this week, I’ll be in the bunker.
–Saddam Hussein
Practicing safe sex in the Clinton White House means making sure the door
is locked.
–George Stephanopoulos
In last week’s Cabinet meeting, the president asked us to go out and win
one for the zipper.
–Madeliene “Aunt Bea” Albright
He’ Boss
If you constantly hear a married man brag about how he runs everything around the house, you can be sure that he is referring to the lawn mower, the car, the errands, and the baby carriage.
What is the difference between a piece of…
What is the difference between a piece of toast and a french man?
You can make soilders out of toast
A Fire Truck
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, “All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!”
As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company’s secret files.
From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. To everyone’s amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.
After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers.
After thanking each of the old men individually the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, “The first thing we’re going to do is fix the damn brakes on that truck!”
A friend
A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Colorado.One of the women in
the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He
told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of
the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was
wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.
Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she
was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one
would even notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate
camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do
her thing. If you’ve ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is
a right way and wrong way to set up your skis so you don’t move. Yup, you got
it. She had them positioned the wrong way.
Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control,
racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and into another slope.
Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her
knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.
She continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista
for the other skiers. The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back
under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was
that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her
husband arrived, put an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the
mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.
In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken
leg was put in the bed next to hers. “So. How did you break your leg?” she
asked, making small talk.
“It was the darndest thing you ever saw,” he said. “I was riding up this ski
lift, and suddenly I couldn’t believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing
backward out-of-control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of
her clothes, and pants down around her knees. I leaned over to get a better look
and I guess I didn’t realize how far I’d moved. I fell out of the lift … “
” … So, how did you break your arm?”
So, a guy is stranded on an island with only…
So, a guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company.
There’s plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he’s
doing alright–but after a few months he gets “lonely”, if you know what
I mean, nudge nudge wink wink.
The pig starts to look more and more attractive–soft, pink flesh, round
buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the
pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very
frustrating.
One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it
turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a
beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into
his hut and slowly nurses her back to health. Finally she is well enough
to walk and she says to him “Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I
don’t know how I can ever repay you. I’ll do anything for you, anything,
just name it.”
The guy thinks for a minute and says “Would you mind taking my dog for a
walk?”.
Earth and Space
I live on earth,
He lives in space
I booted his ass there when
he shoved his dick in
my face
Worlds “shortest” books!
25. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS – by O.J. Simpson
24. THE ENGINEER’S GUIDE TO FASHION
23. TO ALL THE MEN I’VE LOVED BEFORE – by Ellen DeGeneres
22. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT
21. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA
20. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY – by Dennis Rodman
19. THE WILD YEARS – by Al Gore
18. AMELIA EARHART’S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
17. AMERICA’S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
16. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS
15. DETROIT – A TRAVEL GUIDE
14. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB
13. DR. KEVORKIAN’S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
12. EASY UNIX
11. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE AND AGRICULTURE
10. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
9. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
8. FRENCH HOSPITALITY
7. GEORGE FOREMAN’S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES
6. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER – by Art Garfunkel
5. MIKE TYSON’S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES – by the EPA
3. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS
2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
And the Number one World’s Shortest book……
1. HOW TO OVERCOME TEMPTATION – by Bill Clinton
Two Black Eyes
One day Joe walks into the breakroom at his work, and all of his
coworkersask why he has two black eyes.
He says, “I was at church singing in the choir and I looked over
at Mrs. Yunser and she had her skirt tucked into ther panteis.
So I reached over and untucked it.
Well Mr. yunser who was standing right next to me did not like
this to well so he punched me.
Joes friends say that explanes the one black eye but how did you
get the other.
Well when I saw how mad Mr. Yunser got I simple reached back
over and tucked it back in.